GOTHAM POLICE CHIEF CHAUNCY O’HARA NAMED GRAND MARSHAL, WILL LEAD ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE
PITTSBURGH - Gotham City Police Chief Chauncy O’Hara met with Mayor Luke Ravenstahl at City Hall today in preparation for Pittsburgh’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. O’Hara, who retired from the Gotham City Police force in 1978 after capturing “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz, informed the Mayor that he was glad to be in a town “that didn’t have to worry about arch-criminals.” O’Hara said he was surprised by the appearance of our city. “I always heard it was smoky, and black and dirty. But it’s actually quite pretty.” When told he was now, officially, the one millionth person to express those sentiments, he appeared surprised. “Saints preserve us!” he exclaimed.
GINGRICH TAKES CURE
LYNCHBURG, Va. - In an interview with Focus On The Family leader James Dobson, Newt Gingrich revealed that he has recently undergone three weeks of intensive conservative Christian counseling and can state unequivocally that he is "no longer a total a**hole." In the same interview, Gingrich admitted having an extramarital affair at the same time he pursued President Clinton's impeachment in the Monica Lewinsky scandal.Gingrich was rewarded for this second admission by conservative Christian leader, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who extended an invitation for Gingrich to deliver the commencement address at Falwell's Liberty University.
Political observers believe Gingrich may be making these admissions now to avoid having them surfacing later in his possible Presidential campaign. Experts feel the string of extramarital affairs could hurt Gingrich, but the other issue is not as sensitive. "When was the last time Americans elected someone who wasn't an a**hole?" said Professor Hubert Sminklin from the Harding School of Government. At the commencement, Gingrich will receive an honorary Doctorate of Hypocrisy, from the prestigious Falwell School of Hypocrisy at Liberty University.
Political observers believe Gingrich may be making these admissions now to avoid having them surfacing later in his possible Presidential campaign. Experts feel the string of extramarital affairs could hurt Gingrich, but the other issue is not as sensitive. "When was the last time Americans elected someone who wasn't an a**hole?" said Professor Hubert Sminklin from the Harding School of Government. At the commencement, Gingrich will receive an honorary Doctorate of Hypocrisy, from the prestigious Falwell School of Hypocrisy at Liberty University.
MAYOR MAKES IT ILLEGAL TO GREET ANYONE BY GIVING THEM A FAKE IRISH NAME
PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl issued an executive order making it illegal to greet anyone “by placing an 'O' in front of their last name in an attempt to create a faux Celtic connection between the person being greeted and the Irish race.” Police throughout the city will be enforcing the Mayor’s order. Ravenstahl explained that violators will be fined seventy-five dollars and receive a punch in the mouth, "in honor of the day."
AUSTRALIAN AUTHORITIES ARREST STALLONE
SYDNEY, Australia - Sylvester Stallone was taken into custody for several hours as he arrived in Sydney Australia. He faces stiff fines for trying to bring copies of the last installment of the Rocky series into the country. "We're just protecting our country," said one customs officer, waving a boxed set of the Rocky films. "Terror comes in many forms."
Customs agents also found vials of the muscle-building hormone HGH, which is a restricted substance in Australia. The tabloid media had speculated that Stallone, shown here with his entourage at the Sydney Airport, was using Human Growth Hormone based on his bizarre, bloated appearance in the last installment of the Rocky series.
Lawyers for the 60-year-old star of the Rocky and Rambo movie franchises, represented Stallone in a Sydney court on Tuesday where he faces multiple counts of "assault with horrific film making" and "involuntary destruction of brain cells."
THANKS TO THE ASTUTE ONLINE SPORTS WRITERS AT THE POST-GAZETTE
We pause for a quasi-serious moment to thank the writers at the Post-Gazette, and to tip our hats to their online sports gurus, editor Dan Gigler and hockey savant Seth Rorabaugh. In the March 15 Empty Netters, they write: "While we were pretty proud of our coverage of the arena deal here at the PG, we'd be remiss not to give credit to our chief competitor, The Carbolic Smoke Ball. They have some great stories here, here, here and here." We may not act like it, but we very much appreciate it!
BOWIE KUHN IS DEAD
CHARLES O. FINLEY LOBBIES OTHER DECEASED MLB OWNERS TO BAN HIM FROM HEAVEN; THE LATE JUDGE KENESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS TO DECIDE
HIS WORK ON EARTH DONE, MARIO ASCENDS INTO HEAVEN
PITTSBURGH - Mario Lemieux, Savior of hockey in Pittsburgh , departed for heaven late yesterday, hours after He put the final touches on a deal for a brand new arena that will keep the Penguins in Pittsburgh for at least thirty years.
Details of His Ascension were provided by the Apostle known as John, the Beloved. John, whose last name is Steigerwald, has been a leading evangelist for hockey in Pittsburgh for nearly a quarter of a century. He has spent most of that time preaching far and wide, to believers and non-believers alike, about the good works of Mario.
“Did you hear the Good News?” he asked earlier this morning. “Thanks to the no-good politicians and do-nothing civic leaders, hockey was dead, but now it is risen! Thanks be to Mario!”
The story of Mario’s Ascension will be recounted in the Gospel according to John, which will be published in next month’s edition of Hockey Digest. As every hockey fan knows, Hockey Digest is the Hockey Bible. Here is an excerpt:
"They therefore who had come together to celebrate the new arena deal began to ask him, 'Lord, wilt thou at this time bring us the Stanley Cup?' But He said to them, 'It is not for you to know the time or dates which the Father has fixed by his own authority. Anything can happen in the playoffs.' And when He had said this, He was lifted up before their eyes, and a cloud took him out of their sight. And while they were gazing up to heaven, behold, two men in white garments stood by them and said to them, 'Men of Pittsburgh, why do you stand looking up to Heaven? This Mario who has been taken up from you shall come back in the same way as you have seen him going into Heaven.'"
Speculation is rampant among hockey scholars who have studied this text that John believes Mario is planning on coming out of retirement. He has promised to deal with this subject in his forthcoming Book of Revelations.
FARRAKHAN BUILDS RETIREMENT HOME IN BRANSON, MISSOURI
NATION OF ISLAM LEADER SAYS PROXIMITY TO OSMOND, WELK FAMILY WAS “KEY FACTOR” IN SELECTING LOCATION
BUSH HOLDS LATIN AMERICAN SUMMIT MEETING WITH CHARO
PRESIDENT PROMISES OPEN DOOR POLICY FOR ALL FLAMENCO GUITARISTS WITH LARGE BREASTS, OFFERS PARDON FOR APPEARANCES ON LOVE BOAT, HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
MEDICAL EXAMINER DR. PERPER TAKING TOO LONG WITH ANNA NICOLE SMITH CASE, REPLACED BY DR. PEPPER
BROWARD COUNTY ALSO TURNED OFF BY FORMER MEDICAL EXAMINER'S AD CAMPAIGN: "I'M A PERPER, HE'S A PERPER, SHE'S A PERPER, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE A PERPER, TOO?"
STUDY: OBESITY IN EITHER SEX MAY DECREASE ABILITY TO CONCEIVE
ABSENCE OF WOMB ANOTHER OBSTACLE FOR MEN
RENDELL CAPITULATES, WILL GIVE PENGUINS NEW ARENA
GOVERNOR CITES RESPONSE TO “HONK IF YOU LOVE THE PENGUINS RALLY” AT CORNER OF GRANT AND FORBES AS KEY FACTOR IN DECISION
PITTSBURGH - Governor Ed Rendell announced yesterday evening that he funding has been secured for a new hockey arena in Pittsburgh. The announcement comes only hours after the conclusion of a rally at the corner of Grant Street and Forbes Avenue held by two shaggy-haired individuals holding hand-made signs asking motorists to “honk if you love the Penguins.”
Apparently, the din raised by horn-blowing hockey fans created such consternation in the offices of County Executive Dan Onorato and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that a conference call was arranged with the Governor to debrief him on the situation.
“When I heard about the non-stop horn blowing right outside the windows of downtown workers, I knew I could wait no longer,” said the Governor. “I tip my hat to the Penguins, and their fans. This was a ruthless tactic I didn’t anticipate, and they used it to their advantage. I can only add: touché.”
According to several witnesses, numerous motorists responded to the request by repeatedly honking their horn in three to five second intervals. David Corbett, of Millvale, said he heard one man blast his horn for at least thirty seconds without interruption. However, Mr. Corbett allowed for the possibility that, in addition to proclaiming his love for the Penguins, the man at the wheel may have had an ulterior motive. “There was an elderly woman using a walker attempting to cross the street,” said Corbett. “I think he was kind of upset that she was holding him up.” Mr. Corbett added that the honking motorist repeatedly stuck his middle finger out of the car window in an effort to express dissatisfaction. “He might have been upset at the pace of the old lady, but then again, he might have been upset at the pace of negotiations between the Penguins and local politicians.”
No one who participated in the decisive rally said they could recall a sign asking motorists to “give somebody the finger if you love the Penguins.”
MAYAN PRIESTS PURIFY SITE AFTER BUSH VISIT WITH CHANTS, INCENSE
AFTER CHENEY'S VISIT, PRIESTS SAY ONLY HUMAN SACRIFICES WILL WORK
GUATEMALA CITY - Mayan priests purifed a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visited yesterday so that their ancestors may rest in peace, an official with close ties to the priests said.
"That a person like [Bush] walked on our sacred lands is an offense against the Mayan people," said Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan organization. Tiney said the "cleansing rites entailed chanting and burning incense, herbs and candles."
Tiney added that next month's visit by Vice President Cheney poses even greater challenges. "No amount of chanting or incense can purify the land after that one," he said. "The only hope is to gather up dozens of our most beautiful virgins and offer them as human sacrifices." Even then, Tiney said, "there's no guarantee that will work."
GUATEMALA CITY - Mayan priests purifed a sacred archaeological site to eliminate "bad spirits" after President Bush visited yesterday so that their ancestors may rest in peace, an official with close ties to the priests said."That a person like [Bush] walked on our sacred lands is an offense against the Mayan people," said Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan organization. Tiney said the "cleansing rites entailed chanting and burning incense, herbs and candles."
Tiney added that next month's visit by Vice President Cheney poses even greater challenges. "No amount of chanting or incense can purify the land after that one," he said. "The only hope is to gather up dozens of our most beautiful virgins and offer them as human sacrifices." Even then, Tiney said, "there's no guarantee that will work."
ZURICH MINT MARKS THIRTY YEARS OF SELLING CRAP TO AMERICA
Next offering: Commemorative “Sucker Born Every Minute” plate with 14-kt. gold accents
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND --- The Zurich Mint is celebrating three decades in the business of selling crap by selling even more crap, some of it directed at Steelers’ fans.
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND --- The Zurich Mint is celebrating three decades in the business of selling crap by selling even more crap, some of it directed at Steelers’ fans.
The company was founded in 1977 in Cleveland, Ohio as The Cleveland Mint. The company was renamed and the headquarters were transferred to Zurich in 1998. Robert Brenneman is CEO of the company. “Zurich has more of a cachet than Cleveland – way more,” Mr. Brenneman said. A distribution center remains in Cleveland, but company officials downplay that fact on the company website. “Cleveland is close to our customer base, but we don’t go out of our way to mention that,” the CEO said.
As for its products, “We like to say we offer meaningful keepsakes of beauty and importance, but we’re really in the business of pushing tchotckes and doodads. We have several important categories we rely on, but we’re always looking for cross-marketing opportunities. For example, we do well with birthstone items, and we do well with rosaries, so someone came up with the idea of birthstone rosaries. That’s the kind of synergy we encourage in the company.”
But by far the most lucrative market is Steelers merchandise. “We can put a Steelers logo on almost anything and it will sell,” Brenneman says. “We take a ten dollar watch, put a Steelers face on it, and mark it up to $99 plus shipping and handling. They fly out the door. A few weeks ago, we offered a Steelers end table for $139 --- and the buyers had to assemble it themselves! IKEA also makes you assemble furniture, but they don’t get nearly the price we do.”
Scale models of stadiums are popular, too. “Let me tell you, we were thrilled when Pennsylvania taxpayers took on tens of millions in debt to build Heinz Field. Now we can offer Three Rivers Stadium as a nostalgia item and Heinz Field as a contemporary item. We doubled sales almost without any effort on our part.”
Although the Mint is always on the lookout for new “synergies” for Steelers’ items, there’s one category Brenneman refuses to promote: women’s thongs with the Steeler logo. “That is just tacky,” he said.
AXIS OF EVIL ANNOUNCES OPEN ENROLLMENT PERIOD, MEGALOMANIACS, DICTATORS WITH FIERCE ANTI-AMERICAN CREDENTIALS URGED TO APPLY
TEHRAN - President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a card-carrying member of the Axis of Evil, said the Axis will hold a thirty-day open enrollment period beginning March 15th. Mr. Ahmadinejad made the announcement in a speech given yesterday morning at the Revolutionary Guards annual Pancake Breakfast.
“With the recent execution of one of our charter members, the former President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, we now have an opening,” he said.
The Axis of Evil is an entity determined to destroy the United States. Members of the Axis meet three times a year to damn the United States and discuss ways to hasten her obliteration from the face of the Earth.
Axis of Evil members enjoy priority seating at all Anti-American rallies around the globe, as well as an automatic fifteen per cent discount at all Denny’s Restaurants.
Mr. Ahmadinejad said he hoped the trend by young people to turn away from traditional fraternal organizations like the Kiwanis, or Lions Club, wouldn’t keep interested sociopaths from getting involved in an organization like The Axis of Evil.
“That’s why we’re holding a mixer for all prospective members at the Baghdad Elks,” he said. “Jong-Il is going to be there. Castro said he’d be there, if his doctor will let him travel.”
President Ahmadinejad said the mixer would be “the largest gathering of people who hate America since the last Democratic convention.” Then he muttered, to no one in particular, “I hope I remember the secret handshake.”
HALLIBURTON CHANGES LOYALTIES IN MOVE TO MIDDLE EAST
DUBAI - Oil services giant Halliburton announced the move of their corporate headquarters from Houston to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. The move will put the company closer to their primary market in the Middle East. In a further effort to appeal to Middle Eastern oil producers, Halliburton plans to change its corporate slogan from "Whatever It Takes" to "Death to America."
"ELDER STATESMEN" AND MAYORAL CANDIDATE BILL PEDUTO SPOTTED AT ST. BARNABAS RETIREMENT VILLAGE
PITTSBURGH - Sources close to Pittsburgh Councilor William Peduto, who is running against "kid mayor" Luke Ravenstahl, say rumors that he was seen at the rental offices of the St. Barnabas retirement village campus in Richland Township this weekend were true.One of his top campaign aides, who spoke under condition of anonymity, said that Peduto is having trouble maintaining his current residence, what with his busy schedule and all, and simply doesn't have time to prepare meals. "Bill likes the idea of community dining and interestingly enough, group 'aquarobics,' something a lot of constituents don't know about him," said the aide.
"He's also sees the the Kean Theatre as a major amenity, where they feature classic movies and live -- if barely -- entertainment from the likes of Bobby Vinton and Guy and Ralna, who you may remember from the cast of The Lawrence Welk Show," added the aide.
At press time, Peduto himself was unavailable for comment, but his aid promised he would get back to us as soon as he woke from his nap.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE BLACK, 78, BREAKS WRIST WHEN BILL "BOJANGLES" ROBINSON, 128, PUSHES HER
HOLLYWOOD - Former child actress Shirley Temple Black, 78, broke her wrist when legendary tap dancer Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, 128, pushed her to the ground. Robinson admitted to authorities that he battered Ms. Temple Black to exact revenge because, Robinson claimed, "she stole every scene" in which they appeared together in the 1935 classic motion picture "The Little Colonel."
THIS IS HOW WEDNESDAY'S MEETING WITH LEMIEUX, RENDELL AND ONORATO WILL GO DOWN
Penguins' principal owner Ron Burkle obtains a gun for Lemieux. "It's as cold as they come," Burkle tells him. "Impossible to trace. I left it noisy. That way, it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away. Walk out of the place. Don't run. Don't look nobody directly in the eye, but don't look away, either."
The Penguins learn that the secret meeting is to take place at Louis' in South Philly. They arrange to tape the gun behind the toilet in the men's room for Mario to retreive at some point during the dinner. At 8:00 p.m., Rendell and Onorato pick up Lemieux in their limousine. Lemieux is surprised when it appears they are taking him to New Jersey instead of South Philly.
But then, the car does a 180 on the Walt Whitman Bridge, back into Philly.
The men arrive at Louis'.
"Try the veal. It's the best in the city," Onorato tells Rendell. Then he adds: "I'm going to speak to Mario in French." Onorato and Lemieux converse in French, but Lemieux has no idea what Onorato is saying because, as Lemieux later explained, "[Onorato] really doesn't know how to speak French."
Mario says he has to go to the bathroom. "Oh, let me frisk him again," Rendell pleads. Onorato says "no" and Mario leaves.
Mario finds the gun behind the toilet.
Mario comes back into the dining room and ends the negotiations.
TRANSCRIPT RELEASED OF RENDELL-LEMIEUX EXCHANGE THAT LED TO "IMPASSE" OVER NEW ARENA
LEMIEUX'S FAMOUS TEMPER ALMOST SCUTTLED DEAL
[Mario Lemieux finishes telling story that elicits laughter from group]
Gov. Ed Rendell: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.
Mario Lemieux: [Deadly serious] What do you mean I'm “funny”?
Gov. Ed Rendell: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy. [Laughs]
Mario Lemieux: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Gov. Ed Rendell: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
[It becomes quiet]
Mario Lemieux: Funny how? What's funny about it?
Dan Onorato: Mario, no, You got it all wrong.
Mario Lemieux: No, no, Dan. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
Gov. Ed Rendell: (Very uncomfortable) Just...
Mario Lemieux: What?
Gov. Ed Rendell: Just... ya know... you're funny.
Mario Lemieux: (Angry) You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know, maybe it's me, I'm a little f***ed up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f***in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Gov. Ed Rendell: (Frightened) Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
Mario Lemieux: (Very angry) No, no, I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the f**k am I funny, what the f**k is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
Gov. Ed Rendell: (long pause, realizes Mario is putting him on) Get the f**k out of here, Mario!
[Everyone laughs]
Mario Lemieux: (Laughing) Ya motherf***er! I almost had him, I almost had him! I wonder about you sometimes, Eddie! You may fold under questioning!
FDA ORDERS END OF DRUG COMPANIES’ PRACTICE OF HYPING SUPPOSEDLY DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECTS TO BOOST SALES
"FOUR HOUR ERECTION" ENEMY NUMBER ONEWASHINGTON, DC – The Food and Drug Administration today ordered the end to what it calls “side-effects hyping” by the nation’s pharmaceutical companies. “It’s the old ‘Jeckyll and Hyde’ syndrome,” explained FDA Director Dr. Noah Swayne. “Make something seem exciting and bad, and people naturally gravitate toward it.”
What Swayne is referring to are those warnings about medications causing other problems such as dizziness or nausea, delivered in a stylish, inviting manner at the end of the ad. "When people hear that the drug can do all these dangerous things," Swayne explained, "they conclude that it must be really powerful, that it works, so of course they want it." Swayne said that over the years the drug companies have gone to great lengths to invent these thrilling side effects to boost sales, but the practice has gotten out of hand.
It's no coincidence, Swayne said, that the number one selling prescription drug in the country is a treatment for impotence. “One of the supposed dangerous side effects is that it may cause a four hour erection and you should call your doctor if it happens,” said Swayne, “Now, come on! Every guy hears that and says 'Now that's the kind of dangerous side effect I want.' And by the way, we have no record of any doctor every being called. Obviously, if you're fortunate enough to have such a side effect, your doctor is the last person you're going to call.”
What Swayne is referring to are those warnings about medications causing other problems such as dizziness or nausea, delivered in a stylish, inviting manner at the end of the ad. "When people hear that the drug can do all these dangerous things," Swayne explained, "they conclude that it must be really powerful, that it works, so of course they want it." Swayne said that over the years the drug companies have gone to great lengths to invent these thrilling side effects to boost sales, but the practice has gotten out of hand.
It's no coincidence, Swayne said, that the number one selling prescription drug in the country is a treatment for impotence. “One of the supposed dangerous side effects is that it may cause a four hour erection and you should call your doctor if it happens,” said Swayne, “Now, come on! Every guy hears that and says 'Now that's the kind of dangerous side effect I want.' And by the way, we have no record of any doctor every being called. Obviously, if you're fortunate enough to have such a side effect, your doctor is the last person you're going to call.”
SHERIFFS' ASSOCIATION SUES TO KEEP THEIR OFFICES AS ELECTED POSITIONS
Important source of income will be lost if sheriffs can no longer shake down employees for "campaign funds"
COULTER'S REMARKS STIR CONTROVERSY
WASHINGTON Prior to the release of her new book "How to Deep Fry Puppies," conservative pundit Ann Coulter is grabbing headlines by using what most people would consider shocking statements. While addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Washington last week, Coulter labeled Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards a "Political Mastermind," stunning the Republican gathering. Republican presidential candidates quickly distanced themselves from Coulter's remarks. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney said, "I spoke to her earlier today and she said Edwards had nice hair. I told her I had nice hair, too, and she called me a 'faggot.'"
Arizona Senator John McCain said, "Ann Coulter doesn't speak for all Republicans. I told her that she was free to speak her mind and the party was free to disagree. That's when she called me a 'pasty faced old faggot.'"
Former New York Mayor Rudi Giuliani brushed off Coulter's remarks. "Her apparent endorsement of Edwards may have had something to do with her medications, I don't know. As far as what she said to the other candidates, I'm not sure she knows the meaning of the word 'faggot.'" Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, another presidential candidate, disagreed with Giuliani. "I believe she knows exactly what it means," said Brownback. "She called me a 'cornholing, fudgepacking, panty wearing faggot.' I think that shows a pretty good understanding of the word."
The furor over Coulter's heartfelt admiration of John Edwards completely overshadowed her announcement that she had joined the Ku Klux Klan.
The furor over Coulter's heartfelt admiration of John Edwards completely overshadowed her announcement that she had joined the Ku Klux Klan.
DR. PERPER KNOWS WHAT KILLED ANNA NICOLE SMITH, BUT HE WON'T SAY UNTIL MAY SWEEPS
Non-telegenic coroner tapes series of teasers for 'Entertainment Tonight'
COFFEE PITCHMAN JUAN VALDEZ SEIZES CONTROL OF COLOMBIAN GOVERNMENT IN MILITARY COUP, MARS BUSH TRIP
WELL-KNOWN ICON CUTS OFF COFFEE EXPORTS TO U.S.; U.S. COFFEE DRINKERS CALL FOR INVASIONBOGOTA, Colombia - In the midst of President Bush's visit, Colombia's favorite son, beloved coffee pitchman Juan Valdez seized control of the Colombian government and ousted democratically elected president Alvaro Uribe Velez last night in a military coup sparked by a wave of discontent among Colombia's half-million coffee growers, El Campesinos.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said that as soon as President Bush learned of the coup, he "cut and ran the hell out of there."
Valdez immediately named his popular sidekick mule, Conchita, as Vice President.
In Valdez's first address to the nation, the former spokesman for the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia shocked U.S. officials by announcing he is cutting off all exports of Colombian coffee to the United States, a move denounced by President Bush as an act of terrorism.
In the wake of Valdez's action, President Bush announced that the U.S. government would release hundreds of tons of stockpiled caffeine to ease the pending crisis. Meanwhile, Starbucks Coffee announced it was jacking up the price of its House Blend "Tall" to $12 per cup, causing seventeen U.S. Senators to jointly demand hearings on coffee price gouging.
Coffee drinkers across America, both liberal and conservative, joined together in protests calling for U.S. troops to be sent to Colombia. At a rally in New York City, New York Times columnist and coffee drinker Maureen Dowd called for the military "to take back the coffee fields at whatever cost, even if it means slaughtering innocent Colombians."
PENGUIN MANAGEMENT, LOCAL OFFICIALS DECLARE AN IMPASSE IN ARENA TALKS
JOINT CHIEFS, KISSINGER URGE RENDELL TO RESUME SATURATION BOMBING “TO BRING THEM BACK TO THE TABLE”
NOW PRESIDENT PROTESTS EQUAL TREATMENT OF MEN ON ‘AMERICAN IDOL’
"Let’s face it --- those guys stink and they’re taking spaces away from qualified women,” president says WASHINGTON, DC --- National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy called a news conference today to denounce ‘American Idol’ producers for treating the men and women equally.
Since the initial auditions around the country, the male singers have been especially weak. That trend continued through Hollywood Week, but when it came time for the judges to pick the 24 finalists, they were forced to choose equal numbers of men and women to continue on in the competition. Since then, men and women have been voted off in equal numbers.
“It’s been obvious to everyone that the men don’t deserve the twelve slots reserved for them,” Ms. Gandy said. “Their performances have ranged from so-so to awful to creepy. Meanwhile, talented women are sitting at home, victims of discrimination.” Asked by reporters why she didn’t support equality in all fields, Gandy said, “Fifty-fifty is fair when it’s to our advantage --- like in firefighting positions or police work. But when men need the leg up, absolutely not. If men can’t do the job, they should not be taking positions away from women who can.”
MARCH 11 COMPUTER GLITCH PROVIDES LAST GASP TO STRUGGLING Y2K BUSINESS
PORT VUE - In the late 1990s, software programmer Noah Swayne's business was booming because his specialty was preventing Y2K problems. The potential disasters associated with the so-called Millennium Bug never materialized. Unfortunately for Swayne, he never diversified his business. Since January 1, 2000, Swayne has witnessed a sharp decline in customers. "In fact, I had no business at all," Swayne said. "One day I have more business than I can handle, going to Atlantic City every weekend, the next day, poof, it's all gone."
Swayne hung on, waiting for the next computer-generated cataclysm, and he's hoping the March 11 bug is, in his words, "the big one." The nation's computers, he explained, are not prepared for the early start of daylight saving time on March 11th. So once again, Swayne is working eighteen hour days, patching desktops and laptops. After this, "Who knows?" he said. "I'm just grateful this new problem surfaced. I don't know if I could hang on for Y3K."
LOCAL DRAMA UNFOLDS: KDKA'S MARTY GRIFFIN CLAIMS HE IS FATHER OF LOCAL NEWS ANCHOR KRISTINE SORENSEN'S UNBORN BABY
IN OTHER NEWS, THE MAN KNOWN ONLY AS "THE HUSBAND" OF FORMER KDKA ANCHOR-TURNED-ENTREPRENEUR JENNIFER ANTKOWIAK MAKES SHOCKING CONFESSION: "I AM NOT REALLY THE FATHER OF HER 17 CHILDREN. SOMEBODY, PLEASE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS MESS, FAST"
IRAQ OFFERS TO HELP RAVENSTAHL
PITTSBURGH - Following news that the Penguins informed Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl that they "are at the end of their rope" and that talks for a new arena have reached an impasse, the mayor received a quick offer of assistance from half a world away. The Iraqi execution team forwarded the mayor what mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar described as "a very cordial note.""Hearing that an entire hockey team could be at the end of their rope is a very exciting prospect for us," said execution team captain Mahdi Temimi. "Hanging twenty or so men could really boost our morale."
The mayor and Gov. Ed Rendell have declined the Iraqi offer "for the time being," and insist that they can hammer out a deal.
The mayor and Gov. Ed Rendell have declined the Iraqi offer "for the time being," and insist that they can hammer out a deal.
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