A PLUG FROM THE POST-GAZETTE'S WRITING GURU

The Carbolic Smoke Ball appreciates the plug from the dean of Pittsburgh writers, the Post-Gazette's writing guru Peter Leo, in today's Morning File. We note that Mr. Leo is gracious enough not to ridicule our grammar.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

SANTONIO HOLMES WINS ROOKIE TALENT SHOW WITH IMPROMPTU GARLAND TRIBUTE

LATROBE, Pa. - Steelers rookie wide receiver Santonio Holmes captivated veterans and coaches alike last night with a note-perfect tribute to Judy Garland, winning the traditional rookie talent show in a landslide. Standing between the steam tables, Holmes delivered a ten-minute medley of Garland’s most famous numbers, pausing only to identify the composer of each song and the film in which the song was introduced.

Steelers defensive backs coach Darren Perry said it was the most memorable rookie talent show performance he had witnessed. “I remember when I had to get up in front of my teammates during my first training camp in 1992. I was so nervous, I nearly forgot the words to my song. I sang The Way We Were, and when I got to the line that begins “scattered pictures,” I froze. Fortunately, Greg Lloyd was in the front row and he softly sang the next line, so I was able to pick it up without missing a beat. Greg was a huge Streisand fan, you know.” Perry added, however, that Holmes made him look like a rank amateur. “Santonio opened with The Trolley Song, zipping from table to table with his 'clang clang clangs' and such. It put a smile on everyone’s face," he said. "By the time he hit the big finish of Rock-a-Bye Your Baby With a Dixie Melody, the whole dining hall was standing and cheering. Tears were streaming down Coach Cowher’s face. Casey Hampton and Duce Staley were sobbing on each other’s shoulders. I’ve never seen anything like it. I knew Santonio was a receiva, but I had no idea he was a diva.”

Holmes was typically modest when asked about his ability to channel the legendary singer. “I’ve been a fan of Judy my whole life. I’ve got every record she ever made.” He then fell to one knee and began crooning “You Made Me Love You,” before blowing a kiss and heading off to practice.

Here are some of the stories we are following:

*Mayor O'Connor escapes, city on high alert.

*Wecht doubts intruder was responsible in JonBenet homicide, cites second shooter on grassy knoll.

*Bush, Swann wow Amish votes at Lancaster Barn Raising.

*John Mark Kerr's ex-wife provides alibi for ex-husband in Ramsey case, and for Joran van der Sloot in Natalee Holloway case.

*Dick Skrinjar "tempted" to operate on Mayor himself to excise the cancer.

*Revenue and earnings surge gives UPMC sufficient cash to buy Pittsburgh Brewing.

*First puppy tapped to head major school district: direct descendant of Teddy Roosevelt's dog takes over the reigns in Philadelphia.

*Mr. Clean's dirty little secret: You won't believe what the famous icon got himself into.

*John Mark Kerr's confession in JonBenet killing is doubted in light of his confession for the Hoffa, Lindbergh kidnappings.

*Nostradamus warned future generations about the rise of Unspace.

*New Reality show to stick Castro's daughter in house with Mussolini's granddaughter and "watch the fireworks begin."

*UN calls for end to mideast violence, says someone could get hurt.

*Bettis proves Cowher told him he was retiring, releases tape of phone message where Cowher asked him to "line up some 'bro's from the hood to help move my junk out of my office as soon as the season ends."

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WE'RE REPORTING TOMORROW IN THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL!

COWHER, STEELERS BREAK OFF CONTRACT EXTENSION TALKS, ONORATO PLACES COWHER UNDER HOUSE ARREST

PITTSBURGH - The Steelers released a statement by team President Art Rooney II yesterday announcing that contract extension talks between the club and Coach Bill Cowher would resume after the 2006 season, further fueling speculation that Cowher plans on leaving the Steelers when his contract expires. In an effort to calm a nervous public, Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato held a press conference shortly thereafter to announce that he was placing Coach Cowher “under house arrest, effective immediately, to ensure the continuity necessary in Steelers management required to maintain civic order.”

Onorato said that members of the County Delta Force team were “already on the ground at St. Vincent” – the site of Steelers training camp – and had placed Cowher under “protective custody.” Reportedly, Cowher is being housed in a suite at the Pittsburgh Hilton. “I want to assure the citizens of this region that he can check out any time he likes, but he can never leave,” Onorato said. He added that Cowher would remain under twenty-four hour guard for an undetermined amount of time, being escorted to and from Steelers practices, meetings and games by a heavily armed team of twenty to thirty members of the Allegheny County Special Forces. He said he would consider allowing Cowher the opportunity for conjugal visits in the Heinz Field parking lot on game day, “in the event of a Steelers victory.”

When reporters asked Onorato if he was concerned about possible violations of Cowher’s constitutional rights, he became irritated. “What about the rights of the people who depend on the Steelers to give their lives meaning? The rights of Steelers fans trump the Constitution every time. I believe Chief Justice Frenchy Fuqua said that.”

EVGENI MALKIN AT U.N., BANGS SKATE ON TABLE, DEMANDS FUNDING FOR NEW ARENA

NEW YORK - Evgeni Malkin, the Russian hockey player whose NHL rights are owned by the Pittsburgh Penguins, made a surprise appearance at the United Nations today. Malkin allegedly barged into a Security Council meeting dealing with the cease fire in Lebanon and delivered a thirty minute harangue against the “reactionary forces and bourgeois elements conspiring to prevent the Isle of Capri group from obtaining the slots license in Pittsburgh.” According to witnesses, Malkin demanded U.N. funding for a new hockey arena in Pittsburgh. He also called U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan “a jerk, a stooge, and a lackey of imperialism.”

Malkin, who has been in seclusion since abandoning his Russian team in Finland last week, reportedly objected to remarks made by Secretary General Annan about the propriety of dealing with arena funding “when the lives of so many people depend upon securing a lasting peace in Lebanon.” Malkin, who graciously consented to fill the Russian seat on the Security Council while the Russian Ambassador kept a dentist appointment, immediately jumped to his feet. Removing his ice skate, he repeatedly pounded his skate on the table in an attempt to disrupt the proceedings. Malkin shouted that the Penguins needed a new arena to remain competitive, adding that if the U.N. refused to provide the financial assistance needed for construction “we will bury you.”

The volatile Malkin, known for his brusque, abrasive language and crude, peasant demeanor, has threatened to place nuclear missiles in Cuba “should the Penguins be forced to relocate due to the inaction of so-called Western Pennsylvania political leaders.”

Penguins owner Mario Lemieux issued a statement yesterday disavowing Malkin’s remarks, adding that “the last thing this franchise needs is the bad publicity associated with an international incident.”

PITTSBURGHERS ANXIOUSLY AWAIT NEWS THAT THEIR GOD HAS ENTERED INTO NEW COVENANT

MR. ROONEY'S VOICE BOOMS FROM THE SKY: "I WILL SET MY BOW IN THE CLOUD, AND IT SHALL BE A SIGN TO THE PEOPLE OF PITTSBURGH OF THE COVENANT BETWEEN THE STEELERS AND COACH COWHER."

BILL COWHER FIRES LAWYER, HIRES CHICO MARX TO HANDLE NEGOTIATIONS WITH STEELERS' CRAFTY COUNSEL

HIGH COURT HOLDS THAT PREAMBLE OF CONSTITUTION CONFLICTS WITH ESTABLISHMENT CLAUSE AND IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL

IN ANGRY DISSENT, JUSTICE SCALIA SETS OFF FIRE ALARMS IN SUPREME COURT BUILDING

WASHINGTON - In a 5 to 4 decision, the Supreme Court today ruled in Bob Haas v. Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that the Preamble to the Constitution is unconstitutional because it calls for "Blessings" from a higher power, which the opinion concluded is forbidden by the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. The offending language states: "We the People of the United States, in Order to . . . secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Justice Stephen Breyer's majority opinion concluded that the Framers of the Constitution must have intended to call upon blessings from a higher power in the preamble because the "B" in "Blessings" is capitalized. Two pages later, however, Breyer conceded that, in fact, "the usage of capital letters by the Framers of the Constitution, like the fancy calligraphy, was largely meaningless; the Framers not only were prone to scrivener excesses but, in general, acted without rhyme or reason." Regardless, the opinion explained, "this has never deterred this Court from twisting and contorting the Framers' ambiguous words to suit one modern agenda or another." Accordingly, and without further explanation, the opinion held that "the word 'Blessings' references blessings from a deity, and that such reference is unconstitutional."

In her concurring opinion, Justice Ginsburg agreed and added, "I would go so far as to say the entire document [the Constitution] probably is unconstitutional, but that question is not before the Court today."

In an angry dissent, Justice Scalia set off the fire alarms throughout the Supreme Court building, which was evacuated as a safety precaution.

PIRATES REFUSE TO ELEVATE MINOR LEAGUER WHO CONSISTENTLY THROWS IN THE 130's

ALTOONA - Wardell Starling, a 6'4" righthanded pitcher, toils for the Pirates double A minor league club The Altoona Curve despite consistently throwing more than 130 miles per hour, some thirty miles faster than the fastest pitches ever recorded in professional baseball. The Curve's insurance company insists that Starling's catching place a metal plate inside his glove to prevent serious injury. Starling also has the least walks of any starting pitcher in double A baseball.

When a photographer for this news source took a photograph of Starling throwing in a game at Altoona with the speed gun aimed at him (above), the machine showed a speed of 136 miles per hour. As soon as the picture was snapped, Bob Nutting, son of the principal owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates G. Ogden Nutting, began shouting profanities at the photographer and ran after him demanding that he surrender the photorgraph.

When a reporter for this news source asked Nutting why Starling had not been elevated to pitch for the pitching-starved Pittsburgh Pirates, Nutting insisted it was because Starling "hasn't yet mastered the fastball."

The Nuttings have been repeatedly criticized by Pirates fans this year for what some have charged is a lack of commitment to win.

ALBERT PUJOLS DEMANDS TRADE TO PIRATES AND CARDS SAY THEY'LL TAKE XAVIER NADY FOR HIM

LITTLEFIELD REJECTS TRADE OUT-OF-HAND, SAYS PUJOLS "NOT THE ANSWER" AT FIRST, AND "BUCS WILL NEED MORE THAN THAT" TO PART WITH NADY

BACK-TO-BACK HOMERUNS IN PIRATES' VICTORY OVER CARDS MAY LEAD TO DIVORCE

MRS. JOAN ROADHOUSE'S COMMENT THAT FIREWORKS FOLLOWING SECOND HOMERUN NOT AS POTENT AS FIRST STRIKES NERVE IN HUSBAND

PITTSBURGH - Joan and Bradleys Roadhouse, who attended yesterday's Pirates' victory over the Cardinals at PNC Park, appear headed for divorce court due to the Jason Bay-Joe Randa back-to-back homeruns.

After every Pirate homerun at PNC Park a short burst of fireworks is set off just beyond the outfield wall. Yesterday was no different following Bay's homerun. However, the fireworks following Randa's homerun just moments later were noticeably less potent than the ones for Bay. Mrs. Roadhouse, 32, made the mistake of commenting to her husband that "they had trouble loading the firework shooter after the first round -- they couldn't get it off." She compounded her mistake by chuckling about it. Bradleys Roadhouse, 34, construed his wife's comments as a reference to his amorous capabilities, prompting him to storm out of the ballpark. Joan Roadhouse told this news source that she "grows weary" of what she calls her husband's paranoia. "He even has a complex over the size of the hot dogs that the parrot shoots off," she said.

Mrs. Roadhouse asked that this incident not be made public. To appease her and to encourage her to tell us her story, we agreed.

LYNN SWANN STAGES IMPROMPTU RALLY, SAYS PENNSYLVANIA'S GOT TROUBLE WITH A CAPITAL "T" AND THAT RHYMES WITH "G" AND THAT STANDS FOR GAMING

PITTSBURGH - Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann made a stop in Pittsburgh today to learn what issues are of concern to Pittsburghers, or if there aren't any, to invent some. Swann sat on a bench in Market Square eating an apple next to supporter State Senator Jane Orie.

"Jane, all I need is an opening," Swann said, taking a bite. "You remember the pitch. What can I use? What's new around here?"

Orie shrugged her shoulders and couldn't think of anything. "Well, Duquesne Light's got a new sign," she said facetiously.

"Now, Jane," Swann scolded her with his eyes, "I need some ideas, if I'm going to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in."

"Pittsburgh's not in any trouble," Orie said innocently.

"Then we're gonna have to create some," Swann winked. "Must create a desperate need in your town for a governor who's a conservative, black, ex-football-star."

Just then an IGT slot machine truck lumbered into the Square and parked nearby. A crowd gathered around it. Swann was puzzled. "Why is that crowd so interested in that slot machine truck? They must have seen a slot machine before," Swann said.

"Not in Pittsburgh. Just pinball and video games," Orie replied.

Swann put his hand to his head, a brainstorm brewing, then he snapped his fingers as if he'd solved a riddle. "That'll do it." He sprang to his feet and raced to the bandstand, motioning the passersby in the Square to gather around. Then he launched into what can best be described as a ragtime-era rap:

Ya got trouble, my friends, right here, I say, trouble right here in three rivers city . . .

Swann worked the crowd into a frenzy, excoriating Governor Rendell's gaming legislation by painting a dire picture of the terrible effects it will have on Pittsburgh's youth:

All week long your three rivers youth'll be fritterin',
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, chore-time too!
Putting quarter after quarter in the slots --
Never mind about getting dandelions pulled or the screendoor patched or the beefsteak pounded,
Never mind pumpin' any water till their parents are caught with their cistern empty on a Saturday night!
And that's trouble! We got lots and lots of trouble!
Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "G" and that stands for gaming!

By now the crowd had become an angry mob ready to flip the IGT truck on its side. Just then, a Wells Fargo rolled down Forbes Avenue and eased its way into the middle of the Square. The back door of the truck swung open to reveal none other than a smiling Governor Ed Rendell, who immediately began handing out things to the stunned crowd: money, all manner of grants and government programs, even band instruments. It was largesse on a scale never before seen in Market Square. At least two of the Square's regular beggars fainted. In a matter of seconds the crowd had gone from angry to incredulous to gleeful, and they forgot all about Swann.

Watching from the bandstand, Swann methodically packed up his suitcase in a manner suggesting he was accustomed to this result. "Rendell's such a con artist," he said to Orie. "Let's head out to Latrobe. I hear they just lost their brewery so this ought to be a perfect time for me to explain what terrible trouble they're in."

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL IN "PRINT" MEDIA

Readers of this news service know that if we stopped to acknowledge all the accolades we receive, there would be precious little time to serve the downtrodden. We make this one exception to salute the brave members of the print media who mention us, including the wonderful football writers at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette who mentioned us last Friday: Link to Pittsburgh Post Gazette

DICK SKRINJAR HAS MELTDOWN, THREATENS REPORTERS WITH PHYSICAL HARM IF THEY DON'T STOP LISTENING TO MAYOR'S PHYSICIANS

PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar lost control of himself at a press briefing this morning and angrily rebuked reporters for attending a medical briefing by Mayor O'Connor's physicians last week. With veins in his neck bulging and spittle oozing from the corners of his mouth, Skrinjar slammed his desk and screamed at the top of his lungs. "Who are you going to believe, me or those overpaid doctors who don't have the city's best interest at heart?" Skrinjar swiped his arm across the desk, sending papers, pens and family photographs to the floor. "The doctors don't know what they're talking about. The Mayor is fine, fine, I tell you. Read my lips: The cancer cells are dead. The Mayor just needs to regain his strength." With eyes closed, Skrinjar cocked his head toward the ceiling and let loose a primal scream while repeatedly beating his chest. Deputy Mayor Yarone Zober quietly entered the office and led reporters out, closing the door behind him.

MYRON COPE RAMS MARTHA FLEISHMAN'S CAR ON I-279

*PITTSBURGH ICON ADMITS HE'S BEEN "PATROLLING STREETS" SINCE JUNE LOOKING FOR VEHICLE THAT STRUCK BIG BEN "IN ORDER TO EXACT RETRIBUTION"

*FORMER STEELERS BROADCASTER WAS NOT WEARING A HELMET, SAY POLICE

PLANE BOUND FROM HEATHROW TO LAGUARDIA FORCED TO RETURN TO LONDON BECAUSE DIET COKE FOUND ON BOARD

TERROR SUSPECTS BEING HELD WITHOUT LIQUIDS

TONY BLAIR: "I MUST SAY, THAT IS IRONIC, ISN'T IT?"

OUR TRIBUTE TO MAYOR O'CONNOR FOLLOWS: A LOOK BACK ON SOME LANDMARK STORIES

PITTSBURGH MAYOR O'CONNOR HIRES GOONS TO "BREAK THE LEGS" OF MAYORS WHO'VE WELSHED ON PLAYOFF GAME BETS

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh's new Mayor, Bob O'Connor, says he has hired "goons" who will "break the legs" of the Mayors of Cincinnatti, Indianapolis and Denver, all of whom have welshed on their playoff game bets, according to O'Connor. The Steelers defeated the teams in all three cities to advance to the Super Bowl.

"In my neighborhood, we have a term for people like these bums who don't pay up -- it's 'deadman,'" said O'Connor. "In fact, if I weren't going to the Super Bowl to sit in a luxury box as the most powerful, most important elected official of the city of the favorite team, I'd accompany my men to pay a little housecall on these deadbeats," said O'Connor.

PITTSBURGH DISCOVERS $15 MILLION SURPLUS HIDDEN IN MAYONNAISE JAR IN TOM MURPHY'S DESK

MAYOR O'CONNOR TO SPEND NEW-FOUND MONEY RESPONSIBLY: WILL STAND ATOP LADDER IN LOBBY OF CITY-COUNTY BUILDING AND TOSS BILLS TO CITY EMPLOYEES


PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bob O'Connor yesterday said he was stunned to discover that Pittsburgh has a $15 million surplus because former Mayor Tom Murphy stashed it away in a mayonnaise jar hidden in a desk drawer. "It was the damnest thing," said O'Connor. "I pried open the drawer and there's this mayonnaise jar. I was about to toss it because the stuff looked moldy, and frankly I'm a mustard kind-of-guy anyway. But then I saw what it was, and I was like, 'Whoa, that's money!'"

Murphy's former secretary, Velveeta Zappala-Lugosi, revealed that Murphy told her about the jar as he was being forcibly removed from his office the day O'Connor was sworn in. "He whispered in my ear, 'Don't let that damn John Murray and the Oversight Board get their hands on the mayonnaise jar.'"

O'Connor said he realizes he has a grave responsibility to the taxpayers to spend the new-found money prudently. "After much thought, I've decided that I'm going to gather the entire city work force into the atrium of the City-County Building, then I'm going to climb a ladder -- and scatter the bills throughout the crowd. Heck, I've got to start thinking about getting reelected, don't I?"

PITTSBURGH COVERS BUILDINGS WITH HOLLYWOOD FACADES TO FOOL NATION FOR ALL-STAR GAME

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh has completed the arduous process of covering downtown buildings with fake facades borrowed from Hollywood studio backlots as part of a grand effort to spruce itself up for this Tuesday's All Star game.

One particular eyesore was the Fifth-Forbes corridor that is set for a major overhaul in the next five years. Since that timetable wouldn't help with the All-Star game, Mayor Bob O'Connor had its dilapidated buildings covered with the facades from the town square used in the Back to the Future trilogy, courtesy of Universal Studios. Likewise Wood Street, stretching from the Boulevard of the Allies to Sixth Avenue, has been covered over with the facades from Warner Brothers' old Western Street. The occasional gun play that breaks out between Pittsburgh roving gangs will be more appropriate in such a setting, the Mayor said.

Market Square has been turned into Munchkinland from the Wizard of Oz. O'Connor asked City Councilwoman Twanda Carlisle to play the Wicked Witch of the West, "just for laughs," but Tom Sokolowski, director of The Andy Warhol Museum, campaigned heavily for it, and he will don the black hat and ride the broom.

"I could do without the baseball," said Sokolowski, "but still I say, Hooray! At least for a few days, Pittsburgh's going to be a fairyland!"

DOWNTOWN PARALYZED AFTER TURKEY SPOTTED IN GATEWAY PLAZA, MAYOR URGES CALM

PITTSBURGH - Heavily armed shock troops took to the streets downtown, police officers barked at pedestrians to fetch some cranberry sauce and Mayor O’Connor wore a beak-proof vest yesterday as reports of a turkey in the heart of the "golden triangle" triggered a massive police response, bringing traffic to a standstill and shutting down businesses.

Several nervous callers to 911 described a turkey, possibly delicious, in the bushes of a garden in Gateway Plaza near the Boulevard of the Allies. Police immediately closed off streets in the area. Chief Dom Costa said that he wanted to assure the general public that “apprehending this monster is our top priority.” Mayor O’Connor, addressing a group of homeless men carrying forks and knives, pleaded for calm. “Despite the fact that many of you look awfully hungry, I beg you not to take matters – or this bird – into your own hands. Let the professionals handle this.” Just then, O'Connor turned around and saw Governor Rendell's limosine pulling up. "Here he is now," said O'Connor.

Rendell, known as much for his voracious appetite as for his generosity in giving away taxpayer money, immediately took control of the situation and called for a state trooper to "find me an oven-safe meat thermometer and plenty of stuffing."

IS YARONE ZOBER UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF RUNNING PITTSBURGH?

ALL LIQUIDS BANNED FROM FLIGHTS, PASSENGERS MUST EMPTY BLADDERS BEFORE BOARDING

WASHINGTON - The Department of Homeland Security announced this morning that a terrorist plot to blow up planes over cities using liquid explosives has been thwarted by Scotland Yard in London. Because of the threat, starting this morning passengers on all U.S. domestic flights are forbidden from bringing liquids of any kind on board planes.

According to Department of Homeland Security spokeswoman Velvetta Lugosi-Sammartino, the ban includes even liquids in bladders. "We are instructing all passengers to [urinate] prior to getting in line to board or they will be banned from their flight," she said. Special urinals are being set up at all security check points to aid passengers. "This may be tough on the women," chuckled Ms. Lugosi-Sammartino, "but I can tell you that the guards at the security points are having a marvelous time this morning watching the gals try to use those things."

CALIGUIRI STATUE SCULPTOR FINALLY SEES CREATION IN PITTSBURGH FOR FIRST TIME: "YOU LEFT IT IN SUN TOO LONG," HE CRIES. "IT'S MELTING!"

ROBERT BERKS SAYS MAYOR MASLOFF DESTROYED HIS CREATION BY LEAVING IT OUTSIDE -- IT "LOOKS LIKE 'THE THING' FROM THE FANTASTIC FOUR"

PITTSBURGH - In 1990, Robert Berks sculpted the statue of Pittsburgh's late Mayor Richard Caliguiri that stands in front of Pittsburgh's City-County Building in his New York City Studio. Berks had never seen his creation in Pittsburgh until yesterday when he was in town to participate in a symposium at the Warhol. Tom Sokolowski, curator of the Warhol, drove Berks to see the statue just after rush hour.

"What have you done to it?" Berks screamed as Sokolowski's car came to a halt in front of the building. Berks explained that the statue he sculpted was a smooth, perfectly realistic likeness of the late Mayor, a work that could have passed for Caliguiri's twin. "But, this -- this craggy-looking monster . . ." Berks said the statue looks as though he "didn't care enough about it to finish it, to smooth it down." He burst into tears.

When Berks regained his composure he explained that he had instructed former Mayor Sophie Masloff that the statue needed to be brought inside during the warm weather, or else its outer coating "would melt."

That's exactly what happened. Contacted for this story, former Mayor Masloff conceded that she "forgot" to have the statue brought inside, "just like I forgot to tell anybody about that strange fungus I discovered under the desk in the mayor's office that I suspected killed Mayor Caliguiri. I sure wish I had remembered to warn Bob O'Connor about it."

"MULTIPLE, PERHAPS INNUMERABLE" NUMBERS TO BE ADDED TO 9-1-1 EMERGENCY TELEPHONE NUMBER

NEW YORK - AT&T says that the explosive demand for emergency telephone service has forced it to tack on multiple numbers to its 9-1-1 emergency telephone number. "We just have too many communities in this country wanting 9-1-1, and there's no way to insure that all the calls get routed to the right dispatcher," said AT&T spokesperson Mohamed Skrinjar. "The same overload problem happened to our "800" numbers, so we now have "877" and "888."

Starting in September, to access 9-1-1 a caller will first have to dial the area code, followed by 9-1-1, and then a twelve digit number. Eventually this twelve digit number will exceed twenty and perhaps thirty digits.

But, Skrinjar said, that's the easy part. "To guard against terrorists who would hijack the 9-1-1 system, that twelve digit number will need to be changed on a weekly basis. The tricky part is that AT&T will not publicize the constantly-changing twelve digit number." Then exactly how will callers be able to access the emergency telephone number? "All they need to do to get the current twelve digit number is dial 4-1-1 to access an operator," Skrinjar said. "The operator will then dial the complete emergency telephone number for you."

So, instead of dialing 9-1-1, all that a caller need do is dial 4-1-1? "Yes," said Skrinjar, "but there's a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes than that."

MAYOR HAS EXCESS FLUID ON BRAIN DRAINED AT PENNZOIL

MECHANICS TRY TO SELL MAYOR NEW AIR FILTER BUT DICK SKRINJAR SAYS, "MAYBE NEXT TIME"

PITTSBURGH - Mayor O'Connor had the excess fluid drained from his brain this afternoon, but the procedure was not performed by his physicians at Shadyside Hospital. Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar explained that the city has a contract with the Pennzoil oil change service provider in Squirrel Hill, so the Mayor was transported there by ambulance at 12:30 p.m., and mechanic Justin Kolb, 20, performed the delicate ten minute procedure.

Kolb held a news conference after the fluid was drained. "It, like, went smoothly," he said.

Dick Skrinjar told this news service that while the procedure was in progress, Pennzoil mechanics brought him the Mayor's air filter, which they claimed was due for replacement. Skrinjar looked it over carefully and told them, "Maybe next time." Skrinjar explained: "See, these mechanics are always trying to sell us a new air filter even when we don't need one."

WE MARK THE 61st ANNIVERSARY OF THE DROPPING OF THE ATOMIC BOMBS

SUSPECT IN PHOENIX SERIAL SHOOTINGS BLAMES CONJOINED TWIN, SAYS HIS BROTHER MIGHT HAVE DONE CRIMES WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE

PHOENIX - Conjoined twins have been arrested for a string of serial shootings that has gripped the Phoenix area with fear for weeks. Last night, one of the twins denied any involvement or knowledge of the crimes but says his conjoined brother may have used his car and weapons to carry out the attacks without his knowledge.

"I am not a monster," said Lao S. Hausner in a jailhouse interview Monday with The Carbolic Smoke Ball. "I feel very sorry for the families of the people who were hurt, but I didn't do it."

Hausner, 33, said the other man arrested for the crimes — his conjoined twin bother Jackie Hausner, also 33 — might have taken his car and guns to commit the crimes. "I wouldn't put anything past him," he whispered. Lao explained in a stage whisper that even though he and his brother are "very tight," he can't let Jackie out of his sight "for fear he'll do something terrible."

But even if Jackie Hausner is adjudged to have acted alone, that may prove to be of little consolation to Lao. The state of Arizona would seek the electric chair for Jackie, which would have the unintended effect of frying Lao as well.

THIRTEEN SUICIDES ATTRIBUTED TO DEPRESSING BLOG ENTRY

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh police are attributing at least thirteen suicides, including that of Bradleys Roadhouse, 17, who posed for the above photograph before plunging himself into the Allegheny River, to a depressing blog entry posted yesterday at 2 political junkies. The entry vividly chronicled the dismal state of both local and national political affairs in what mental health specialists are characterizing as grim, anhedonic terms.

Dr. Noah Swayne of Western Psychiatric Institute explained that the blog entry "has gripped Western Pennsylvania in a sort-of mass hysteria" that is unique to the region. In fact, he said, "Pittsburgh hasn't felt such gloom since October 14, 1992, the day Sid Bream lumbered home from second ahead of a feeble and inaccurate Barry Bonds throw on Francisco Cabrera's single to left." Dr. Swayne theorized that "the Svengali-like editors of the blog [dayvoe and Maria], who call themselves 'Proud Members of the Reality-Based Community' and who pass themselves off as leftwingers, are in actuality the Jim Joneses of Pittsburgh."

Bloggers PittGirl and Ms. Monongahela are standing by to counsel those persons seriously considering taking their own lives due to the blog entry. Dr. Swayne urges the depressed who contact the two counselors to "be on guard and not say anything goofy, or they may end up having a story written about them."

CITY OVERSIGHT BOARD SAYS IT WON'T APPROVE COST OF MAYOR'S BEDPAN AND ENEMAS

PITTSURGH - Pittsburgh's oversight board today voted to disapprove UPMC's charges for Mayor Bob O'Connor's bedpan, laxatives and enemas, among many other items.

"We examine every cost very carefully," said Board member Sister Grace Ann Geibel, "and we've concluded that numerous costs associated with the Mayor's hospital stay simply are not essential. After all, the City should not be in the business of making charitable contributions to a thriving organization such as UPMC."

Among the other disallowed charges was a foot massage for Dick Skrinjar.

This is not the first time the Oversight Board has been involved in controversy. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported last February a story broken by this news service: The Oversight Board seized the Lombardi Trophy after the Steeler's Super Bowl win, claiming it is taxable revenue

Mayor O'Connor was said to be furious about the Board's latest decision. He was quoted as saying, "They won't even pay for my enemas? Well, you tell them I'm not going to take their crap."

Sister Grace replied, "And you tell him we're not going to pay for his."

CIA SAYS HAVING ISRAELI-BORN DEPUTY MAYOR TURNS PITTSBURGH INTO BULLSEYE FOR HEZBOLLAH

MAYOR'S AIDE DENNIS REGAN WANTS YARONE ZOBER TO CHANGE NAME TO "ZIVCO KOVALCHUK" FOR GOOD OF THE REGION

PITTSBURGH - The terror alert in Pittsburgh was elevated to "red" following yesterday's announcement that Israeli-born Yarone Zober became deputy mayor and is running the city during Mayor Bob O'Connor's disability.

Even usually Pollyannish Mayoral spokesperson Dick Skrinjar could not muster an optimistic spin. "Hezbollah's going to wipe us off the planet, totally destroy us, pulverize us into oblivion," Skrinjar grimly said. "We're doomed."

Mayoral aide Dennis Regan explained that Mayor O'Connor didn't realize Zober was even Jewish, much less that he was Israeli-born when the Mayor appointed him. "The Mayor just thought he had a neat name," said Regan. "As for me, I honestly thought the guy was Greek or something."

"I want to assure the people of Pittsburgh that if we had any idea this Jewish guy was going to threaten our very existence," Regan said, "we'd have hung onto those three traitors and kicked Yarone out on his can."

AND NOW, OUR EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE: CINDY SHEEHAN RESUMES VIGIL OUTSIDE BUSH RANCH

GREYHOUD DRIVER MISTAKES ANTI-WAR MOM AT BUSH RANCH AS "SOME WOMAN WAITING FOR THE BUS," SHUTTLES HER TO ST. LOUIS

CRAWFORD TEXAS - Cindy Sheehan, waiting for President Bush along a lonely road leading to the Bushes' Crawford Texas ranch to protest her son's death in Iraq, was accidentally picked up by a Greyhound bus before dawn this morning and taken to St. Louis.

Claud Palsgraf, the driver, didn't know who the tired lady was when he forced her aboard his bus while 600 sleepy but stunned supporters keeping a peace vigil with her stood by helplessly.

"See, she didn't want to get on at first," Palsgraf explained. "So I queried her, if you get my meaning. 'Exactly what are you waiting for?' Well, I thought she said she was waiting for the bus, so I hurried her on board. It turns out she said she was waiting for the Bush."

Upon her arrival in St. Louis, Mrs. Sheehan immediately asked an attendant, "Where do I go to get the Budweiser tour?"

When news reached Crawford that Mrs. Sheehan was touring the famous St. Louis beer plant, supporter Erin Fleming blamed White House operative Karl Rove for "dragging Cindy to some beer hall in order to discredit her." She whispered, "That's how the Republicans ruined Teddy at Chappaquiddick, you know."

Another supporter, Emil Tanaka, hoped that Mrs. Sheehan would get a shower while she's in St. Louis. "But don't quote me on that."

BUSH MEETS ANTI-WAR MOM, TAKES HER IN TENT AND "COMFORTS" HER; MR. SHEEHAN SEEKS DIVORCE

"I GOT WHAT I CAME FOR," SHE SAID

CRAWFORD, Texas - Cindy Sheehan, the anti-war mom whose vigil outside President Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch has drawn national attention, finally got to meet the man for whom she's been waiting. At 10:30 this morning, the Presidential limosine slowed as it approached a shocked Mrs. Sheehan and about 600 supporters at their makeshift protest camp. The President opened the door and briskly strode toward Mrs. Sheehan.

"Bring it on," the President shouted to her in a loud voice. He then led the nation's most famous anti-war protestor into a nearby tent. Secret service agents made certain no one else entered. A short time later, Mrs. Sheehan came running out to grab two of the vigil candles being held by peace protestors and scurried back into the tent with them. Ten and one-half minutes later, the two emerged; Mrs. Sheehan was applying lipstick, and President Bush was fixing his hair. A protestor took this photograph as the President bid Mrs. Sheehan farewell. Mrs. Sheehan then spoke privately with her fellow protestors and, according to one, said, "I got what I came for."

Before he sped off, Mr. Bush opened the window of the Presidential limosine and told reporters, "Mission accomplished!" He then leaned back in his chair and sighed, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

At noon today, Mrs. Sheehan's husband, Benjamin "Slats" Sheehan, filed for divorce.

CINDY SHEEHAN OPENS HOT DOG STAND NEAR BUSH RANCH

"I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE SOME MONEY WHILE I'M STANDING HERE," SHE SAYS

CRAWFORD, Texas - As the crowds of supporters, diehard Democrats, the curious and the news media continue to surge at Cindy Sheehan's makeshift campsite outside President Bush's Texas ranch, someone joked, "A hot dog stand would clean up here."

And that's where she got the idea. To make it happen, Mrs. Sheehan called Jimmy Carter yesterday morning and asked him to bring some of his "Habitat for Humanity" carpenters to construct a "first rate" hot dog stand. "Because," she told the former President, "it's for peace and all that."

The hot dog stand went up before nightfall. Carter even came up with the design. "My men and I have done many, many retail units in the image of giant frankfurters," the former President said. "And I'm proud of the job we did -- a hell of a lot better than that dreck we slap up for the poor people."

But a well-known liberal activist, wishing to remain anonymous, decried the design. "It is Ronald Reagan kitsh," she said. "Yet people accuse me of exercising poor judgment when I, as a movie star from a famous Hollywood family, posed with North Vietnamese soldiers!"

Mrs. Sheehan has shown herself to be a hands-on proprietor. "Our big sellers are footlongs and lemonade. And I'm adding a line of t-shirts for the kids that say, 'Bush is an ass _ _ _ _,'" Mrs. Sheehan explained.

LUKE RAVENSTAHL, 25, SAYS YARONE ZOBER, 31, IS "FATHER FIGURE" TO HIM

PITTSBURGH - The President of Pittsburgh City Council and successor to Mayor Bob O'Connor, Luke Ravenstahl, 25, said today that Yarone Zober, 31, the deputy mayor while O'Connor is temporarily disabled, has been a "father figure" to him. "Mr. Zober is the wisest elderly person in the world," said Ravenstahl, pictured here sharing a laugh with his mentor. "I can't tell you how many times, like, I've gone to him looking for, like, fatherly advice, or just to have him calm my youthful angst."

Ravenstahl says that "despite [Zober's] advanced years, he still acts young." For example, Ravenstahl and Zober go skateboarding together. "The first time I had him out with the board, I was like, 'Whoa, look at this old guy move!'" said Ravenstahl. "Even though Mr. Zober probably has arthritis and all sorts of problems associated with aging, he actually showed us young dudes a few tricks."

"I just enjoy, like, sitting with Mr. Zober and listening to him talk about the good old days, you know, about Pittsburgh back in bygone times," said Ravenstahl. "I told him we should, like, preserve his memories on tape or something, you know, for future generations. We should do it before he dies."

See related stories: Mayor Ravenstahl's remarks on being sworn in

Ravenstahl's Mom takes him shopping for new shoes so he'll be ready in case he becomes Mayor

Ravenstahl says he's mature enought to become Mayor

This is what happens when City Council makes decisions based on compromise and expediency: Luke Ravenstahl is Mayor

Ravenstahl wants diversity in selection of next Bishop of Pittsburgh: Wants non-Catholic, black woman

Embarrassing moment: On his tour of Oakland, Deputy Mayor Zober encounters three ousted officials in their new jobs

Skrinjar has meltdown, threatens reporters with bodily harm if they don't stop listening to Mayor's doctors

Appointment of callow unknown Zober designed to prepare City for Luke Ravenstahl

Getting by St. Peter was the easy part, now Mayor O'Connor needs to sell the Oversight Board to get into heaven

Alexander Haig claims he's in charge of Pittsburgh Mayor's office

ISRAEL LOBS MISSILES AT HEZBOLLAH AND MEL GIBSON'S BEVERLY HOUSE MANSION

BEVERLY HILLS - Israel launched a new round of missile strikes on suspected Hezbollah positions deep inside Lebanon this morning, but Israeli military officials say that its fiercest airstrikes were reserved for the Beverly Hills home of actor Mel Gibson, which was reduced to rubble in the pre-dawn hours today by direct Israeli missile hits. Gibson was not home at the time.

Israel's attack on Gibson's home was prompted by the actor's anti-Semitic outburst to Los Angeles police officers last week at the time of his arrest for drunk driving. Following Gibson's remarks, Beverly Hills has been besieged by Israeli airstrikes on a daily basis, and the frightening sound of air raid sirens has become all-too familiar in this posh southern California enclave.

During this morning's attack, Gibson reportedly was holed up in the fortified basement of his neighbor, actor Werner Klemperer who portrayed nutty Nazi Colonel Klink on the hit television series Hogan's Heroes. Gibson allegedly was wearing an armband bearing a swastika. As the missiles struck nearby in defeaning bursts of destruction, Gibson reportedly raised a clenched fist defiantly in the air while shouting, "Death to Israel! Death to Israel!"

UNELECTED DEPUTY MAYOR YARONE ZOBER TAKES COMMAND OF CITY

APPOINTMENT OF CALLOW UNKNOWN DESIGNED TO PREPARE CITY FOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL

O'CONNOR'S ONLY COMMENT TO NEW DEPUTY: "YOU'RE ON YARONE, KID!"

DICK SKRINJAR: MAYOR'S SURGERY TO REDUCE FLUID ON BRAIN "VERY MINOR PROCEDURE"

"FLUID OCCURRED BECAUSE MAYOR GOT SOME WATER IN HIS EARS WHILE SHOWERING LAST NIGHT."

STEELER BARRETT BROOKS EXPLAINS WHY HE FLED ON MOTORCYLE WHEN POLICE CAR APPROACHED HIM . . .

"I SAW A CAR COMING AT ME, AND I SWEAR IT WAS BEING DRIVEN BY MARTHA FLEISHMAN, SO NATURALLY I GOT AWAY AS FAST AS I COULD."

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Steelers offensive lineman Barrett Brooks was arrested early this morning after fleeing from police on his motorcycle. At 2:28 a.m., Brooks illegally passed a police car on the right, prompting Pittsburgh police officer Vic Cianca to activate the car's lights and siren. According to police, Brooks, who was not wearing a helmet, sped off on his motorcycle, running two stop signs.

Brooks was nabbed five blocks away, but claims he had no intention of fleeing from the police.

"You have to understand," Brooks told this news source, "there I was, riding [a motorcycle] without a helmet. Then I see this big car coming toward me, so I looked to see who was driving. I swear to you, it was Martha Fleishman! So naturally, I sped away as fast as I could."

Fleishman is the Squirrel Hill motorist whose car struck Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in June while he, too, was riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Legal experts anticipate that Brooks will utilize the "Fleishman Defense" in his trial on charges of fleeing from police.

FLOYD LANDIS' CAR BANNED FROM FRANCE BECAUSE ITS TESTOSTERONE LEVEL IS TOO HIGH

Correction! And an apology!

We posted a story earlier today on measures taken following a cheerleader's unfortunate fall, and the fact that certain dangerous cheerleading routines, including pyramids, are being temporarily banned by the NCAA. This morning, I received a call from well-known attorney Bob Haas to advise that instead of posting a picture of a cheerleaders' pyramid routine, our staff accidentally posted a picture of the torture pyramid from the Abu Ghraib prison. I was personally offended by this mistake, and I immediately made sure it was corrected.

Thank you, Mr. Haas, for calling this to our attention.

Hon. Rufus Peckham

CHEERLEADER'S INJURY PROMPTS BAN OF ALL DANGEROUS ROUTINES AT NCAA GAMES, INCLUDING PYRAMIDS

ST. LOUIS - The NCAA has temporarily banned all cheerleading stunts that pose any appreciable risk of serious injury, including the University of Missouri's spectacular pyramid routine, pictured here. The ban was implemented as a precaution after a Southern Illinois cheerleader plunged 15 feet and landed on her head during a men's championship basketball game earlier this year.

FIDEL'S GRAVE TO BE MARKED BY "ETERNAL CIGAR"

CIA WARNS MIAMI: FIDEL CASTRO FAKING FATAL ILLNESS TO LURE EXILES BACK TO CUBA

ONCE THEY REACH HAVANA, THEY'LL BE SHOT ON SIGHT WHILE HEALTHY FIDEL WATCHES WITH GLEE FROM SIDELINES

MIAMI - The CIA has uncovered startling evidence that Fidel Castro is faking a supposedly serious illness in order to lure Cuban exiles living in Miami back to Havana. The exiles are convinced that Fidel is in his final days, and they want to be home when he dies.

But the joke's on them. According to the CIA, once they step foot in Havana, they will be shot on sight by the Cuban army, while a laughing -- and healthy -- Fidel watches from the sidelines.

"It's one of the most diabolical plots in history," said Robertos Roadhouse, the CIA's Latin American Bureau Chief, pictured above, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Fully half of Miami is contemplating heading to Havana because they think Fidel is dying, but they're in for the surprise of their lives when they get there."

"The one good thing is that Fidel will only get away with this trick one time," said Roadhouse. "After he slaughters the first wave of returning exiles, the rest probably will realize it's best to keep away."

THIRD MIRACLE ATTRIBUTED TO MADALYN MURRAY O'HAIR PUTS HER ON PATH TO SAINTHOOD, BUT LATE ATHEIST'S FAMILY CRIES "FOUL"

"SHE WOULD RECOIL IF SHE KNEW WHAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS UP TO," SAYS DAUGHTER; ARCHBISHOP WUERL REPLIES, "SHE DOES KNOW"

BEECHVIEW, Pa. - Life Magazine once referred to late atheist-activist Madalyn Murray O'Hair as the most hated woman in America. Indeed, her own son called her an "evil" person. Yet more than ten years after her death under mysterious circumcstances, three miracles have been attributed to her by the Catholic Church, putting her on the possible path toward sainthood. Two women have been cured of cancer and a man was cured of a stroke after touching O'Hair's dress.

"This vessel of hatred and unbelief is being used by a higher power to show the world that any of us can be used to serve His ends," said Washington, D.C. Archbishop Donald Wuerl. "He is making a mockery of her lack of faith."

But O'Hair's daughter Robin is crying foul. "My mother wouldn't like what is going on," she said. "Not one bit. I want the church to keep those sick people away from my mother's clothes. And I hope they all die, too. I hope they all die!"

SCHWARZENEGGER CURRIES FAVOR WITH IMMIGRANTS, BUT STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH BLACK VOTERS

EDITORIAL: TOUR DE FRANCE CHAMP LANDIS TESTS "TOO HIGH" FOR TESTOSTERONE, PENALIZED FOR BEING TOO MUCH OF A MAN

BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - Tour de France champ Floyd Landis tested "positive" for high levels of testosterone during the race, and if the results are confirmed, he'll be fired from the team and probably go back to delivering packages on his bicycle in New York's Little Italy (actually, I have no idea what he did before the race -- I'd never heard of him).

The lesson in all this? It's bad to be too much of a man nowadays.

Mind you, this is nothing new. The feminization of the American male has been in full swing since the '60's, when men were first instructed they needed to acquire greater sensitivity.

Later they were told their chests needed to be shaved, and the shaving didn't stop at that but included everything in sight, and out of sight.

Then they started piercing their ears like girls, and they convinced themselves this was masculine. Then they started to adorn necklaces that only black and Italian men would dare wear in the old days. Pretty soon, they started to smell nicer than the women, and they began to frequent beauty salons where there is scarcely a dirty magazine in sight.

You see, we've brainwashed our young men into thinking it's good to act like a girl. Too much testosterone -- being too much of a man -- is bad. Policitically correct scientists have bought into this, claiming that high levels of testosterone blight social skills.

When was the last time you heard of an athlete being disqualified from a sporting event because he or she had taken estrogen? If someone ever did that, I guarantee you it would be deemed a good thing. But if you take too much testosterone, even though you enhance your performance, you're disqualified. You may even go to jail like a criminal.

Well, let me set the record straight once and for all. What Floyd Landis did, what Barry Bonds did, what most of the other self-respecting athletes do, is good. Being a man is a good thing. Being more of a man by taking testosterone is an even better thing.

And anybody who wants to take me on about that, I am prepared to give you a new adam's apple on the forehead.