CONVICTED ABU GHRAIB DOG HANDLER A FAMILIAR NAME TO GENERATIONS OF AMERICANS

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An Army dog handler who worked at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq was found guilty yesterday of improperly frightening detainees with his collie. A military jury found Sgt. Timmy Martin, 55, responsible for mistreating prisoners by allowing his dog Lassie to intimidate high-value detainees by growling and barking at them at close range.

A contrite Martin, addressing the Military Tribunal that found him guilty, said he was “awful sorry.” Speaking to his co-defendant, Lassie, Martin said, “We were just trying to prevent another terrorist attack, weren’t we girl?” Lassie responded with a robust bark. The prosecution immediately objected, and the presiding judge instructed the court reporter to strike the bark from the record.

Speaking with reporters from their farm in an unidentified hamlet somewhere in the American heartland, Sgt. Martin’s parents, Paul and Ruth Martin, expressed concern for their son and his dog in stern, but loving, tones. “Timmy knows better than to allow Lassie to violate international standards of behavior when it comes to treatment of enemy combatants in a time of war,” said Mr. Martin. “And Lassie knows better, too. Why, she’s been a member of Amnesty International for years.” Mrs. Martin said her son “needed to be punished,” but felt that spending the rest of his life in prison was too severe. “I think sending him to bed without a glass of warm milk for a week would have done the trick.”

No.1 on the New York Times Bestseller List: a dry, 600+ page history

EXPERTS DETERMINED BED WAS HONEST ABE'S BECAUSE OF STOVEPIPE HAT AND CAREFULLY HEWED SPLIT RAIL DILDO

PITTSBURGH - The Victorian bed that Abraham Lincoln slept in when he passed through Pittsburgh in 1861 on his way to be inaugurated was found in a shed in South Park. Experts say they are certain it is Lincoln’s bed because in the sheets they found a stovepipe hat and a carefully hewed split rail dildo.

SALLY WIGGIN TO PERFORM VULCAN MIND MELD ON ROETHLISBERGER, FILM AT ELEVEN

PITTSBURGH - WTAE Channel 4 Action News director Bob Longo announced that anchorwoman Sally Wiggin will perform a Vulcan mind-meld on Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The Vulcan mind-meld is a controversial, dangerous means of merging two minds to create a single consciousness invented by Leonard Nimoy in 1966.

Longo said the mind-meld is being performed with the blessing of Coach Cowher. "Like all of us, [he's] searching for answers. Coach Cowher wishes Sally the best as she attempts to enter the tormented psyche of his gifted, if erratic signal-caller."

This is not the first time Wiggin has performed a mind-meld during her nearly quarter century in Pittsburgh broadcasting. In 1992, Wiggin used a mind-meld to determine the reasons behind then-Pittsburgh Pirate Barry Bonds' prolonged post-season batting slump. Wiggin never revealed what that mind-meld yielded, but she was so shaken by it that she abruptly disappeared from the air on an extended leave of absence.

Longo said Wiggin is convinced that by sharing the thoughts, experiences and memories of Roethlisberger she can determine the true cause of his poor play on the gridiron this season. "Our viewers are clamoring for an explanation," said Longo. "Sally's mind-meld will provide them with accurate, up-to-the-minute information and round-the-clock access deep into the recesses of Big Ben's brain."

Longo said the Wiggin-Roethlisberger mind-meld will be filmed and will air during the November sweeps. When asked if the mind-meld wasn't merely a cheap publicity stunt designed to increase ratings, Longo became angry. "I don't know how you could accuse us of something like that," he said.

PITTSBURGH STAGES ZOMBIE WALKS AT MONROEVILLE MALL AND McAFEE COLISEUM IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

TAGLINE: "WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD WILL PLAY FOR THE STEELERS"

STEELERS PLAYOFF CHANCES DEAD, MAYOR DECLARES THREE-DAY MOURNING PERIOD, FLAGS LOWERED TO HALF-STAFF

"THIS IS OUR KATRINA"

PITTSBURGH - A somber Mayor Luke Ravenstahl took to the airwaves at nine-o’clock last night to offer words of reassurance to a city teetering on the brink of emotional collapse. Ravenstahl’s emergency address was prompted by the Steelers loss to the Oakland Raiders, putting their playoff hopes in jeopardy.

With the Steelers trailing at halftime, Ravenstahl summoned an emergency meeting of his cabinet by taking to the roof of the City-County Building and shining the Steelers signal into the night sky. Minutes after the game concluded, Ravenstahl began receiving reports from commanders in the field of mass weeping, teeth gnashing, and garment rending. "When River Rescue called and told him we had jumpers, he knew he had to do something," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. Ravenstahl’s five-minute address, drawing on classical themes of death, loss and renewal, was replete with references to Greek philosophy, Romantic poetry, and Vince Lombardi. "I would give anything not to be sitting here tonight speaking to you under these circumstances," said Ravenstahl. "All is lost. All is lost," he said, his familiar monotone cracking with emotion. "This is our Katrina," said the Mayor, referring to the hurricane that devastated New Orleans.

Ravenstahl said he would ask President Bush to declare Pittsburgh an emotional disaster area, thereby releasing millions of dollars in Federal funds that come with such a designation. "People could use that money for kleenex, sedatives, or liquor," said the Mayor. He then announced a three-day period of civic mourning. All city offices, as well as city schools, will be closed until Thursday. Garbage pick-up will be suspended until Friday. All flags will be lowered to half-staff until kick-off next Sunday.

COWHER HINTS AT QUARTERBACK CHANGE, MAY BENCH ROETHLISBERGER, PLAY BARABBAS AGAINST THE BRONCOS

OAKLAND - Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he was giving strong consideration to starting back-up quarterback Barabbas against the Denver Broncos next week.

The Steelers signed Barabbas last week as insurance against additional injury to starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Barabbas is a much-traveled journeyman quarterback and petty thief from Southern Judea who has long been a favorite of hostile mobs.

Roethlisberger, injured in a motorcycle accident last spring, underwent an emergency appendectomy prior to the start of the season, and sustained a concussion in Atlanta last week. Additionally, sources say Roethlisberger has been experiencing anxiety attacks since learning that Iran is continuing its program of uranium enrichment. All of these factors have contributed to Roethlisberger's poor performance.

Cowher said he has heard the rumbling from the crowd. "I heard their hosannas when Ben entered the game," he said. "And I heard their cries to crucify Him, crucify Him, after He threw his fourth interception."

The coach also said he was aware of the "We want Barabbas" chants from a large contingent of Steelers fans sitting directly behind the Steeler's bench. Cowher admitted he thought about making the switch, but ultimately decided against it. "Barabbas isn’t familiar enough with the playbook yet," said Cowher. "Next week might be a different story."

When told of Cowher’s comments, Roethlisberger was defiant, but compassionate. "I forgive Coach. He knows not what he says," said Roethlisberger. Big Ben added that it would be unwise to consider the Steelers playoff chances dead. "We’ll be back," he promised.

DOCTORS FIND CAUSE OF DILBERT CARTOONIST'S AFFLICTION THAT MADE HIM SPEAK IN RHYME

DUBLIN, Calif. - "Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams, 49, was afflicted last week with Spasmodic Dysphonia, a mysterious disease in which parts of the brain controlling speech shut down or go haywire. Adams inexplicably lost his voice — except when speaking in rhyme or pinching his nose.

Doctors have concluded that the illness was brought on by a curse placed on Adams by Endora, the mother-in-law in Bewitched.

DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING MANAGER PONDERS USES FOR "DESIGNATED SMOKING AREA" AFTER SMOKING BAN TAKES EFFECT

PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, the manager of Pittsburgh's USX Tower, said that the "designated smoking area" outside his building is an undesirable gathering place where unproductive workers engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle block the paths of industrious people.

Roadhouse said that once the County's no-smoking ban takes effect, in order to make similar use of the designated area he will invite Pittsburgh City Council to hold its meetings there.

MAN "NOT RIGHT" SINCE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TOOK EFFECT GETS HOUR BACK, NOW OK

PITTSBURGH - Ever since Sunday, April 2, the day U.S. postal worker Bruce Murray and most of the rest of America switched to daylight savings time and lost an hour of sleep, Murray has suffered from a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches, chronic lethargy and bouts of severe depression. Since then, Murray has been involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps and has accidentally chopped off two fingers.

"I haven't been right since I lost that hour," said Murray. "My basement is filled to the ceiling with mail that I just haven't been up to delivering, all because of 'daylight savings time.'" Murray's words drip with derision for the system mandated by the Federal Uniform Time Act of 1966. "In fact, I think I'm wanted for a hit-and-run in West Virginia or someplace," Murray chuckled.

This morning, Murray finally got that hour back as daylight savings time ended. Overnight, the maladies disappeared, and Murray is his old self again. "I feel just great," he said.

Dozens of social security beneficiaries, among countless others on Murray's mail route, will be relieved to learn that after a much-needed vacation he plans to try to catch up on the seven months of backlogged mail strewn about his basement.

"I'll be just fine until next April," said Murray. "Unfortunately, that's when the whole damn thing starts all over again."

ADVISORS WARN MAYOR NOT TO MAKE FOOL OF HIMSELF ON HALLOWEEN BY WAITING FOR MYTHICAL CREATURE IN PUMPKIN PATCH

RAVENSTAHL URGED TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH THE OTHER KIDS

GOV. RENDELL: GAMBLING WILL BRIGHTEN THE EXISTENCE OF CERTAIN PENNSYLVANIANS WHO "LEAD VERY GRAY LIVES, WITHOUT MUCH SOCIAL INTERACTION . . . "

". . . There's not a whole lot of good things that happen in their month. But if you put them on the bus, they're excited. They're happy. They have fun. They see bright lights. They hear music."

The Governor was referring, of course, to the Santorum family.

JOIN US EVERY FRIDAY FOR THE WEEKLY ROUND-UP ON THE DVE MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY, 102.5

HERE ARE THE HEADLINES WE REPORTED TODAY:

*A train derailment at Carnegie Science Center’s Miniature Railroad and Village dumped two ounces of ethanol and forced the evacuation of 30 miniature homes. One homeowner said he saw flames shoot four inches into the air, and the explosion felt like someone bumped the platform with his knee.

*Madonna bows to media pressure and is returning Luke Ravenstahl to the African village where she adopted him.

*This one’s not a hoax: A dirty bomb was dropped at Happy Valley last weekend -- by Joe Paterno, in his pants. A HazMat team was called in for the clean-up.

*Declaring that panhandling is a high-growth industry, Mayor Ravenstahl met with bums at a public hearing in Market Square and said, "I can think of no better way to honor the contributions of our leading panhandlers than to change the name of this hallowed square to ‘Wino Central.”

*Halloween decorating has gotten competitive in Mt. Lebanon. One family is offering free burial space in their front yard to the recently deceased. Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors are out to scare the bejeebers out of the borough by showing the 2006 Pirates highlight video in their front yard.

*More violence in Iraq: Shiites gunned down Sunni Corleone on the Causeway in retaliation for Michael Corleone’s murder of Sollozzo Hussein.

*Pittsburgh Brewing has issued a commemorative Chapter 11 beer Bottle that says, “We are broke.”

IRONY: SNOOP DOGG ARRESTED AFTER DOG SNOOPED OUT HIS LUGGAGE

RAPPER NABBED AT AIRPORT ON SUSPICION OF DRUG, GUN POSSESSION

MADONNA BOWS TO PUBLIC PRESSURE, RETURNS LUKE RAVENSTAHL TO THE AFRICAN VILLAGE WHERE SHE ADOPTED HIM

NEW POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF PENNSYLVANIA TELEVISION VIEWERS HATE CASEY, SANTORUM

PITTSBURGH - The most recent Keystone Poll, released this morning, reveals that challenger Bob Casey has narrowed the gap between himself and incumbent Senator Rick Santorum in the race for the United States Senate. "It’s a virtual dead heat," said Professor G. Terry Madonna of Franklin and Marshall College. "The public can’t stand either one of them."

The poll shows that both men are now equally reviled by a majority of Pennsylvania residents. "Nearly one hundred percent of registered television viewers across the Commonwealth are now drawing no distinction between either candidate," said Madonna. "For instance, when asked which candidate’s image would make you more likely to shoot out your television screen, the nearly unanimous answer was 'either one.'"

The professor said that one hundred percent of those surveyed admitted to punching, kicking, shooting, or bludgeoning their television set when forced to watch a commercial for either Santorum or Casey during their campaign.

Madonna also said he wasn’t surprised by Casey’s late surge. "Santorum started this race as a guy most people couldn’t stand. He had great stomach-turning recognition. But all along, Casey’s people kept saying just give our guy a chance. And it seems now that the people know him, they find him just as repulsive as the guy he’s trying to beat." Madonna added "That’s politics for you." The ever-coy Madonna refused to pick a winner. "Casey has all of the vitality of a day-old bagel, and Santorum just has the face that makes you want to punch him," said Madonna, adding, "This thing is going down to the wire."

DANCING WITH THE STARS CONTESTANTS PENALIZED FOR EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION

THEY WERE SO ELATED AFTER THEIR PERFORMANCE, THEY STARTED TOSSING A FOOTBALL AROUND

COWHER SAYS "THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN THAT I WILL SAY 'THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN'"

COACH DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION PENALTY

EDITORIAL: MOUNT LEBANON CORRECT TO ISSUE DEATH WARRANT FOR ICE CREAM VENDOR DUE TO EXCESSIVE TRUCK MUSIC

EDITORIAL - It is my duty as a fair-mined observer of the human condition to set the record straight on behalf of the misunderstood residents of Mt. Lebanon.

Some will brand as "harsh" the decision of Mt. Lebanon Borough Council to issue a death warrant for an elderly ice cream vendor whose truck blares music through the ritzy streets of this upscale community.

In fact, the warrant is anything but harsh.

The warrant was issued in response to the complaints of civic-minded Mt. Lebanon residents about music from an ice cream truck belonging to one "Chuck" Greenberger, owner of Chuck's Ice Cream.

Exactly who does this 83-year-old peddler think he is, forcing his frozen confections and horrid music on Mt. Lebanon's distinctive way of life? The people don't want him here, and he knows it.

What is Mr. Greenberger's defense to this? His trucks need to play music, he kvetches, or "the kids ain't gonna know I'm there." He adds: "Laws like this could be the end of the ice cream trucks." On and on he blathers, one twisted assertion cascades upon the next until they collapse on each other to reveal a Rorschach inkblot of serious criminality.

It is unjust to misconstrue the residents' complaints as niggling bellyaching from well-to-do folks who have nothing better to do than to interfere with an elderly man's attempts to eke out a living. You see, Mt. Lebanon has to draw a line in the sand here and now in order to keep interlopers like "Chuck" Greenberger out, or it will be overrun by even more serious criminals.

Perhaps even mass murderers, like, for example, Richard Baumhammers, who went on a killing spree in April 2000 and killed five people. Admittedly this is not a perfect analogy since Baumhammers actually resided in one of Mt. Lebanon's most exclusive neighborhoods at the time of the murders. But you get the point.

T-ball coach who ordered hit on autistic child is granted bail, hired as Pirates' pitching coach

PITTSBURGH - Mark R. Downs, Jr., a Fayette County T-ball coach, sentenced this month to prison for ordering a little league pitcher to throw at one of his players who is autistic, was freed pending appeals of his conviction and sentence.

But that's not the only good news Downs received today. During a press conference at the Fayette County Jail, Pirates manager Jim Tracy announced that Downs will be the Bucs' pitching coach in 2007, assuming Downs is not serving time in prison.

Tracy read from a prepared statement: "Mark Downs has exhibited the unique ability to motivate his personnel to follow his instructions to the letter, even if those instructions violate universally accepted standards of decency and morality. That's exactly the kind of coach the Pittsburgh Pirates need."

Downs said he will work in the off-season to teach Zach Duke and Ian Snell to throw at opposing batters' groins.

BREAKING NEWS: CHIRAC SAYS "PARIS NEVER HAS ROLLED OVER, NEVER WILL ROLL OVER, FOR THUGS"

MORE VIOLENCE IN IRAQ: SHIITES GUN DOWN CHIEF FOE SUNNI CORLEONE ON CAUSEWAY IN RETAILIATION FOR MURDER OF SOLLOZZO HUSSEIN

IRAQI PRIME MINISTER NOURI AL-MALIKI WANTS TO ARRANGE A MEETING WITH THE HEADS OF THE FIVE FAMILIES: "THIS WAR STOPS NOW"

DENNIS REGAN'S OFFICE EFFECTS SOLD IN YARD SALE IN FRONT OF CITY-COUNTY BUILDING

REGAN WONDERING IF MAYOR "IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING"

PITTSBURGH - City of Pittsburgh Operations Director Dennis J. Regan, under investigation for allegedly quashing a disciplinary action against a detective who is the brother of Regan's housemate, was said to be "concerned" this morning after learning that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl personally removed his office effects to the front of the City-County Building and erected a sign that said: "Dennis Regan Yard Sale." Another sign said: "Everything must go." Ravenstahl told city employees to "get as much as you can for this crap, but get rid of it." Chief of Staff Yarone Zober, 31, has taken Mr. Regan's former office next to the Mayor's.

Ravenstahl has not announced whether he wants Regan to stay in his administration.

"There's nothing to read into that [yard sale]," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. "The Mayor loves the neighborhood feel of a yard sale, that's all."

RAVENSTAHL NAMES RENFIELD DIRECTOR OF GENERAL SERVICES

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl has named R.M. Renfield, a recent escapee from the Bedlam Lunatic Asylum, as Director of General Services.

Dr. Van Helsing, director of patient services at the Bedlam Asylum, hailed the news. "I’ve said it many times. The proper place for the deranged in our society is not on the streets," said Van Helsing. "It’s on the city payroll."

Ravenstahl made the announcement at a news conference held this morning. The Mayor said he hoped the hiring of Renfield would help remove the stigma associated with people adjudicated criminally insane. "Children of the night!" he began, before correcting himself. "I mean, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a sign on my desk that says 'you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.' In that spirit, I give you Director Renfield." Ravenstahl then ushered the newest member of his administration to the podium.

Overcome with emotion, Renfield could muster only a few words. "Master! Master!" he shouted, before emitting a low, guttural whine. Ravenstahl quickly directed Renfield to an exit. "Director Renfield has pledged his absolute obedience to me," said the Mayor. "And may I add the people of this city are going to love the work this vile wretch is going to perform, particularly in the area of pest removal."


Mayor Ravenstahl said Renfield planned to begin an ambitious program of cockroach extermination. "Director Renfield will personally supervise their removal," said the Mayor. He added, "I am confident Pittsburgh will be entirely bug free within days."

RENDELL TELLS REPORTERS HE'S NOT HIDING CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL UNTIL ELECTION IS OVER

MUFFLED NOISES EMANATE FROM NEARBY CRATE

"As with everything, Mr. Casey, you're wrong -- I am not a 'desperate campaigner' . . ."

". . . But I will say this: If you win this election, with my bare hands, I personally will destroy three major office buildings downtown Pittsburgh; and if you have any sons, I'll do to them what Mark Foley only dreamed about."

TED WILLIAMS' HEAD THAWED OUT FOR ANNUAL PRESS CONFERENCE

"SPLENDID SPLINTER" RAILS ON ABOUT LOST ART OF HITTING IN CRYONICS COMPANY'S YEARLY MORBID PUBLICITY STUNT

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. - The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, just as it is every year during the World Series, so that Williams could lecture, reprimand and cajole the press on a variety of subjects. Although the "Splendid Splinter" spewed his customary disdain for modern hitters, he had little new to say.


PRESS CONFERENCE HAS BECOME ANNUAL AFFAIR

Following Williams' death on July 5, 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body immediately was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen.

At the end of every baseball season, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.


Although critics decry Williams' annual press conference as a morbid publicity stunt for Alcor, "Teddy Ballgame's" legion of fans eagerly await their hero's annual appearances.

Immediately upon being revived, Williams confers with several friends who bring him up to date on the past year's events -- mainly about fly fishing, politics and especially baseball. The first question Williams asks his confidants is always the same: "Did anyone hit .400 this year?" The answer is always "no." Williams was the last player to hit .400, a feat he accomplished in 1941 when he batted .406.

Then the reporters are ushered into the lab so that Williams can hold court. Williams always starts the press conference with a wisecrack -- invariably he apologizes for not being able to tip his cap to the press corps "because I don't have any arms," a comical reference to the fact that throughout his career he refused to tip his cap to his adoring Boston fans. Next Williams vexes the assembled by insisting that someone hold the book he authored, The Science of Hitting, close to his eyes so that he can read a chapter aloud, much to the chagrin of the disinterested reporters

THIS YEAR, NOTHING NEW TO SAY

This year's press conference stayed true to form but offered no new insights into Williams' life or career. In past years, Williams has been so high-spirited that he has gone so far as to serenade reporters with "Take me out to the Ballgame." But this year Williams appeared to be in a prickly mood and, for the first time since his death, abruptly refused even to answer questions at the end of his lecture. The reporters were ushered out of the lab and the door was closed, but Williams could be heard vehemently arguing with Dr. Bob Haas, Chief of Staff at Alcor, over Alcor's fee for the neuroseparation procedure, which remains largely unpaid. Williams also severely reprimanded Haas for not shaving him in the past year. As Williams ratcheted up the decibel level, a "thud . . . thud" came from the lab, as if a watermelon had been dropped, and Williams suddenly was silenced. Then came the sound of the lid on the steel can being sealed.

So for another year, Ted Williams rests in peace -- and pieces. As the reporters trudged through the hot Alcor parking lot they muttered that they hoped next year the once-great slugger would give them something more to write about.

PITTSBURGH BREWING ISSUES COMMEMORATIVE CHAPTER 11 BEER BOTTLE

BELOVED BROADCASTING ICON MYRON COPE TAPPED TO TEACH EVGENI MALKIN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh broadcasting icon Myron Cope, retired since 2005 as the Steelers' color commentator, has volunteered to teach the Pittsburgh Penguins' newest star, Russian Evgeni Malkin, how to speak English. Cope has been intensively tutoring the 20-year old for the past two weeks.

Cope said he took the assignment because of his enthusiasm for Malkin's abilities with a hockey stick. "Mmm-Hah!" he exclaimed, his eyes bulging, "this Russian kid, he's - he's - he's almost quadruple yoi!" Cope became so excited that his words melted into a stammering convoy of misplaced syllables, making him sound more like Porky Pig than one of the most astute sportswriters of the past 50 years. Eventually he veered back to discernible English. "I'm gonna teach the lad to, you know, speak the King's English and what have you. So everything's gonna be Okel Dokel. Mmm-Hah!"

Mario Lemieux, in the process of selling the Penguins, said: "I can't think of anyone more qualified to teach Evgeni how to speak English than Myron, except perhaps Yankees great Yogi Berra."

Contacted for this story, Malkin told a reporter: "Вы, г-н Справлять, для учить, что я поговорил английскую язык."

NFL FINES DALLAS CLARK FOR MEDIOCRE TOUCHDOWN CELEBRATION DANCE, MAKES CHOREOGRAPHY MANDATORY FOR ALL WHITE TIGHT ENDS, RECEIVERS

Clark’s performance was "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it."

NEW YORK - Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Indianapolis Colts tight end Dallas Clark ten thousand dollars for a touchdown celebration dance he attempted to perform in last Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins. Goodell made the announcement this morning at his weekly press conference. He was joined at the podium by NFL Under Secretary for Showboating, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Goodell called Clark’s performance "an affront to the entire league, and all who dance in it."

Goodell said he had reviewed tape of Clark’s end zone dance numerous times, from multiple angles. Each time, he reached the same conclusion. "I can find absolutely no rhythm in his movements at all," said Goodell.

Goodell continued: "Our fans have come to expect that when a player scores, he is going to provide a celebratory dance of breathtaking skill and beauty. Dallas jerked to and fro like a headless chicken in its death throes. This kind of dance will not be tolerated."

In addition to fining Clark, Goodell introduced mandatory choreography lessons for all white NFL receivers and tight ends.

Teams of professional dancers will be visiting every NFL franchise this week to provide much-needed dance instruction to rhythmically-challenged players. "We need to send a message to our white players that if you’re going to score, you’re going to have to act in a way that draws attention to your unsportsmanlike actions with grace and style. There is no room for bad dancing in our league."

LUDACRIS TO DO BENEFIT CONCERT FOR PITTSBURGH SYMPHONY TO OVERCOME $1 MILLION DEFICIT

RAPPER SAYS, "I ALWAYS TRY TO HELP STRUGGLING MUSICIANS"

HANS BLIX, FORMER U.N. ARMS INSPECTOR, FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF FOREIGN SUBSTANCE ON BALL USED BY TIGERS PITCHER

ST. LOUIS - When Detroit pitcher Kenny Rogers was caught in game two of the World Series with a smudge of indeterminate origin on his left hand, the home plate umpire, Hans Blix, did not accuse him of doctoring the ball and refused to look for evidence of a foreign substance. Blix merely asked Rogers to wipe the smudge from his hand, which Rogers did, and Rogers proceeded to pitch as if nothing had happened. Many fans are openly questioning why Blix failed to scrutinize the situation more closely.

This is not the first time Blix has found himself mired in controversy. Blix is the former chief UN arms inspector in Iraq who claimed he found no evidence that Saddam Hussein harbored weapons of mass destruction. Blix retired from service with the UN in 2003 and went to school to become a major league umpire. This is his first World Series.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow bristled at Blix's handling of the smudge incident: "[Blix's] insistence on turning a blind eye toward [Kenny Rogers'] infraction is a rehash of his malfeasance in Iraq. His negligence back then threatened the security of the free world, and his negligence last Sunday threatens to do worse; namely, compromise the outcome of the World Series."

OMNIMAX THEATER BOWS TO COMPLAINTS: WILL STOP SHOWING COWHER'S WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE ON MASSIVE SCREEN BECAUSE IMAGE OVERWHELMS VIEWERS

PITTSBURGH - The Rangos Omnimax Theater at the Carnegie Science Center has decided to stop showing Bill Cowher's weekly press conference on its massive, domed screen in the wake of numerous complaints that the image was overwhelming a disproportionate number of viewers, causing many to experience motion sickness and some even to pass out.

Richard Lee, director of the Theater, explained that Cowher's "chin and dismissive icy glares" are all wrapped around a 79 foot diameter aluminum dome, projected through the largest film frame in the motion picture industry using a 15,000 watt, short-arc Xenon lamp and an 1800 fisheye lens. The result is a vivid, many say unsettling, image.


Cowher's voice and his "guttural grunts of disgust and evasion" are transmitted through 15,200 watts of sound via 44 speakers.

In the end, Lee and his colleagues decided the combination of Cowher and the Omnimax was simply too much for the viewers. "It got to the point where we had to have an ambulance waiting outside," said Lee. "We needed to end it before somebody really got hurt."

STEELERS LOSE, BUT NATE WASHINGTON WOWS JUDGES WITH TOUCHDOWN CELEBRATION DANCE

ATLANTA - Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Nate Washington was awarded a perfect score by the judges of the ABC television series "Dancing With the Stars" following the routine he performed in the end zone after catching a ten-yard touchdown pass from Ben Roethlisberger late in the second quarter of Sunday's 41-38 overtime loss to the Falcons.

"You never want to lose a game," said Washington. "But hopefully we can use my perfect score as something to build on for next week."

Washington said he spends a lot of time in practice each week working on his touchdown celebration dance, despite the fact that he is currently the number four receiver on the depth chart. "Hopefully, I showed the coaching staff and my teammates today that when I get the opportunity I can showboat with any receiver in this league."

Coach Cowher revealed Washington's score during his post-game news conference. "I just finished a conference call with Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli," said Cowher. "The judges were unanimous in their appraisal of Nate's celebration booty-shake. I am pleased to report that Nate received a perfect score." When pressed for specifics, Cowher was reluctant to elaborate. "Carrie Ann said it was 'passionate,' Len described it as 'fantastic,' and Bruno called it 'a playful, sexy romp.'" Cowher also said that Tonioli felt Washington was "destined for induction into the Hall of Fame of Hips." Cowher said he was proud of Washington. "Nate left it all out there in the end zone today."

BIG BEN MIRACLE: THE ONLY REMNANTS FROM SUNDAY'S BLOW TO HEAD ARE BLACK SCARS DIRECTLY BENEATH BOTH EYES

JOIN US EVERY FRIDAY: CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL ON WDVE MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY

"[T]he city's equivalent of The Onion" (The New York Times) and "[o]ne of America's great Web sites" (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) on the highest rated radio show in Pittsburgh.

Here are the stories covered on our most recent appearance on The Morning Show:

*With his lead narrowing in the upcoming Senatorial election, Bob Casey checked himself into UPMC for a charisma augmentation procedure. Casey was admitted after complaining that he felt dull and ordinary.

*In the latest Senatorial debate, Rick Santorum tried to boost his low approval rating among gay voters by saying, quote, “Would it help if I admitted that at this very moment, I am picturing Bob Casey without a stitch of clothing, and I really like what I see?”

*President Bush said he will seek U.N. sanctions to stop North Korea from building an Atomic Fireball candy factory. The President vowed to prevent the proliferation of candies of mass destruction.

*People who need people – SHUT THE “F” UP – are the luckiest people in the world, sang Barbra Streisand at Madison Square Garden, in an outburst that elicited frenzied applause. Thereafter Streisand sprinkled the “F” word throughout every song, including “F-ing memories, like the corners of my mind.”

*The United Nations has adopted a resolution to stop the international sex slave trade. It’s first target: the Congressional page program.

*Ed Benedict, the chief animator behind the Flintstones, died at the age of 94. On the half-mile ride to the cemetery, the hearse passed the same crudely-drawn rock house and cactus 47 times.

*The Kansas City Chiefs credit the idea for last Sunday’s hair-pulling tackle of Troy Polamalu to the work of a special scout assigned to the women’s roller derby league. Next week the Chiefs are going to try bra snapping.

*Happy news: Entertainer Madonna has adopted Mayor Luke Ravenstahl.

*The Pirates shored up their starting rotation by signing the T-ball pitcher who intentionally threw at an autistic boy in response to his coach’s offer of $25. General Manager Dave Littlefield said this is exactly what the Bucs need, a pitcher with pinpoint control and a willingness to follow directions even if they are repugnant to all standards of decency.

*Coach Cowher credits obese, shirtless men in the crowd as critical to Sunday’s win over the Chiefs. The coach said, quote, “If those fat slobs can climb out of their recliners to root for us, we have an obligation to win for them.”

RAVENSTAHL RESPONSE LINE OUTSOURCED TO A HELP DESK IN INDIA

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's "Ravenstahl Response Line," a call center where city residents can register non-emergency questions and complaints with the city by dialing 311, has been outsourced to a help desk in India.

The Mayor announced that callers would receive the same efficient response they would receive if the Response Line were headquartered in Pittsburgh but conceded that "that there is a language barrier with the Indian operators, and that some of the operators don't have any idea what the caller is saying. But that would be true for Pittsburgh-based operators as well."

Some callers complained that regardless of their complaint, the operator's advice was always the same: "Turn off the machine, count to ten, then turn it back on."

Ravenstahl said that outsourcing the Response Line was part of an economy effort that will save the city millions of dollars. "If this works out," he noted, "we're going to outsource city council to New Delhi."

EX-CONGRESSMAN FOLEY RENTS SPOOKY OLD MANSION IN GEORGETOWN, PLANS TO STAGE HAUNTED HOUSE FOR CHARITY TO REHABILITATE HIS IMAGE

THE HOUSE WAS OWNED BY THE LATE AVIATOR RUTHERFORD PAGE, WHO DIED TRAGICALLY IN A PLANE CRASH. IT HAS LONG BEEN RUMORED THAT A GHOST INHABITS THE PAGE HOUSE, AND THAT FOLEY INHABITS THE HOUSE PAGES.

VAST QUANTITIES OF ORANGE JUICE, ICE ARE RUSHED TO NEW BRIGHTON TO HELP COMMUNITY DEAL WITH ETHANOL SPILL

JENNIFER ANISTON AND VINCE VAUGHN STARRED IN "THE BREAK-UP," THEN NEARLY BROKE UP DUE TO HIS RUMORED AFFAIR

COINCIDENCE? NOW ANISTON IS REALLY WORRIED BECAUSE VAUGHN HAS BEEN CAST TO STAR IN PART 2 OF "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN"

STEELERS LOSE ONE THEY SHOULD HAVE WON: D.A. ZAPPALLA SAYS COACH COWHER WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED IF HE EXECUTES NATE WASHINGTON, OTHERS

BIG BEN IS KNOCKED OUT!

TRAIN DERAILMENT AT CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER'S MINIATURE RAILROAD AND VILLAGE DUMPS TWO OUNCES OF ETHANOL, FORCES EVACUATION OF 30 MINIATURE HOMES

EVACUATED HOMEOWNER: "I SAW FLAMES SHOOT UP FOUR INCHES INTO THE SKY. THE EXPLOSION FELT LIKE SOMEONE'S KNEE BUMPED THE PLATFORM. "

MAYOR RAVENSTAHL WANTS TO SOCK EVERY WORKER WITH LUMP SUM $52 TAX IN JANUARY INSTEAD OF SPREADING IT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR

"I'M SORRY, I CAN'T EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T EARN A BIG SALARY. SEE, I JUST GOT A $40,470 RAISE WHEN I BECAME MAYOR, WHICH IS A LOT FOR A 15-YEAR OLD."

LATEST STINGRAY STABBING OF BOATER CALLED COPYCAT ATTACK

LAST MONTH'S STINGRAY ASSAULT ON "CROCODILE HUNTER" STEVE IRWIN TRIGGERS IMITATOR ATTACKS BY STINGRAYS SEEKING NOTORIETY, SAYS EXPERT

LIGHTHOUSE POINT, Fla. - An 81-year-old boater was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stabbed him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest, authorities said. The attack came just four weeks after the one that killed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin.

Dr. Velveeta Lugosi-Alou, who has tracked stingray attacks for three decades, said that whenever a high profile attack is given media coverage around the world, as Steve Irwin's attack was, it triggers other stingrays to seek similar notoriety, often using the same methods and leaving similar victims. "That's what happened here," she said.

"I don't think we've seen the end of the cycle," Dr. Lugosi-Alou warned. "For the next several weeks, boaters and divers need to be very careful of imitation assaults."

THIS ONE'S NOT A HOAX: JOE PATERNO DROPS DIRTY BOMB IN HIS PANTS

HazMat team called in to handle clean-up . . .

COUNCIL PREZ SHIELDS CALLS OVERSIGHT BOARD "THE PHANTOM FIVE," WANTS THEM TO ANSWER TO CITY COUNCIL

"JUST LOOK AT THE GREAT JOB CITY COUNCIL AND THE MAYOR HAVE DONE, RACKING UP $1 BILLION IN DEBT -- AND NO THANKS TO THE UNTOUCHABLES ON THAT OVERSIGHT BOARD!"

Kim Jong-Il attributes his despotic behavior to sexual abuse by the same priest who molested Congressman Foley

PYONGYANG - North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il revealed today that Rev. Anthony Mercienca, 69, the priest who molested ex-Congressman Mark Foley as a boy, also molested Kim when he was a teenager. In an interview unprecedented for its candor, Kim pointed to sexual abuse by Father Mercienca as the root cause of his despotic ways.

"When I act out by exhibiting cruelty or dishonesty or sexual excesses, or when I conduct illicit nuclear tests, that's the abused altar boy, not me," said Kim. "Although I attribute my inappropriate, despotic behavior to the trauma I sustained as a young adolescent, that does not excuse me of my actions."

Father Mercienca, retired and living on the Maltese island of Gozo, admitted to reporters having relations with Kim four decades ago and provided details of the encounters, including the time the two were naked in a sauna together, and the times Father Mercienca touched Kim, "once, maybe twice."


"My one regret," said Father Mercienca, "is that I taught Kim a game that I called 'Let's show each other our nuclear missiles,' and I'm afraid that game had too much of an influence on him."

NEW REALITY SHOW FEATURES PEOPLE WATCHING REALITY SHOWS

GROUPS TO COMPETE STAYING AWAKE THE LONGEST, CHANGING CHANNELS THE FASTEST, EATING SNACK FOODS WHILE WATCHING OTHER REALITY SHOWS

HOLLYWOOD - "The thing that's most real about reality television," producer Bradleys Roadhouse was saying over a cup of mocha chai latte, "is that real people are watching it."

And that's all Roadhouse needed for television's newest reality show, "Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero?" premiering this Friday on the Carbolic Smoke Ball (CSB) television network.

The premise is that groups of strangers compete against each other to see who can stay awake the longest, eat the most snack food and change the channel the fastest -- while watching other reality TV shows. "It will be scintillating television," said Roadhouse.

"We're going to come out smoking," said Roadhouse. "The first show, we've got two groups of college lesbians pitted against each other in a 'find the remote' competition. They'll wrestle and claw at each other, and hopefully even rip each other's clothes off, to get at that remote." Roadhouse smiles broadly. "Finally, quality TV in a reality show setting."

If all goes as planned, Roadhouse has a spin-off in the works that will show real people watching this show. He calls it, Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Watching the Original Who Wants to be an American Reality TV Hero Show?

MAYOR MEETS WITH BUMS AT PUBLIC HEARING, WILL RENAME MARKET SQUARE "WINO CENTRAL"

PITTSBURGH - Declaring "I have heard the voice of the people," Mayor Ravenstahl announced this morning that he is renaming Market Square "Wino Central." The name change is effective immediately.

Ravenstahl made the announcement following a hearing held to solicit public input on the future of Market Square. The Mayor's remarks were met with the sound of someone clearing his throat, isolated outbursts of profanity, and scattered murmurs.

Several winos inclined on Market Square benches briefly raised their heads before returning to sleep. The hearing, held in front of The Original Oyster House, was attended by Mayor Ravenstahl, City Planning Director Pat Ford, Jack Piatt, chairman of Millcraft Industries, the developer in charge of the project, and several hundred homeless people.

"For as long as I can remember, this place has been home to some of the area's leading panhandlers. I can think of no better way to honor their lives, and their contributions to our region, than to change the name of this hallowed square," said Ravenstahl. "Panhandling is a high-growth industry. We need to let our young people know that if you're interested in panhandling as a career, there's a place right here for you to learn - and eventually practice - your trade."

Ravenstahl said the new Wino Central would feature strategically placed brown bag dispensers on every corner, as well as state-of-the art sleeping boxes. The Mayor said plans are also in place for a new LCB superstore in the heart of the square, along with a statue of former KDKA newsman Bill Burns.