PIRATES SAY THE $5.4 MILLION SAVED FROM MONDAY'S TRADES TO BE PUMPED BACK INTO TEAM . . .

. . . THE TEAM OF OGDEN NUTTING, OGDEN NUTTING AND OGDEN NUTTING

WELCOME TO PITTSBURGH, XAVIER NADY

"I DIED AND WENT TO HELL!"

CHRIS DUFFY BOBBLEHEAD REFUSES TO REPORT TO BOX, DEMANDS TO BE TRADED

CHRIS DUFFY RETURNS TO PIRATES

DUFFY STRIKES OUT BUT REFUSES TO REPORT TO DUGOUT

SEAN CASEY'S MOM LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS TO MOVE SEAN'S STUFF TO DETROIT

MRS. CASEY CLAIMS "SEAN'S CRAP" MAKES HER UPPER SAINT CLAIR HOME LOOK LIKE "A PIGPEN"

MEL GIBSON CLAIMS HATE-FILLED DIATRIBE AGAINST JEWS NOT ANTI-SEMITIC

HOLLYWOOD - Mel Gibson has issued a statement explaining his comments evincing hatred of Jews made following his arrest last Friday on suspicion of drunk driving:

"My comments last Friday, which were made in the privacy of a squad car to Christian police officers and were never intended to be published to a broader audience, have been misconstrued and contorted beyond all recognition. Although I did refer to the 'f - - - - - - Jews' as being 'responsible for all the wars in the world,' these remarks were made out of my deep and abiding affection for the Jewish people and my admiration for their incredible military acumen. No one loves the Hebrew nation more than Mel Gibson, and my comments were a reflection of that love. Now, I look forward to putting this entire incident behind me, and I urge my Jewish friends who control Hollywood to stop their kvetching over this nonsense and to sit down with me and nosh on a plate of holishke while we haggle over a movie deal. Shalom."

FIDEL CASTRO TEMPORARILY TRANSFERS POWER BEFORE SURGERY TO DEPUTY MAYOR YARONE ZOBER

"THERE'S NO STOPPING THIS KID," DECLARES DENNIS REGAN

FRENCH CLAIM DOPING ACCOUNTS FOR THREE-YEAR OLD FAITH JONES' AMAZING TRICYCLE RIDE DOWN THE STREET

PARIS - The French media claims that three-year old American Faith Jones tested positive for an elevated ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone following her amazing tricycle ride from the top of her driveway all the way to the mailbox three houses down the street.

"The girl's body cannot create a ride like this on its own," sniffed French bon vivant and television commentator Francois Rapports.

Looking and sounding defiant, Faith said yesterday that her body's natural metabolism, not doping of any kind, caused the result, and that she would undergo tests to prove it. "These allegations are nothing more than garden-variety anti-Americanism on the part of the haughty French," she said. "Let's face it, they just can't stand the fact that we saved them in the big war."

PIRATE TRADES

"THEN IT'S A DEAL, CHIEF LITTLEFIELD. YOU GIVE ME FIVE OF YOUR BEST-KNOWN PLAYERS AND THE ISLAND OF MANHATTAN, AND I'LL GIVE YOU SEVERAL WORTHLESS PLAYERS AND SOME BEADS WORTH $24."

PIRATES TRADE CASEY AND WILSON, WILL PLAY WITHOUT FIRST BASEMAN FOR REMAINDER OF SEASON

DAVE LITTLEFIELD: "IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE ANYWAY"

COWHER, HOLMES OBSERVED WALKING DOWN DIRT ROAD, HEADING TOWARD FISHING HOLE

LATROBE, Pa - Steelers Coach Bill Cowher and first round draft choice Santonio Holmes were seen strolling down a deserted country road this morning, heading in the direction of the fishing hole. Both men had their rods over their shoulder. Coach Cowher allegedly maintained an expression of paternal satisfaction across his face during the entire five minute walk, once even breaking into a broad grin when Mr. Holmes stopped to skip a rock across the water.

One Steeler official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the fishing trip has been in the works “for some time.” The goal is for both Cowher and Holmes to spend some quality bonding time together, allowing Cowher to impart his unique blend of homespun wisdom and time-honored traditional American values to the woman-beating, illegitimate child-siring, police-officer insulting first-round draft choice.

Cowher waved off reporters who attempted to tag along. Holmes unleashed a torrent of obscenities in the direction of KDKA sportscaster Bob Pompeanni who asked if he could accompany them. Cowher was quick to intercede. “Now this is what I’m talking about, Santonio. You just can’t treat people like that.” Cowher was overheard illustrating his point by telling Holmes a parable. When he concluded, an obviously contrite Holmes gazed at Cowher with awe, and affection. “Gosh,” he said.

The trip ended shortly this afternoon when Holmes was arrested by officers from the Fish and Game Commission for fishing without a license.

CITY HALL PURGE CONTINUES, MAYOR FIRES BUKHARIN, YEZOV, BERIA; CALLS THREE FORMER COMRADES “ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE N’AT”

PITTSBURGH - Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar announced at a new conference this morning that Mayor Bob O’Connor had fired three former aides, accusing them of “disloyalty, insubordination, and reactionary, Trotskyite tendencies.” Skrinjar said the Mayor had asked for, and received, signed confessions from his former comrades Lavrenti Beria, Nikolai Yezhov and Nikolai Bukharin. All three men admitted to “secretly conspiring with Murphy deviationists to strangle the O’Connor revolution in its cradle by attempting to distribute huge government subsidies to gigantic department stores while the Mayor received chemotherapy treatments.” Skrinjar denied the confessions were obtained under duress, or through the use of torture.

All three men were dragged screaming through the halls of the City-County Building by armed guards, before they were thrown into a black sedan parked in front of the Caliguiri Statue on Grant Street. Skrinjar said the three former city officials were being held in the Allegheny County Jail, where they were being interrogated by members of O’Connor’s security detail in an attempt to identify other administration officials who may have participated in the plot.

“There are no shortage of wreckers among us, and we must be vigilant against the nefarious aims of our enemies, and the enemies of the peoplen’at,” said Skrinjar, reading from a statement issued by the Mayor.

Skrinjar promised additional firings “in the near future,” to be followed by “mass executions,” pending approval of the State Oversight Board.

BREAKING NEWS: PIRATES TRADE KIP WELLS TO GOODWILL INDUSTRIES FOR IRONING BOARD AND EXTENSION CORD

WELLS: "LOOKING FORWARD" TO GOING WHEREVER GOODWILL CAN SELL HIM.

BREAKING PIRATES NEWS: VENDOR T.C. CONGDON TRADED TO ATLANTA FOR TWO USHERS AND CHIEF NOC-A-HOMA

PITTSBURGH - The Pirates traded popular, wisecracking vendor Tom "T. C." Congdon this afternoon to the Atlanta Braves for ushers, Noah Swayne, 68, and Bradleys Roadhouse, 73, and ex-Braves mascot Chief Noc-A-Homa, the faux American Indian who supposedly lived in a teepee in the bleachers of Fulton County Stadium and who was formally retired in 1985.

"We will miss T.C.'s incredible wit and enthusiasm. He was the Noel Coward of the Pirates organization. But this trade gives the club more depth in the ushering and mascot departments," said General Manager Dave Littlefield.

Littlefield said he "has no idea" what the Pirates will do with a faux American Indian mascot but noted, "I expect to see some good-natured scuffling between the red man [sic] and the [Pirate] parrot between innings for the amusement of the fans." Littlefield hinted that he "wouldn't mind if Chief Noc-A-Homa scalped the parrot." He acknowledged that having a faux American Indian for a mascot was not "politically correct," and noted that the team likely would change his name to Joseph Sartucci to give him an Italian heritage, or Irving Mendelbaum to give him a Jewish heritage. "But the indian keeps the feathers, regardless of what we call him," Littlefield said.

When given the news about the trade, Congdon, pictured above, howled toward the sky like a wolf. In a written statement, ushers Swayne and Roadhouse say they "flatly refuse to move to a rat-infested city like Pittsburgh."

PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE-REVIEW CITES THIS WEBSITE IN ITS "BEST OF THE BLOGS"

PITTSBURGH - Readers of this news source understand that if we stopped to acknowledge all of the accolades we receive, we would have precious little time to ferret out the truth. We make an exception to note that yesterday's Tribune-Review included this website in its "Best of the Blogs" column. Kudos to the Tribune-Review for exercising good taste by citing this website.

The Hon. Rufus Peckham

PHYSICAL THERAPIST ORDERS MAYOR TO INCREASE HAND STRENGTH BY SQUEEZING DICK SKRINJAR'S HEAD

FORTY REPETITIONS PER DAY ORDERED; MAYORAL SPOKESMAN TO REMOVE DENTURES TO AVOID INJURING MAYOR'S HANDS

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bob O'Connor's physical therapy has started, and his physical therapist wants him to increase the strength in his hands and forearms by squeezing mayoral spokesperson Dick Skrinjar's head forty times per day.

"Mr. Skrinjar's head is the ideal texture," said the Mayor's physical therapist, Bradleys Roadhouse. "It's firm, yet supple. It will provide exactly the right resistance."

Mayor O'Connor said he has no objection to the prescribed exercise. "When [the physical therapist] told me I had to squeeze [Skrinjar], I admit I was a little worried," the Mayor said. "I was much relieved when I learned it was only his head I'm supposed to squeeze."

FIRST TOPIC EVERY MORNING AT MAYOR O'CONNOR'S DAILY BRIEFING

"THERE, THERE, DENNIS -- JUST TELL ME WHO'S IN YOUR WAY TODAY, AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT."

STEELER NATION DESCENDS UPON LATROBE

CABINET SHAKE-UP IN PITTSBURGH: MAYOR WAS FED UP WITH PIE THROWING, SLAPPING, EYE GOUGING

"The mayor has been saddened and disappointed by the actions of some of his staff members in his absence. He had no choice but to terminate them." --Dick Skrinjar

SECRET MEMO: IF THE WORST OCCURS, DICK SKRINJAR PLANS TO COVER-UP MAYOR'S DEMISE IN ORDER TO KEEP HIS JOB

PITTSBURGH - A secret memorandum authored by Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar reveals that Skrinjar intends to maintain the pretense that Mayor Bob O'Connor is alive even if he should succumb before his term is up, and even if it requires Skrinjar "to personally murder, with my bare hands," members of O'Connor's staff, including director of intergovernmental affairs Dennis Regan, as well as O'Connor's wife Judy and O'Connor's son, a Roman Catholic priest, to keep the Mayor's death quiet. The memorandum details at great length and with gruesome and sadistic particulars the methods Skrinjar plans to use to eliminate each of the "potential obstacles."

The memorandum, entitled "Preservation of Mayoral Staff Positions in the Event of Mayor's Demise," sets forth a bold plan that would have Skrinjar "postpone" any announcement of the Mayor's death, and his funeral, until just after the Mayor's second term would have ended if he had survived, in 2014. It explains: "Such a postponement would have the salutary effect of preserving well-paying staff positions at the executive level, including that of the Mayoral spokesman, thus engendering much-needed stability in the governance of Pittsburgh."

The memorandum proceeds to outline a complicated procedure for accomplishing the grand ruse. "The Mayoral spokesman [Skrinjar] will, on a daily basis, create the impression in the media that the Mayor is diligently performing the duties of his office while working from the hospital. The spokesman will attribute direct quotes to the Mayor and, on occasion, advise the media that the Mayor paid a visit to his office in the City-County Building the previous night to sign papers and accomplish other necessary tasks."

The final portion of the memorandum is the most shocking. It first notes that the chief obstacle to carrying out Skrinjar's plan likely would be the Mayor's son, a Catholic priest. "Unfortunately, [the son] likely will not appreciate the beneficial utility to be served by this plan," the memorandum notes. "In that circumstance, we would have no choice but to remove the obstacle in whatever manner necessary." Others may also have to be "removed to allow this worthy plan to develop to full fruition." Over the next 16 pages, the memorandum proceeds to detail the ways the murders would be carried out with almost unspeakable sadism. (Further description of the horrifying contents of those pages would serve no legitimate journalistic purpose. -- Editor.)

When Skrinjar was confronted with the memorandum, he insisted it was a joke."Haven't we all written memos pretending we were going to murder a group of people, and described how we supposedly planned to go about it, just for a laugh? I'll bet every person in this room has done that, and probably multiple times. If that memo were serious, I'd be some kind of monster." Skrinjar awkwardly cleared his throat and proceeded to launch into his daily briefing and explained that Mayor O'Connor is diligently performing the duties of his office while working from the hospital, and that the Mayor paid a visit to his office in the City-County Building last night to sign papers and accomplish other necessary tasks.

Tagline: "Something beyond comprehension is happening to a group of people on this street, in this building . . ."

RADIO SHACK ROBBERY THWARTED WHEN THIEF WAS DELAYED GIVING CLERK HIS ZIP CODE

PLEASANT HILLS, Pa. - A robbery at Radio Shack in Century III Mall was thwarted this morning when police arrived while the thief was still in the store. Police say that the 54-year old thief, Nate Roadhouse of Mount Lebanon, was delayed in fleeing because the store's clerk wouldn't let him go until Roadhouse told him his zip code.

"Rules is rules," said the clerk, 43-year old Carlo Sambonia. "I had no problem giving the crook all the loot from the cash register, but Radio Shack is very strict that no transaction can be closed without first getting a zip code."

Police say that Roadhouse's new zip code is 15219 -- that of the County Jail.

MR. NUTTING WANTS TO MAKE PNC PARK OUTING A GAY EXPERIENCE

PITTSBURGH - Last Wednesday, G. Ogden Nutting, the formerly reclusive controlling owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, came out -- to PNC Park, that is, surprising members of the local media by prancing through the press box, throwing handfuls of confetti and delivering a non-stop barrage of bawdy jokes laced with doube entendres. Nutting even jumped into the lap of shocked Tribune Review Pirates beat writer Rob Rossi and asked him, "Don’t you think we need more switch hitters on this team?”

Nutting now says he doesn't intend to slink back into hiding but is prepared to move ahead full throttle to put his mark on his team. Nutting said that the Pirates would experiment with new uniforms. "On the road, the players will wear special patches to show the world who we are." Nutting hopes that the placement of the patches will draw attention to what he called "the team's most valuable assets."

Nutting said it is his dream that every boy who comes to PNC Park will want to come out -- to PNC Park again.

FEDERAL AGENTS SAY DONNA MOONDA CONSPIRED TO KILL HUSBAND DR. GULAM MOONDA AND STEELER QB BEN ROETHLISBERGER

A VIDEO ALSO SHOWS HER HAVING DRINKS WITH JORAN VAN DER SLOOT SHORTLY BEFORE NATALEE HOLLOWAY'S DISAPPEARANCE IN ARUBA

PITTSBURGH - Federal agents say Donna Moonda, the widow of Mercer County physician Dr. Gulam Moonda who was gunned down on the Ohio Turnpike last year, conspired with her ex-lover Damian Bradford to kill her husband. They also say she conspired with Squirrel Hill motorist Martha Fleishman to mow down Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who was struck by Mrs. Fleishman's vehicle last June on Second Avenue while driving his motorcycle.

Gregory A. White, U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Ohio, said Federal agents are examining evidence that Mrs. Moonda also may have been involved in the disappearance last year of teenager Natalee Holloway in Aruba. Moonda was seen having drinks with Joran van der Sloot and his father shortly before Ms. Holloway disappeared. "It seems this Moonda dame's got more conspiracies going than Dealey Plaza," White said.

JIM RODDEY'S FIRM AWARDED LICENSE TO SERVE AS SLOT MACHINE FRUIT INSPECTOR

FORMER ALLEGHENY COUNTY COMMISSIONER SAYS LICENSE "NOT A BOONDOGGLE"

PITTSBURGH - The Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board has awarded former Allegheny County Commissioner Jim Roddey's firm, New Century Entertainment, a license to serve as slot machine fruit inspector for the Commonwealth's soon-to-be-launched gaming parlors. Pennsylvania will be the only state in the nation with such fruit inspectors.

Roddey lashed out at critics who claim the law creating the licenses is a boondoggle for well-connected Pennsylvanians that adds no value to the gaming process. "They couldn't be any more wrong," Roddey said. "When I look at a slot machine, I see lemons, strawberries and oranges. And if I see three of the same fruit in a row, I won't be needing this job," he joked. "But the point is, it's fruit, no matter how you slice it. And fruit needs to be inspected."

Roddey concedes that the Gaming Control Board was impressed by the fact that his firm has several minority representatives who will perform day-to-day fruit inspections. "That's right," Roddey said. "We have three or four fruits on staff. Who better to inspect fruit than an actual fruit?"

Roddey is spearheading efforts to stave off legislation to terminate the fruit inspector licenses. "OK, I concede the whole thing's a boondoggle," he sighed. "But the minute some slot machine sneaks into the Commonwealth carrying bacterial fruit blotch or black rot, don't come crying to me if you do away with the licenses."

PNC THREE PLAZA TO BE WORLD'S LARGEST "GREEN BUILDING"

PNC CHAIRMAN JIM ROHR PRIVATELY WONDERS, "WHAT THE HELL'S A 'GREEN BUILDING'?"

CIA SAYS AL-QAEDA ATTACK ON GOLF LEGEND BYRON NELSON, 94, WAS "INEVITABLE"

ROANOKE, Texas - A package sent to the home of golf legend Byron Nelson, 94, was detonated by a bomb squad after his wife and police believed the parcel looked suspicious, and CIA Director Michael V. Hayden said it likely was the work of al-Qaeda.

Nelson has long been considered the prime target of the al-Qaeda terrorist network "because he represents everything good about golf, and thus America," said Hayden. "Mr. Nelson won five majors, and an annual PGA event is named after him, so an al-Qaeda attack on him was inevitable."

Osama bin Laden has expressly mentioned Nelson in each of his post-9-11 harangues against Western culture. In his last speech he called on good Muslims everywhere to "behead and skillet" the grand old man of golf "and send him to that 18th hole in the sky." The hatred against Nelson is so intense that "Kill Byron Nelson" day is an underground holiday widely celebrated across the Middle East every February 4th, Nelson's birthday. Most businesses are closed that day, and children make "Kill Byron Nelson" piñatas sporting Nelson's likeness. The piñatas are broken open with golf clubs while the children sing songs celebrating Nelson's demise.

Nelson seems to relish all the attention, in his low-key manner. "It ain't bad," he smiled, "considering I haven't won a tournament in 55 years."

TRAVEL HOTSPOT: CRIMINALS ON THE LOOSE ARE ALWAYS "AT LARGE" -- LARGE, PENNSYLVANIA 15025

LAW BREAKERS LURED TO LARGE BY TAX BREAKS "AND NO QUESTIONS ASKED" IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN TOWN'S "CLAIM TO FAME"

LARGE, Pa - At the old Large Hotel, no one knows for sure how it started. But for as long as anyone can remember -- in fact, for better than 100 years -- this sleepy Pennsylvania hamlet, population 2,401, some 25 miles directly south of Pittsburgh just off PA Route 51, has made itself a refuge for criminals the world over. The name of the town is synonymous with offering sanctuary to law breakers. When TV news anchors report that a criminal is "at Large," what they mean is the town of Large, Pennsylvania, zip code 15025.

Large Mayor Bradleys Roadhouse explains: "Large offers many advantages to persons that most everybody else calls 'criminals.' We don't like that word. We like to call these folks 'legally challenged.' Among other things, we offer the legally challenged favorable tax breaks and, most important, no questions asked. Frankly, having these no-goods flock to our little corner of paradise is Large's claim to fame, kind of like cars are to Detroit, and we don't want to do anything that might upset that."

But some citizens see clear disadvantages to the policy of welcoming the worst elements of society. "For one thing, I'm in constant fear for my life," said resident Emil Tanaka. "How's that for a disadvantage? Murder, theft and rape are rampant here. No insurance company will insure me. We have the highest crime rate in the world. Do you want me to continue?" he asks.

But Mayor Roadhouse dismisses what he calls "the bellyaching" about the town's crime rate. "Look at it this way. Lots of folks in Pittsburgh used to complain about the smog. Well, one day they closed all the steel mills, and the smog went away. But guess what? Everybody would love to have that smog back because it would mean the mills would be reopened. The fact is, Large will have to put up with a little murder and rape if it wants to stay on the map."

GLOBETROTTERS LOSE TWELVE IN A ROW TO EXHIBITION "PATSIES" NEW YORK NATIONALS

BASKETBALL CLOWNS HUMILIATED NATIONALS ONCE TOO OFTEN. "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN! WE'RE BECOMING THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES," CRIES GLOBETROTTERS' COACH.

New York - The hapless New York Nationals, the perennial patsies and "straight men" to the clown princes of basketball, the Harlem Globetrotters, had lost 5,742 consecutive exhibition games to the Globetrotters dating to the days when the Nationals were called the Washington Generals.

But three weeks ago in Boston, the Globetrotters' clowning finally got to the Nationals. "The Nationals snapped," cried a stunned Bradleys Roadhouse, coach of the Globetrotters. Each of the next twelve games have been humiliations for the Globetrotters, none more so than last Friday's debacle in St. Louis when the Nationals won by an astounding 138-24. Globetrotter fans openly wept as they left the arena. "Maybe we humiliated the Nationals a little too much and now it's payback time," conceded Roadhouse.

"Let's see how funny they are now," said Nationals' captain Pierre Knox after the game. "They were oh-so amusing when we were letting them win. Well, those days are over."

Throughout their win streak, the Nationals have insisted that the Globetrotters play by the rules - perhaps for the first time ever - and the Globetrotters' clowning has resulted in a record number of fouls.

But Roadhouse is indignant that the referees are, in his view, "manufacturing violations" just to beat the Globetrotters. "Damn it," he said, "they're making up words, like 'traveling,' and 'double-dribbling.' And since when is it against the rules for players to bring ladders and other mildly amusing props onto the court?"

Roadhouse admitted that his team is "alarmed" over rumors that New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is considering buying the Globetrotters. Steinbrenner has privately told friends he would "clean house" and would even bring in former Yankee Manager Billy Martin, who died in 1989, to coach. "Billy's the guy I turn to when things need fixed," Steinbrenner told one associate.

But what depresses Roadhouse most is that "this great team, which has brought joy to Popes and the common man alike by winning with humor, is becoming --" he can barely bring himself to utter the words -- "the Pittsburgh Pirates."

POLICE EXPLAIN HOW BUCKSHOT GOT IN ROETHLISBERGER'S FANNY

VICE PRESIDENT FIRED ON STEELER QB, CAUSING MOTORCYLE ACCIDENT THAT NEARLY KILLED BIG BEN

PIRATES TRADE GUTS OF TEAM FOR EIGHT MEN FROM CORNFIELD

GM LITTLEFIELD: NO TRUTH TO RUMOR THAT NEW PLAYERS WERE BANNED FROM BASEBALL IN "BLACK" SOX GAMBLING SCANDAL OF 1919PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates this morning announced a stunning trade that will send Freddy Sanchez, Jason Bay, Zach Duke, Sean Casey, Jose Castillo, Jack Wilson, Jose Bautista and Ronny Paulino to an undisclosed team that General Manager Dave Littlefield said plays in a ballpark next to an Iowa cornfield, in exchange for eight unnamed players.

Littlefield refused to discuss how the deal came about, but persons who asked not to be identified told this news source that Littlefield had been hearing a disembodied "voice" for the past several weeks that instructed him to make the trade.

Littlefield was tight-lipped about the players the Pirates are acquiring but hinted that one of them has a lifetime batting average of .356 and doesn't like to wear shoes.

The eight Pirates being traded were taken to Iowa this morning in a van operated by two men who resemble actors Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones.

NINE CHILDREN OF WOMAN MAULED BY NINE WOLVES STILL CAN'T BE LOCATED

CHILDREN VANISHED AT TIME WOLVES APPEARED; LOCAL GYPSIES CLAIM FULL MOON TO BLAME

BLUE MAN GROUP WANTED FOR BANK ROBBERY SPREE; EXPLODING BLUE DYE PACKS HIDDEN IN CASH PROVE INEFFECTIVE TO STOP THEM

LAS VEGAS - Las Vegas entertainers The Blue Man Group are wanted in a series of bank robberies throughout Nevada. Police say the exploding blue dye packs that banks insert in stolen money are ineffective to stop them.

In theory, when the dye pack explodes, it is supposed to stain the robber, making it easy to identify him.

But when the dye pack explodes on the Blue Man Group, no one even notices, and they walk away undetected. After one recent robbery in downtown Las Vegas, the dye pack exploded seconds after members of the Blue Man Group stepped outside the bank, spewing blue ink all over them. Nevertheless, they continued to walk the streets as if nothing happened, and tourists and passers-by even stopped them for their autographs.

The inability to nab the crooks has left police seeing red and feeling blue.

WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA CONSERVANCY SUES TO VOID CONTRACT FOR HOUSE IT PURCHASED DUE TO WATER IN BASEMENT

ABU GHRAIB PYRAMID TO HEADLINE LAS VEGAS CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW CALLED "PRISONNIER"

MAKE A DATE EVERYDAY WITH THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL

LIFELESS MUG OF HARD-BOILED WRITER MICKEY SPILLANE FOUND FACE-DOWN IN PRE-DAWN, MID-SUMMER RAIN, TEETH FLOATING DOWN SEWER

DEATH OF POPULAR MYSTERY WRITER WILL NOT BRING END TO HIS STYLE, THIS WEBSITE VOWS

PALLBEARERS SELECTED FOR FUNERAL OF HOOTERS' CHAIRMAN ROBERT BROOKS

COMPANY'S MEMO TO PALLBEARERS LISTS DUTIES AS "INTERACTING WITH MOURNERS BY UTILIZING YOUR FEMININE SEX APPEAL, WHICH INCLUDES HUMOR LACED WITH SEXUAL INNUENDO."

CORRECTION OF PREVIOUS STORY: ISRAEL HAMMERS LEBANON

ISRAEL HAMMERS MOUNT LEBANON

COWBOYS' KEITH DAVIS SHOT ON DALLAS HIGHWAY; MRS. KENNEDY UNHARMED

BLEIER BOMBS IN IRAQ: "FEEL GOOD" MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH DOESN'T CUT IT AT SUICIDE BOMBER SEMINAR

TEHRAN - Former Pittsburgh Steeler running back Rocky Bleier, who travels around the world delivering motivational speeches designed to show how ordinary people can do extraordinary things, blamed his agent for booking him to appear before a suicide bomber seminar at Tehran’s Khajeh Nasir University today. Mohammed Ali, a spokesman for Martyrdom Seekers, the group that organized the on-campus seminar, was unimpressed with Bleier. “We had him come on right after a thirty minute video montage of suicide attacks against Israeli settlements. The crowd was in a state of total rapture. Then he starts with the Vietnam thing. You could just feel the air go out of the room,” said Ali.

Bleier, who “sees parallels between his past challenges and the challenges all business people face in today’s competitive environment,” described the experience as a “similar to my broadcasting days at WIIC [Channel 11 in Pittsburgh]. In other words,” he said, “it was a total disaster.” Bleier said he was unable to reconcile the students' desire to die for God with his irrepressible drive to become an integral part of the "Super Steelers" dynasty of the 1970’s. “I tried explaining to them how the unity of purpose that helped our team to win four championships in six years could help them achieve their own goals, like destroying Israel, or obtaining nuclear weapons, or landing that dream job. But everything was 'Zionist this' and 'Zionist that.' They were a tough crowd.”

Bleier agreed to waive his usual speaking fee in return for his life and safe passage out of the country. He said he planned on looking for a new agent “as soon as I stop shaking.” The Martyrdom Seekers are hosting a mixer this Friday afternoon at the Ayatollah Khomeini Student Union from four o’clock to six o’clock. Anyone interested in entering Paradise in multiple pieces is asked to attend.

ROETHLISBERGER IS BACK -- AND HE'S EVERYWHERE: THE ESPY AWARDS, A GOLF TOURNAMENT, AND EVEN AL-JAZEERA

DUBAI - Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has recovered from a near-fatal motorcycle accident and, as if the accident never occurred, he's on a whirlwind tour of high-profile television appearances. First he made a surprise visit to the ESPY awards in Los Angeles earlier in the week.

Next, Big Ben popped up playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

And this morning, Al-Jazeera Television aired a tape obtained from Iraqi militant group Hell's Brigade showing hostage Robert Haines, an American contractor, surrounded by five unidintified hostage takers -- and Roethlisberger. The Steeler quarterback is pictured in the photograph above, third from the left.

"The Al-Jazeera deal was too good to turn down," said Roethlisberger's agent, Colonel Tom Parker.

The Steelers issued a statement emphasizing that the third year quarterback "did not participate in activities involving torture or, for that matter, any activity contrary to the Steelers' philosophy. He merely stood there, next to the evildoers."

But Coach Bill Cowher expressed concern about Roethlisber's appearance with the terrorists. "I'm certainly alarmed," said Cowher. "Despite all my preaching and regardless of everything that happened to him, I understand that Ben was seen riding in an Iraqi Jeep without a helmet," said Cowher.

LOCAL MAN RECOVERING FROM ANOTHER DICK CHENEY MISFIRE: "CHENEY'S AIM AT URINAL JUST AS POOR AS WHEN HE HUNTS QUAIL"

"MY PANTS WERE RUINED," SAYS MAN STANDING NEXT TO VEEP.

U.N SECURITY COUNCIL TO SANCTION IRANIAN PRESIDENT FOR VIOLATION OF U.N. DRESS CODE

NEW YORK - The five permanent members of the U.N Security Council reached an agreement this morning on a statement demanding that the President of Iran “immediately cease wearing his windbreaker and open neck sport shirts and put on a necktie when performing his duties as head of state.”

The Security Council also insisted that the Iranian President destroy his stockpile of leisure suits, polyester pants and platform shoes within thirty days.

Secretary General Koffi Annan said he was authorized to impose a five hundred dollar a day fine on President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad until he lets French fashion inspectors examine the contents of his closets to ensure that he has complied with the U.N. directive.

When President Ahmadinejad, who campaigned for President of Iran by pledging to “make every day casual day in Iran,” was informed of the punishment meted out by the Security Council, he became visibly angry. “This is why I need a nuclear weapon,” he said to several members of his security detail.

Secretary General Koffi Annan said President Ahmadinejad has been warned repeatedly about his wardrobe, and the consequences for failing to adhere to the universally accepted standard of dress for world leaders. The only world leader remaining from the days when non-traditional attire was deemed acceptable is Fidel Castro, who was granted a special exemption from the new regulations.

“The Security Council will reconvene in ten days to review this matter,” said Annan. He refused to say whether the fifteen members of the council would authorize military force to impose a makeover, or at least a decent haircut. “We’ll wait for special envoy Mr. Blackwell’s report before making any final decisions,” he said.

ROME'S RUINS BEING RUINED

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO MAINTAIN THE LOOK OF DILAPIDATION?" SAYS COLOSSEUM'S ARCHITECT

ROME - The archaeological treasures emblematic of the Eternal City, the fabled ancient ruins of Rome, are in serious danger of being ruined, concludes a year-long study. The ruins are the victims of wear and tear caused by abusive tourists blissfully ignorant of their history.

"Every piece of the Colosseum needs restoration," said Piero Meogrossi, the architect in charge of Italy's most popular tourist attraction. "People don't realize how difficult it is to maintain that look of dilipidation, of ruination. It doesn't just happen naturally, you know; we've had to work very, very hard at it." Meogrossi asked this news source to print the words "very, very" from the last sentence in all capital letters, and we agreed we would.

Meogrossi claims that before the tourists started to overrun the ruins in the '90's, "the Colosseum looked brand-spanking new, like Jacobs Field in Cleveland." He gestured sadly toward the proud old structure. "Look at it now," he sighs. "Scuff marks, gum and graffiti with lewd comments -- unspeakably lewd comments."

Meogrossi pauses but can't help but ask: "Speaking of graffiti, who in the hell is this Allison from Pittsburgh I keep reading about on the restroom walls? I understand this Allison from Pittsburgh really 'puts out.' Do you know her?" He pulls out a sheet of paper. "I copied down her phone number," he explained, "and in the interest of getting to the bottom of this whole business, I might just call this Allison from Pittsburgh."

Meogrossi shrugs his shoulders. "Who knows? Some good might come of these wretched tourists after all."