WASHINGTON - Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Rahvenstahl voiced his support for a contentious immigration measure that narrowly passed the Senate. At the mayor's urging, Sen. Bob Casey (D-PA) added an amendment to the bill by that would fund a fourteen-foot fence around Pittsburgh to slow the city's population loss.
PG's editorial board made it appear that Bob Hoover loathes his "hero" Ronald Reagan
"I want an army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the west. I want to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, sh*t kickers and Methodists."
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers have fired the computer responsible for forwarding a pornographic video to league offices earlier this month.
New Duquesne women’s basketball coach calls this the cornerstone to her recruitment efforts
MANADO, Indonesia - Yustinus “Hooker” Lahama, the Indonesian fisherman who caught an ancient fish last week, will host a prime time fishing show on ESPN.
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - On Tuesday afternoon at approximately 1:45, that son of a bitch television reporter Jon Delano sat across the aisle from me at the Smithfield Cafe interviewing the restaurant's owner John Petrolias regarding the Commonwealth Court's decision lifting the smoking ban, and the son of a bitch snubbed me.
UPMC, South Side -- Under the advisement of Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has agreed to undergo an unprecedented and unproven procedure that, according to Onorato, "might make him sound like a human being." Ravenstahl will be placed inside a futuristic machine alongside KDKA TV’s political editor Jon Delano, in an effort to blend their voices so that Ravenstahl's monotone will be diffused with normal voice inflections. One of the benefits of the procedure is that some of the melody will be extracted from Delano's "sing-songy" delivery.
LITERALLY BORN-AGAIN FALWELL SAYS HE IS THANKFUL, BUT MIGHT SUE ANGLEY FOR SMACKING HIM ON THE HEAD DURING HEALING SERVICE
PITTSBURGH - Pirates General Manager David Littlefield announced that the team has promoted promising twenty-five hundred year old rookie Moses to the major leagues. Moses is considered to be a key figure in Littlefield’s so-called “Forty-Year Plan” to rebuild the Pirates into a contender.
NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE - King Friday XIII, who survived two assassination attempts and a lengthy battle with prostate cancer during the course of his forty years on the throne, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease today by his royal physician Dr. Bill Platypus.
HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has been offered a reduced jail sentence for good behavior since her recent arrest. Conditions of the offer include Hilton serving her sentence as a Wal-Mart greeter rather than at the Century Regional Detention Center in suburban Lynwood, Hilton's lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, called the conditions "unreasonable." Hutton explained: "We would consider Penney's, but she's not serving hard time at Wal-Mart."
HEALTH CARE BEHEMOTH WILL SIMPLY MAIL ALL ITS CONFIDENTIAL PATIENT INFORMATION TO EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN THE TRI-STATE AREA
"I don't know what that Porter family has against me and my little horses," said the owner, Nicholas Bing.
BY JUDGE RUFUS PECKHAM - The New York Times must get a lot of free books.
PITTSBURGH - Generations of high-profile Western Pennsylvania criminal defendants have retained attorney Jim Ecker, primarily so he can walk with them down the street to the County Courthouse and stop and tell television news reporters with a straight face the defendant is not guilty.
BEVERLY HILLS BANKER SAYS FIRST PRIORITY IS TO KEEP THE CLAMPETTS FROM MOVING BACK TO THE MOUNTAINS
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An extensive ten-year study by the U. S. Department of Health has concluded the lifestyle of the average homeless person is far healthier than that of other Americans. The study measured cholesterol, hypertension, body fat, aerobic fitness and other key health factors. Without exception, the homeless had the better scores in every category.
"I am humbled and honored by the voters' confidence -- not to mention their stupidity," said the Upper St. Clair attorney.
DARLENE DURHAM KNEW SHE WOULDN'T BE UNEMPLOYED FOR LONG FOLLOWING CARLISLE'S ELECTION LOSS TO REV. BURGESS
NEW YORK - Filmmaker Ken Burns has reached an agreement with Hispanic groups to add additional scenes to his newest project, a twenty part, forty-four-hour adaptation of Dee Brown’s 1971 classic tale of the Indian wars, “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee ” The additional scenes will highlight Latino acts of barbarity and cruelty in America ’s quest to fulfill its manifest destiny.
