August: PORTER CREDITS OFF-SEASON WORKOUTS WITH DON RICKLES FOR IMPROVING QUALITY, CRUELTY, OF ON-FIELD TRASH-TALKING
LATROBE, Pa - After a morning practice in which trash-talking linebacker Joey Porter delivered a non-stop barrage of insults ridiculing women, homosexuals, Mexicans, Asians, Republicans, Christians, African-Americans, Arabs, the Irish and Jews, Coach Bill Cowher pronounced himself “satisfied that Joey is rounding into mid-season form.” Cowher also noted that Porter seemed to be breaking in some new material. “It wasn’t just the same old sexual boasts and imprecations concerning the nocturnal habits of his teammates’ sisters, aunts, mothers and grandmothers. Joey just hit every ethnic group imaginable. And he hit them hard. I was in stitches.” When asked by reporters afterward about his fresh new approach to belittling opponents, Porter was quick to give credit to his off-season tutor. “I spent a lot of time this winter working out with Don Rickles. We probably spent four to six hours a day insulting people, mining every racial and ethnic stereotype available in an attempt to master the art of verbal assault.”
Porter said he began to notice something was lacking in his performance last year during the first Cincinnati game. “I was calling Chad Johnson every thing I could think of, and he just shrugged. He told me he’d heard it all before, and that my material was so lame I wouldn’t last two minutes at an Open Mike Night. That’s when I knew I had to get help.” Porter said he instructed his agent to hire Rickles, the so-called “Merchant of Venom,” as his personal insult trainer immediately after he returned from the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Porter also said he’s looking forward to the season opener against Miami. “Don gave me a lot of good stuff to use against the Dolphins. Especially when he found out they have a black quarterback.” He also said that while he hoped the Steelers would be able to get back to the Super Bowl, he was focusing on a much more important goal. “At this stage in my career, I just want to get into the Friars Club.”
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August: Fifteen more "killers" come forward, confess to murder of JonBenet Ramsey
ALL STAND AT ONE TIME AND CLAIM: "I AM JOHN MARK KARR"
August: MAYOR'S DOCTORS STOP GIVING UPDATES ON HIS CONDITION, TASK FALLS TO DICK SKRINJAR
"YOU SAY THE MAYOR'S SICK? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?"
May: STATE DEPARTMENT RELEASES LIST OF HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE, WORLD OUTRAGED AT OBJECTIFICATION OF MALE LEADERS
WASHINGTON - A list compiled and released today by State Department personnel listing the “Top Twenty-Five Hottest Heads of State,” grading their breasts, pecs, buttocks, "pelvic regions and bulges," and faces, and using scatological and pornographic language to describe the proficiency of various world leaders at a variety of sexual acts has caused a furor in diplomatic circles.
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, speaking to reporters said the list was just “foreign service officers being foreign service officers.” She explained: “Let’s not kid ourselves. This is how government employees talk,” said Rice.
Attorney Jim Ecker, who is representing Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf, (Number Fourteen) couldn’t disagree more. “Secretary Rice’s remarks are a sad, demoralizing comment about global leaders. Each one of these heads of state has suffered a personal sexual assault by way of this list.” Mr. Ecker said his client, President Musharraf, had spent the entire morning on the phone comforting many colleagues whose names also appeared on the list. “From what I understand, that swarthy Latin sensation, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, (Number Two) is just beside himself about losing the top spot to President Bush,” said Ecker. "And rightly so, because he's really hot."
The State Department has compiled a “hottest heads of state” list since the administration of James Monroe. A little known codicil of the Monroe Doctrine insists that European powers stay out of the Western Hemisphere unless “they can go at it like a wildcat in the sack.” The State Department, in association with the E Channel, is producing a two hour television special on the list, to be hosted by Secretary Rice, scheduled to air later this year. Bill Clinton is scheduled to make a guest appearance.
May: OAKLAND RAIDERS SELECT AL ZARQAWI WITH SEVENTH PICK OF NFL DRAFT
OAKLAND - Al Davis, controversial owner of the Oakland Raiders, has once again created a firestorm around the league by selecting Jordanian terrorist Abu al Zarqawi with the seventh pick of the National Football League Draft. “This guy puts the criminal in 'criminal element,' said a smiling Davis. Zarqawi is the second international terrorist to be drafted by the Raiders, and the first since Carlos the Jackal played free safety for Oakland during the mid-seventies. “He is capable of delivering a lot of punishment, and he’s got an elusiveness that makes him hard to bring down in the open field,” said Davis. “He’s got all the weapons necessary to make an immediate impact. I’m just grateful he’s on our team.”
Zarqawi, who did not make himself available to NFL Scouts at the Indianapolis Combine, a showcase for individuals with aspirations to play professional football, released a videotape broadcast on the Aljazeera Network this morning saying he was “delighted to be a part of the Silver and Black” and vowing to do “everything in his power, praise God, to destroy all teams that stand in the way” of a Raider championship. Zarqawi, who has retained the services of super-agent Drew Rosenhaus, said he was looking forward to attending Raider mini-camp at the end of the month, and that he expected to be fully recovered from the leg wound he sustained during a rocket attack launched by U.S. led coalition forces in Iraq in time for the opening of training camp in July.
May: 6,000 U.S. troops employ "Hands Across America" approach to secure U.S.-Mexico border
NATIONAL GUARD TAUNTS MEXICANS: "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND VINCENTE ON OVER"
MAY: FDA APPROVES GENERIC VERSIONS OF GENERIC DRUGS
FDA: "THESE DRUGS ARE SO GENERIC, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE LABELS"WASHINGTON - After years of debate and intense lobbying efforts to prevent it, the Food and Drug Administration today ruled that generic versions of generic drugs will be legal in the United States by Labor Day.
The so-called generic-generics will be so generic that they have will neither have labels on the outside nor cotton inside. In addition, to appease the large drug manufacturers that for years fought against their legalization, the "generic-generics" will contain an ingredient to induce nausea in order to make them less palatable to consumers.
Maurice Walgreen, President of the Walgreen Pharmacy chain, says his stores will carry the drugs but that he has "nothing but disdain" for them. "Tell me," Walgreen asked rhetorically, "what self-respecting sick person would take this crap?" Walgreen said he is instructing his pharmacists not even to say "thank you" when filling prescriptions for generic-generics. "In fact," Walgren added, "I told them, don't even look at the cheapos who ask for this [stuff]. Just take their money and toss the damn bottle at them."
May: Breaking news
DONALD WUERL TRADED TO WASHINGTON FOR BISHOP TO BE NAMED LATER
Veteran prelate finally gets chance to pitch in big market diocese
Veteran prelate finally gets chance to pitch in big market diocese
May: PRESIDENT BUSH SAYS LA CUCARACHA SHOULD BE SUNG IN ENGLISH
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last week, President Bush ignited a firestorm of controversy when he spoke out against a Spanish version of "The Star Spangled Banner" dubbed "Our Anthem." The President declared that "people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English."In a press conference today, the President upped the ante in the debate when he boldly stated that the beloved Mexican folk song La Cucaracha also "ought to be sung in English." Upon making this pronouncement, the lights in the East Room dimmed and a lone spotlight illuminated the President. The President then softly sang an English translation of the familiar song:
"The cockroach, the cockroach
Now he can't go traveling
Because he doesn't have, because he lacks
Marijuana to smoke."
When he finished, Mr. Bush was barraged with angry questions from reporters. Some openly accused him of promoting racism.
"You've got it all wrong," the President explained. "Look, so long as they sing it in English, I don't even care if they have a heavy Mexican accent. In fact, the accent would lend it some authentic, third-world charm."
The President then spoke directly to Mexicans who are considering crossing the border illegally: "I want you to memorize these words from that great song I just sang: 'The cockroach, the cockroach, Now he can't go traveling.' What those words mean is, don't come traveling here, amigo. There ain't no marijuana here. ¿Comprende?"
June: "BIG BEN" SHOCKER: STEELER QB DIED AT SCENE OF ACCIDENT, BETTIS LAID HANDS ON AND RESUSCITATED HIM
ROETHLISBERGER HEALING WAS THIRD MIRACLE NECESSARY TO ELEVATE BELOVED EX-STEELER JEROME BETTIS TO SAINTHOOD
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican confirmed this morning that Jerome Bettis' healing of an apparently-deceased Ben Roethlisberger following the Steeler quarterback's motorcycle accident last Monday was the third miracle necessary to elevate "The Bus" to Sainthood.
Steeler officials revealed today that Roethlisberger was pronounced dead at the scene of his accident at the intersection of Second Avenue and the 10th Street Bridge at 11:30 a.m. last Monday. Police closed the intersection and cleared away all extraneous personnel. Steelers owner Dan Rooney was immediately informed, and he placed an urgent call to Jerome "the Bus" Bettis who was in town filming a Campbell's Soup commercial. Mr. Rooney asked Bettis to hurry to the the accident scene. Bettis recounted that call: "Mr. Rooney said, 'Bus' I need you to push one into the end zone one last time -- this is the big one.'"
Bettis promptly drove to the accident scene with his parents in the car. Police initially tried to turn Bettis away but traffic officer Noah Swayne described what happened: "I knew 'the Bus' wasn't supposed to be there, but there was this light shining around his head -- I've seen some weird things in my years on the beat but this was -- Whoa! So I said, 'Come on through, 'Bus.'"
Several of Roethlisberger's friends were weeping next to his lifeless body. Bettis calmly walked up to the crowd just as a sheet had been placed over the young quarterback. The "Bus" asked everyone to stand back, and then he laid his hands on Big Ben's head. Roethlisberger immediately opened his eyes and sat up, to the shock of his friends and the emergency personnel at the scene. Weeping turned to tears of joy. Bettis slowly stood up and calmly dialed Mr. Rooney's number. "Mr. Rooney," Bettis said, "mission accomplished."
This morning at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI presided over the canonization ceremony for the former running back. The Pope, reading from an apostolic letter, told worshipers at St. Peter's Basilica: "In the fullness of time, Jerome Bettis will take his place with other football immortals enshrined at the Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, in the United States. Today, we acknowledge that 'the Bus' is to be enshrined in the celestial firmament, acting as our intercessor and model, joining the immortals in the Communion of Saints." His Holiness then removed a terrible towel from under his vestments, and waved it to the delirious crowd that seemed to be at least 75% Pittsburghers, many of whom tailgated all night outside Saint Peter's in rented vans. The Pope cited the Steeler's playoff victory over the Bengals, their Super Bowl win, and the resuscitation of Roethlisberger as the three objectively verifiable miracles attributable to Bettis necessary to declare him a Saint. The Pope explained that a team of canon lawyers, theologians and priests had reviewed game films provided by the NFL, along with video tapes from "The Jerome Bettis Show" provided by Giant Eagle to gather necessary evidence verifying that Bettis has been responsible for three miracles.
Bettis' father sat in the front row in a state of shock. "How'd this happen?" he asked. "We're not even Catholic." NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, seated next to him, said that Bettis' canonization "will go a long way" toward insuring that Bettis gains admission to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton.
June: "MISSION CONTROL" OUTSOURCED TO INDIA
HOUSTON - On the last space shuttle mission, the astronauts whispered among themselves that they didn't recognize any of the once-familiar voices from Mission Control. "Everybody was new," said Commander Noah Swayne. "And they all had accents," he looked around furtively and whispered, "like they weren't from around here. Frankly I got the sense they were reading from a script when I asked them for help about something."The mystery has been solved. NASA admitted today that Mission Control was outsourced to India in the spring of 2005 in a move designed to save more than $800 million annually.
In an interview conducted in the the four-tier auditorium that formerly housed Mission Control at the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center, NASA director Bradleys Roadhouse justified the outsourcing decision. The auditorium is now the storage room for the Space Center's flourecent light bulbs and cleaning products.
"Exactly what is Mission Control anyway?" Roadhouse asked rhetorically. "It's a help desk. And anyone who owns a Dell Computer, or countless other products, knows that the help desk people in India do a crackerjack job."
But Commander Swayne wonders if the space program hasn't lost something. "All I can tell you is that [on the last flight] we had a problem where the space craft starting spinning out of control, so I asked Mission Control what to do. Somebody who said his name was 'James,' who by the way I could barely understand, told me to turn off the engine for fifteen seconds and then restart it. Well, I knew I shouldn't have listened to him, but I shut down and sure enough we started hurling toward earth. Fortunately, I was able to fix it myself. A couple of days later, I had a temperature problem so I called down and spoke to someone who said her name was 'Alison.' And, damn, wouldn't you know it, she gave me the exact same useless advice."
The move to India is part of a wider government effort to save labor costs by shifting as much overseas as possible. The Office of Management and Budget is currently conducting a study to calculate possible savings by outsourcing Congress to New Delhi.
June: LEGO CLOSES U.S. PLANT BECAUSE PLASTIC FLOORS CAN'T SUPPORT WEIGHT OF EMPLOYEES
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - Toymaker Lego Group announced it is closing its U.S. plant in Enfield, Connecicut, constructed of the same material as the company's famous building block toy, because it is unsafe, according to company President Oslo Jarvis."The damn thing was never right," Jarvis said. "Sure, the pieces fit together nicely, snapping into place just fine. And, yes, they are colorful and shiny and all that. But when our employees ventured any higher than ground level, the damn floors began to buckle and, eventually, they collapsed, injuring one yellow and green plastic worker."
The Lego Group is looking at the possibility of moving its U.S. plant to the former Lincoln Logs Building or the Tinkertoy Tower, depending on the structural integrity of Lincoln Logs and TinkerToy.
June: Disney consoles family of boy who died after riding Rock 'n' Roller Coaster: "He got a FASTPASS™ into heaven"
TRAGEDY GIVES FLEDGLING RIDE MUCH-NEEDED CACHET; DISNEY PLANS TO FEATURE BOY'S SPIRIT IN ITS "HAUNTED MANSION" ATTRACTIONORLANDO - Ecumenical spiritual counselors at the Walt Disney World Resort near Orlando tackled the grim task of consoling the family of Noah Swayne, the 12-year old boy who died today after he rode Rock 'n Roller Coaster at the Disney MGM theme park. Rev. Bradleys Roadhouse went to great lengths to assure the family that the boy "got a FASTPASS™ right into heaven," allowing him "to bypass the long lines of pilgrims who have also gone to that final ride in the sky."
Rev. Roadhouse later told reporters that the tragedy had the perverse effect of boosting Rock 'n Roller Coaster's ridership 80% today. "One hates to speak of human misfortune in these terms," said Rev. Roadhouse, "but the boy's death has given this fledgling attraction much-needed cachet. That, of course, simply goes to prove that there is always a silver lining amidst even tragic events."
According to Rev. Roadhouse, Disney is planning to incorporate the tragedy into its popular Haunted Mansion attraction. "We're working with mediums to coax the boy's spirit into playing a major role in that attraction, as we have done with other persons who've succumbed to our rides," he said. "But until the negotiations are concluded, that's all I can say about that."
June: ENZO THE BAKER, MICHAEL CORLEONE THWART ATTEMPT TO KILL BEN ROETHLISBERGER
PITTSBURGH - When Enzo the Baker came to pay his respects to the injured Ben Roethlisberger at Mercy Hospital last night, he found a highly agitated Michael Corleone frantically attempting to move the bed-ridden football hero to a secure location. “I was walking down the hall, carrying some flowers and a bag of sweets for Mr. Roethlisberger when Michael asked for my help,” said Enzo. “He said some men are on their way to kill our quarterback. He then urged me to work with him to quickly place Big Ben in a room where he would be safe from any would-be assassins.”
Enzo said that, according to Corleone, Roethlisberger was supposed to be under constant police guard, but a crooked police captain named McCloskey, working hand in glove with the party – or parties - responsible for the attempt on Mr. Roethlisberger’s life had sent them all home for the evening, leaving the fallen signal-caller unprotected. Pittsburgh Police Chief Dom Costa said he planned to speak to Captain McCloskey about the allegations made by Enzo the Baker later today.
When Enzo and Michael were satisfied Roethlisberger was out of harm's way, they left the building and, according to Enzo, affected a menacing posture on the front steps of the hospital to create a false impression that the beloved leader of the Super Bowl champions was impossible to reach. The reluctant, but heroic baker reported that a long black sedan was seen driving slowly past the hospital. “I definitely saw Oakland Raiders President Al Davis sitting in the back seat,” said Enzo. He later admitted that he was scared. “I was so nervous I couldn’t even light my cigarette. But Michael, in an obvious bit of foreshadowing, did it for me on the first try.” It is believed that Enzo’s unplanned yet gallant act satisfies the unspecified debt that he owed to Mr. Roethlisberger.
GIANT EAGLE BUTCHER NOAH SWAYNE'S LONG-AWAITED STATEMENT ON PRESIDENT GERALD FORD'S PASSING
It is with a heavy heart that I speak today on the passing of former President Gerald Ford. I didn't know him, but President Ford made me proud to be an American. I am one of the many Americans who wore a "WIN" button ("whip inflation now") at President Ford's suggestion. The mere fact that the WIN button didn't do anything to stop inflation, which was rampant during the Ford administration, or that it was an inane idea to begin with, is beside the point. And although I chortled at Mr. Ford when he made the asinine comment during the Carter-Ford debate that there is no Soviet domination in Eastern Europe, I stopped laughing after dour Mr. Jimmy Carter forced me to lower my thermostat and put on a sweater and had the audacity to tell me that I was what's wrong with America (we sent that self-righteous peanut farmer back to Plains after the 1980 election).I speak for all Americans, not to mention all butchers, in extending my deepest condolences to Mrs. Betty Ford, who was so outspoken for so many years but from whom nobody's heard anything in so long.
Noah Swayne, Butcher
MARCH
JIMMY HOFFA FOUND IN MCKEESPORT CONVENIENCE STORE, CLAIMS HE WAS HELD HOSTAGE BY SCHOOL SECURITY GUARDPITTSBURGH - Former Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa, who has been missing since July 30, 1975, was found in a McKeesport convenience store this morning, the apparent victim of a kidnapping by a middle school security guard. Law enforcement officials remanded Mr. Hoffa to the custody of AFL-CIO President John Sweeney, who pronounced himself “ecstatic” that “we’ve got our Jimmy back.” Speaking to reporters from his suite at the Westin William Penn, Mr. Sweeney said that Mr. Hoffa told Joseph Sparico of JJ’s Deli Mart that he had been held captive by former Cornell Middle School security guard Thomas Hose. This morning, however, he decided “after thirty years in the laundry room, it’s time to go home.”
Hoffa claimed he was brainwashed by Mr. Hose, a svengali-like figure who lives with his elderly parents. “Every time I said I thought I should be getting back to the office, he told me I was crazy. He told me they weren’t even looking for me anymore, and that nobody loved me except him. And former President Nixon, of course,” said Hoffa, before bursting into tears and excusing himself. Mr. Hose is suspected of keeping twenty-four year old Tanya Kach in an upstairs bedroom for the past ten years, but Mr. Hoffa told Mr. Sweeney he never saw her. “He said he had his own problems. Many times when Mr. Hose’s mother did the wash, he had to stand still for hours while she hung her unmentionables on his arms to dry.” Mr. Sweeney said that hearing Mr. Hose’s name or being reminded of his three decades as a psychological prisoner in the Hose house can trigger mood swings in Mr. Hoffa. “One minute he’s plotting to return to power, the next minute he’s sobbing uncontrollably.”Police refuse to confirm reports that they have uncovered evidence showing that famed aviator Amelia Earhart also was a prisoner in the Hose home for a time before her death several years ago.
MARCH
WASHINGTON - After months of extensive examination, the CIA has confirmed that the voice on a privately owned cassette tape recorded during an “Open Mike” segment at a Hamburg comedy club several months before September 11, 2001 is the voice of Mohamed Atta, the hijacker who flew American Airlines Flight 11 into the World Trade Center.
A report submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee this morning theorizes that the poor reception by the Hamburg audience to Atta’s material may have motivated him to forsake a career in show business and become a mass murderer. The audio tape, which has circulated on various Islamic websites for nearly six months, was made at “Der Laff Haus,” a popular Hamburg nightspot frequented by many aspiring comics looking to establish a career in the lucrative field of Germanic comedy.
“Atta delivers his material in a slow, Stephen Wright-ish kind of voice,” said Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois), who has examined the tape. “I would say he was trying to develop an act based on an 'observational style,' pointing out the everyday trials and aggravations that beset us all. He talked about going to the dry cleaners but forgetting his ticket. Or standing at a supermarket checkout express line behind someone who has exceeded the limit on items that can be scanned. But I thought it was telling that every joke ended with the same punch line: 'That makes me want to kill somebody.'"
Senator Durbin explained that "after a while, the audience just got sick of him, and they started to heckle.” Durbin said Atta’s attempt to steal Jeff Foxworthy’s schtick was a miserable failure. “He started with 'If you can see yourself in paradise with seven virgins, you might be an Islamic extremist!' and it just got worse. They booed him off the stage.” Audio samples of the tape, along with commentary from comedians Freddy Roman and Jack Carter, will be posted on the CIA website later today.
MARCH
LOCAL MAN INCENSED THAT THE VERNAL EQUINOX ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BEPITTSBURGH - Carlo Sambonia is livid that the first week of spring felt more like December, with high temperatures barely reaching 40. The popular 33-year old outdoorsman, adventurer and local bon vivant is spearheading a petition drive to express his "extreme and palpable" displeasure. His goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures.
"I just think it's important for someone to speak out on this," he said. Sambonia is especially concerned that the younger generation is not properly educated about what spring used to be. "I tell every young person I come across, 'You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!'" Sambonia explained. "Back then, springtime would come roaring in as if somebody turned on a light switch, and it hit us like a wall of bliss." Sambonia said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low '60's.
MARCH
OLD WOMAN WHO ROBBED WEST MIFFLIN BANK IS IDENTIFIED AS CAR DEALER KENNY ROSS' AUNT PENNY PITTSBURGH - The seventy-five year old woman who is accused of robbing the National City Bank in West Mifflin yesterday, before leading police on a low-speed chase in the left lane of Agnew Road with her left-turn signal blinking all the while, has been identified as Penny Ross, long-time pitchwoman for her nephew Kenny Ross' car dealership.
Police apprehended the suspect when she abandoned her vehicle in front of the Old Country Buffet. Authorities theorize she was trying to get in line before the expiration of the lunch-time senior citizen discount. The elder Ross was released to the custody of her nephew in exchange for a new Chevy Malibu. “My Aunt Penny has been slipping lately,” said Mr. Ross. “But never in my wildest dreams did I think she would do something like this.”
Mr. Ross said that his aunt formerly regaled the Ross family with tales about her exploits as a member of the Barrow gang “back in the good old depression days,” but, he said, "we always thought it was just typical, crazy old-people talk. I guess the joke was on us.” Kenny Ross denied reports that he is already looking for a new spokesperson, but he was seen dining with former Mayor Sophie Masloff in the cafeteria of the County Jail before posting bail for his Aunt.
Attorney Jim Ecker, who is representing Aunt Penny, said the charges against her were “preposterous.” Despite being confronted with eyewitness accounts corroborated by no fewer than ten people, a video tape showing Aunt Penny pointing a gun at the bank teller, a large bag of money found in the front seat of the getaway car containing the exact amount of money missing from the National City Bank, and a signed confession from his client, Mr. Ecker remained unflappable. “My client is innocent of all charges,” he said, adding that “we look forward to getting a good deal in Court, not unlike the good deal you’ll get from my client’s nephew at Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet.” Mr. Ecker predicted his client will be completely exonerated and “back on the street making her legendary elderberry preserves in no time."
MARCH
TELEVANGELIST PAT ROBERTSON CALLS FOR HIS OWN ASSASSINATION BY U.S.COVERT FORCESVIRGINIA BEACH, Va - Hours after televangelist Pat Robertson retracted his call for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's assassination, he told the viewers of his television program "The 700 Club" that for the good of America, he, Robertson, should be assassinated by U.S. covert forces.
"We have the ability to take me out," he said. "And I think the time has come to do that. How many more ridiculous things must I say before this becomes obvious to even my most ardent followers? Like when I suggested that the State Department be blown up by a nuclear device. Or that that feminism encourages women to kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. Or that the Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves." Robertson conceded that he could shut himself up by simply canceling his television program, but he ruled that out because "the ratings are just too strong."
APRIL
OIL COMPANIES BLAME GAS PRICE SPIKE ON KATRINA, INCREASED DEMAND IN CHINA, AND FACT THAT ROBERT BLAKE IS ON THE LOOSENEW YORK - The price of gas continues to rise across most of America and most oil industry insiders continue to blame the record prices on a variety of factors, including the disruptions caused by Hurricane Katrina and the increased demand for gas in China and India.
But heightened public scrutiny and charges of price gouging have caused some industry insiders to spread the blame wherever they can. Last week before a Congressional subcommittee on price gouging, ExxonMobil's Chief Financial Officer, "Curly" Joe DeRita, cast blame on an unlikely source: "Having [actor] Robert Blake on the loose doesn't help [the price of gas], I'll tell you that."
Following DeRita's testimony, the effort to blame Robert Blake for record gas prices has gained momentum throughout the oil industry. "If you want someone to blame," echoed Jules Sunoco, President of the Sun Oil Company, "it's definitely Robert Blake. Absolutely." Asked to explain, Sunoco would only say this: "It just makes the market jittery knowing there's someone like that out there, trust me."
Robert Blake did not immediately return calls.
APRIL
JOHN SHUMWAY TO UNDERGO ON-AIR SEX CHANGE DURING MAY SWEEPS PERIOD
PITTSBURGH - KDKA television reporter and radio morning co-host John Shumway will undergo an on-air sex change operation during the crucial May sweeps period. Shumway is the first local television personality to have a sex-change since Dr. Renee Richards underwent a similar procedure at Divine Providence Hospital in 1968 and emerged as long-time anchorman Ray Tannehill. KDKA News Director John Verrilli announced the news at a press conference this morning at Gateway Center.
“Ever since John underwent on-air liposuction years ago," Verilli said, "viewers have called and written asking us to broadcast additional medical procedures, and surprisingly, the most frequent request we receive is for John to have the sex change. With the upcoming sweeps so important to set advertising rates for the next quarter, now just seemed to be the perfect time."
Shumway, who joined Verilli at the press conference, said he was looking forward to starting a new life as a woman. He even took some good-natured ribbing from his boss about the weight he regained after his liposuction. “I hope you know what you’re doing, John,” said Verilli. “Just because your gut came back doesn’t mean your [gonads] will.”
PITTSBURGH - KDKA television reporter and radio morning co-host John Shumway will undergo an on-air sex change operation during the crucial May sweeps period. Shumway is the first local television personality to have a sex-change since Dr. Renee Richards underwent a similar procedure at Divine Providence Hospital in 1968 and emerged as long-time anchorman Ray Tannehill. KDKA News Director John Verrilli announced the news at a press conference this morning at Gateway Center. “Ever since John underwent on-air liposuction years ago," Verilli said, "viewers have called and written asking us to broadcast additional medical procedures, and surprisingly, the most frequent request we receive is for John to have the sex change. With the upcoming sweeps so important to set advertising rates for the next quarter, now just seemed to be the perfect time."
Shumway, who joined Verilli at the press conference, said he was looking forward to starting a new life as a woman. He even took some good-natured ribbing from his boss about the weight he regained after his liposuction. “I hope you know what you’re doing, John,” said Verilli. “Just because your gut came back doesn’t mean your [gonads] will.”
APRIL
TANKER LOADED WITH OIL, PESTICIDE, INSECTICIDE, NUCLEAR WASTE RAMS RACHEL CARSON BRIDGE, SINKSPITTSBURGH - A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge this morning. “The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes.
There are reports the captain of the vessel was traveling at a high rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns. Phone calls to the Chem-Lawn Warehouse were not returned.
The incident occurred only a week after the Ninth Street Bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the local woman whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Two” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues. The renaming was consistent with Western Pennsylvania's official policy of only renaming structures for Pittsburghers who fled the city prior to or upon achieving fame.
Allegheny County River Force Chairman John Craig said the effects of the spill on fish and plant life along the river would be “devastating.” “Even worse,” Craig added, “We now have to be concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms, you know what I mean.”
In an effort to calm a jittery public, Mayor O’Connor has asked Police Chief Dom Costa to institute riverfront police patrols in an effort to thwart potential riverfront assaults on citizens from any homicidal Monster-Fish that may emerge from the water. Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.
APRIL
BUSH APOLOGIZES PROFUSELY TO BRUTAL DICTATOR FOR AMERICA'S EXCESSIVE FREE SPEECH
A protestor interrupted President Bush's White House ceremony welcoming Chinese President Hu to America last Thursday, touching off an embarrassing international incident that could have negative repurcussions for the Bush administration's diplomatic efforts to end the U.S.-China trade imbalance. The protestor, a 47-year old woman who had obtained temporary press credentials to attend the ceremony, waited until Hu started speaking and then, for several minutes, yelled for President Bush to "stop [Hu] from killing" and "persecuting" the Falun Gong, a banned religious movement in China. Hu shot Bush a disgusted glance and curtly muttered, "I am not amused." Bush scurried to the lectern and yelled for secret service agents to "drag her away, just drag her away, would you?"
After the ceremony, Bush tried to prevent the incident from derailing the trade talks between the U.S. and China. He obsequiously told the Chinese president: "How dare that wretched woman question your right as supreme dictator of a sovereign nation to deal forcefully with dangerous subversives. I am so, so sorry for the excessive display of freedom of speech you witnessed today." Bush went on to explain that the American Constitution was "concocted by a bunch of foolhardy old bastards" who "didn't live in the real world." Winking at Hu, Bush promised to "tighten up" the First Amendment.
"Good," snapped the still-angry Hu, "because I will not stop persecuting, or killing, the Falun Gong, in my sole discretion."
"Nor should you," Bush quickly agreed. Hu then chided Bush for the "lenient" manner in which the United States deals with its dissidents. "We have a very effective way of dealing with undesirables in China," Hu said. "You will find evidence of that in the Tiananmen Square Massacre."
"Well, we have an effective way of dealing with them, too," Bush assured him. "For example, recently a rich lawyer got out of line, so I arranged for him to go quail hunting with my Vice President."
APRIL
BREAKING NEWS: Tom Cruise accidentally eats part of new daughter along with placenta
LOS ANGELES - Joy turned to tragedy this afternoon when Tom Cruise accidentally ate part of his newborn daughter, named L. Ronda Hubbard-Cruise, moments after his fiance, 27-year old Katie Holmes, gave birth. According to a nurse in the delivery room who asked not to be identified, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little girl was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant. The little girl weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of her.
LOS ANGELES - Joy turned to tragedy this afternoon when Tom Cruise accidentally ate part of his newborn daughter, named L. Ronda Hubbard-Cruise, moments after his fiance, 27-year old Katie Holmes, gave birth. According to a nurse in the delivery room who asked not to be identified, Cruise was happily munching on placenta when "he just kept eating -- he must've thought the little girl was part of the placenta." Katie Holmes witnessed Cruise's unintentional cannibalism and wanted to scream out, but the "silent birth" tenets of the Church of Scientology, to which she and Cruise belong, prevented it. After a struggle, the nurse pulled the ravenous Cruise away from the infant. The little girl weighed 7 pounds 7 onces at birth, and 5 pounds 2 onces after Cruise ate part of her.
JANUARY
ALITO IN ALTERCATION WITH PHOTOGRAPHER ENTERING CONFIRMATION HEARING, VOWS TO BREAK LEGS OF "PAPARAZZI SCUM"WASHINGTON - Judge Samuel Alito was accused of assaulting an US Magazine photographer as he attempted to enter the Senate Judiciary Conference Room this morning. Alito, who pushed through a phalanx of reporters with a terse "get lost, you creeps," as he bounded up the steps and into the building, allegedly became enraged when he spotted several federal judiciary paparazzi lurking behind a statue of Judge Rufus Peckham.
When the photographers tried to take his picture, witnesses said Alito grabbed the camera of one photographer and threw it to the ground, stomping on it repeatedly and breaking it into several pieces. As the other photographers continued taking his picture, a sneering Alito reached into his breast pocket. Pulling out a large wad of bills, he handed the money to his long-time tipstaff Izzy Jillo and told him to "take care of this scum. Break their legs." Jillo and Alito then began battering photographer Al Eisenstadt Jr. about the face and neck with their fists. Alito then entered the conference room, but before closing the door he warned reporters and photographers covering the fight that he "would hurt" anybody who got in his way again. The hearings continue this morning.
JANUARY
AUTOPSY REVEALS KING KONG DIED OF MASSIVE HEART ATTACK; “TWAS CHOLESTEROL KILLED THE BEAST,” SAYS FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST
PITTSBURGH - An autopsy performed by Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht at the request of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the American Zoological Institute shows that the famed gargantuan King Kong did not, as was originally believed, die as a result of biplane-delivered bullet wounds.
“After examining all available film of Kong at the top of the Empire State building frame by frame, I surmised that the actions of the giant ape -- hand clutching chest, facial contortions, arms gesticulating wildly in severe agitation -- were consistent with those of someone suffering cardiac arrest. When I opened him up, my initial diagnosis was confirmed. Kong’s heart was in terrible condition, no doubt a result of his poor dietary habits while residing on Skull Island. Eating human sacrifices day after day is terrible for your cholesterol level, and so on and so forth - no matter what my esteemed colleague Dr. Atkins believed."
Wecht said initial remarks by an unnamed police officer claiming “the airplanes finally got him” were nothing more than “the unprofessional, imbecilic, juvenile assertions of a glorified boy scout.”
PITTSBURGH - An autopsy performed by Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht at the request of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the American Zoological Institute shows that the famed gargantuan King Kong did not, as was originally believed, die as a result of biplane-delivered bullet wounds. “After examining all available film of Kong at the top of the Empire State building frame by frame, I surmised that the actions of the giant ape -- hand clutching chest, facial contortions, arms gesticulating wildly in severe agitation -- were consistent with those of someone suffering cardiac arrest. When I opened him up, my initial diagnosis was confirmed. Kong’s heart was in terrible condition, no doubt a result of his poor dietary habits while residing on Skull Island. Eating human sacrifices day after day is terrible for your cholesterol level, and so on and so forth - no matter what my esteemed colleague Dr. Atkins believed."
Wecht said initial remarks by an unnamed police officer claiming “the airplanes finally got him” were nothing more than “the unprofessional, imbecilic, juvenile assertions of a glorified boy scout.”
JANUARY
IRAN RESUMES NUCLEAR TESTING, U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL ASKS DR. PHIL FOR HELP DEALING WITH IRANIAN PRESIDENT NEW YORK - Hours after Mohammad Saeedi, Deputy Head of Iran's Atomic Energy Organization, announced that Iran was removing the seals from it's nuclear facilities, a frustrated U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan made an emergency visit to tele-therapist Dr. Phil McGraw asking for help in developing a strategy for dealing with an incorrigible head-of-state. "I don't know what to do with him, Dr. Phil," said Annan. "I ask him not to develop nuclear weapons, and he says he won't. Then he turns around and starts developing them."
Dr. Phil, known for his no-nonsense approach to parenting, relationships and statecraft, was blunt. "You're sending him mixed messages, Koffi! Developing nuclear weapons is selfish, destructive behavior, and he needs to know that you won't tolerate it." Dr. Phil added it was about time Annan let Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad know that he needed to "get real." Dr. Phil then excoriated Annan for being "a weak-willed head of a weak-willed world-organization." At one point, he bellowed, "You make me sick, Koffi!" Annan repeatedly nodded his head in agreement. On at least two occasions, he was seen dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. Despite his criticisms, at the conclusion of the show, Dr. Phil announced that he had agreed to perform an intervention on behalf of the U.N. in an attempt to get Iran to suspend its nuclear program. The intervention will air during the February sweeps.
JANUARY
SNOWSTORM TRAPS CHANNEL ELEVEN NEWS TEAM ON TELEVISION HILL, ANCHORS RESORT TO CANNIBALISMAnchor David Johnson Broadcasts Urgent Plea for Help, Hair Products
PITTSBURGH - A sudden winter storm caught forecasters by surprise last night, rendering many roads too hazardous to travel, and creating a crisis at a local television station. Shortly after 8 p.m., NBC affiliate WPXI broke in to regularly scheduled programming to announce that the station was completely surrounded by snow and that employees had no way of leaving. A crawler across the bottom of the screen announced that some of the on-air talent had become so desperate for food that they were resorting to cannibalism and debating the best way to prepare Channel Eleven reporter Alan Jennings for human consumption. Anchorman David Johnson asked for the prayers of all viewers, and urged local government officials to ready plans for an emergency airdrop of badly needed hair-care products. “Things are getting desperate, folks,” he warned. “A little more than an hour ago, I saw some gray.”
JANUARY
CHENEY, RUMSFELD ENJOY PRIVATE SCREENING OF “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN”
WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took in a private screening of “Brokeback Mountain” at a Washington D.C. multiplex Sunday night and, according to a highly agitated Mrs. Cheney, were “visibly moved.”
The film, directed by Ang Lee, is a critically acclaimed tale of two cowboys who fall in love set against the backdrop of the American West. “Many times during the movie I looked at Dick and he was nodding his head,” said Mrs. Cheney.
“Several times I saw Secretary Rumsfeld reach over and pat his hand. I’m not sure what that was all about.” According to ushers sweeping the theater, Cheney and Rumsfeld were still huddled in their seats at least ten minutes after the house lights were raised after the credits finished. Vice President Cheney appeared to be crying. Leaving the theater, a red-eyed Cheney refused comment but walked directly to his limousine with Secretary Rumsfeld. The two men embraced before Cheney entered the car and returned home, presumably with his wife. When a reporter asked Rumsfeld how he enjoyed the movie, he smiled and said “I’ve lived it.” Asked about the propriety of men engaging in acts that some people find morally objectionable, Rumsfeld paused. “Stuff happens,” he said. “Free people should be free to make mistakes.”
FEBRUARY
TODAY'S POLITICAL CARTOON FROM THE TEHRAN POST-GAZETTE TITLED: "MUHAMMAD SCOWLS AT THE WEST"
FEBRUARY
THE DAY BEFORE THE SUPER BOWL, PITTSBURGH NEWSPAPER PREPARES FOR ANY SUPER BOWL EVENTUALITY
FEBRUARY
WARNER BROTHERS PULLS ROADRUNNER-COYOTE-PROPHET MUHAMMAD CARTOON FROM RELEASE SCHEDULELOS ANGELES - The daily trade paper Variety is reporting that Warner Brothers Studio has decided to withhold the release of a cartoon short featuring the Road Runner, the Coyote and the Prophet Muhammad after it was poorly received by test audiences in Pakistan. Exit polling done by Warner Brothers employees at a downtown Karachi multiplex revealed that patrons “strongly objected” to a number of incidents within the cartoon, including but not limited to scenes depicting the Prophet sustaining an anvil blow to the head; being flattened by a steamroller; and repeatedly running into mountain-side paintings of tunnels drawn by the Roadrunner that were, in reality optical illusions. Reportedly, audiences were extremely agitated with the ending of the cartoon, which showed the Prophet falling off the side of a cliff, only to suffer an even greater indignity when a portion of the cliff became disengaged from the rest of the mountain and landed on top of a flimsy umbrella that a dazed Prophet attempted to use for defense.
According to a report submitted to the Warner Brothers' Marketing Department representatives at the theater, patrons exhibited a “high degree of dissatisfaction” with the product. They “manifested their displeasure” by “burning the theater to the ground and repeatedly stabbing the [theater] manager.” Worse, many vowed “never to view any product made or distributed by Warner Brothers Studios again.” An anonymous Warner Brothers' animation engineer expressed surprise at news of the dissatisfaction, noting that the Coyote "suffered almost as many hits as" the Prophet, and he is not Muslim.
An emergency meeting of Warner Brothers' shareholders was called for this morning. Warner CEO Jack Warner III is expected to offer a full apology for the cartoon, along with coupons redeemable for complimentary admissions and concession stand discounts to “any offended Pakistani viewer” who sends a letter, along with a copy of their ticket stub, to Warner Brothers Studio.
FEBRUARY
PITTSBURGH OVERSIGHT BOARD SEIZES LOMBARDI TROPHY AT STEELER RALLY, PLANS TO AUCTION IT ON EBAY
"THE TROPHY IS A FORM OF TAXABLE REVENUE, AND THE CITY HAS TO GET ITS SHARE," SAYS OVERSIGHT BOARD CHAIRMAN JOHN MURRAY
"THE TROPHY IS A FORM OF TAXABLE REVENUE, AND THE CITY HAS TO GET ITS SHARE," SAYS OVERSIGHT BOARD CHAIRMAN JOHN MURRAYPITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers came home today, to the capital of the Steeler Nation, where they were feted by tens of thousands of fans for bringing the Lombardi Trophy back to the Steel City for the first time in 26 years. There were so many Terrible Towels waving that Pittsburgh's Buhl Planetarium says it looked like an ocean of gold from the Hubble Telescope in outer space. Pittsburgh Police were helpless to stop the massive crowd from breaking through the barriers and spilling onto Fifth Avenue, forcing marching bands to proceed practically single-file. Jerome Bettis rode in the last car, clutching the Lombardi Trophy. When the parade reached Point State Park and a joyous round of fireworks exploded in the cold afternoon air, the champions were startled to see in the crowd the state-appointed oversight board that oversees all expenditures of the financially strapped city. Oversight Board Chairman Dr. John E. Murray approached Tommy Maddox, who was put in charge of guarding the Lombardi Trophy, and demanded that he hand it over. "They claimed that the [Lombardi] Trophy is a form of taxable revenue," explained a perturbed Coach Bill Cowher. Cowher yelled for Maddox to lateral the trophy to him, but Dr. Murray intercepted it. The giant crowd booed Maddox mightily. "Leave it to Maddox to blow the biggest play of the year," said one Steeler who asked not to be identified. The Oversight Board plans to sell the trophy on Ebay and take the City's share before handing over the remainder to the Steelers.
FEBRUARY
SIRHAN SIRHAN SEEKS COMMUTATION OF LIFE-SENTENCE, CLAIMS HE WAS HUNTING QUAIL WHEN HE SHOT RFKSACRAMENTO - Sirhan Sirhan is seeking a commutation of the life-sentence he received as a result of his conviction stemming from the June 1968 assassination of Senator Robert F. Kennedy because he claims he was hunting quail in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel when Kennedy accidentally crossed into his line of fire.
The Petition filed today by attorneys for Sirhan in the state Supreme Court claims that at the time of the shooting, Sirhan had followed a covey of quail into the kitchen, but in "a tragic mix-up," he mistook Senator Kennedy for an oversized game bird. "Senator Kennedy failed to signal that he was walking behind Sirhan," the Petition contends, "which, as every hunter understands, is standard procedure when quail hunting in the kitchen of the restaurant of a large hotel." Sirhan went to great lengths to make clear that he was not blaming Kennedy for the shooting. "Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the triggered," he wrote. "So, yes, I take full responsibility."
The Petition also explained why Sirhan waited so long -- almost 38 years -- to reveal that the shooting was an accident. "My immediate concern was for the health of my friend, Bobby," Sirhan explained. "I still think it was the right call to wait." Sirhan admits that the one thing for which he is culpable is failing to pay the state of California the seven dollar fee for a quail-hunting license. "Nevertheless," the Petition asserts, "the 38 years Sirhan has spent in prison should constitute sufficient punishment for this oversight."
FEBRUARY
JEROME BETTIS SUSPECT IN RASH OF DETROIT ROBBERIES, GIANT KEY TO CITY USED TO ACCESS HOMES, BANK VAULTSDETROIT - Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick issued a plea to Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis to turn himself into police tonight after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of robberies in the greater Detroit Metro area. Over a seven day period ending last Sunday, numerous civic and financial institutions, including the Detroit Museum of Art, First National Bank and the Henry Ford Center for Automobiles and Anti-Semitic Studies have suffered incalculable losses in a string of after-hours break-ins. No signs of forced entry were apparent to investigators, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have access to each of the buildings.
Mayor Kilpatrick, who presented Bettis with a key to the city during a ceremony last week at City Hall, was clearly upset. "When I gave this key to 'the Bus,' I asked him to be careful about who he gave it to. I want to remind all of you that Jerome has not been charged with a crime. I'm sure there is a very simple explanation for how so much money, art, jewels, cars and hate literature could have been stolen in such a short period of time and with such relative ease, and I'm certain that explanation does not implicate our hometown hero and his recently obtained key that opens every lock from Ann Arbor to Grosse Pointe."
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