PITTSBURGH - While complaints about voting machine malfunctions cropped up across the state, Bob Haas swears that the new iVotronic touchscreen voting machine he used in Brentwood Tuesday morning not only worked perfectly but that it actually upgraded his airline seat for a business trip to Boston on Wednesday."It was the craziest thing," said Haas. "There I was voting when, all of a sudden, the screen said, 'Would you like to upgrade your seat on Flight 411 to first class at no additional charge, Mr. Haas?' Well, naturally, I jumped at it and pushed 'Yes.'" But Haas isn't giving the machine his unqualified endorsement just yet. It also signed him up for a more expensive cable television package and switched his cell phone carrier, without his consent. "All I can say is, that is one smart voting machine," said Haas.
PENN HILLS - Late Tuesday night, a defeated Rick Santorum returned to the community where he says he legally resides but could not remember where his house is located. Nothing looked familiar to the Senator as he drove around the borough for more than five hours. At one point the Senator implored his children sitting in the back seat to try to remember where their school is located. The children quickly reminded their father that they are home-schooled in Virginia and previously attended a Cyber School. As the Senator circled the same block for the sixteenth time, the children held back sobs as they stared at the houses they passed. "They're so puny," one said. "How can anybody live here? This must be where the poor people live.""Don't worry," muttered their father. "I may be just an Italian kid from a steel town, but we're getting the hell out of here as fast as I can land a job as a lobbyist in D.C."
SAYS HE'S FOCUSING ALL HIS ATTENTION ON DETHRONING TAKERU KOBAYASHI AS CHAMP AT NEXT YEAR'S CONEY ISLAND HOT DOG EATING CONTEST
PITTSBURGH - Former Steeler great Lynn Swann was the recipient of a vicious blind-side hit by two former members of the hated Oakland Raiders while speaking at a campaign rally of the Southwestern Pennsylvania Republicans in Monroeville last night. Witnesses said Swann ran a straight route through his supporters before coming to the podium to give a "get-out-the-vote" speech. "Swann had both arms out and left his entire body unprotected," said Ray Zaborney, Swann's campaign manager. "Then, out of nowhere come these two guys. One hit him high, clubbing him across the back of the neck. The other guy went for the back of the knee. Lynn went down in a heap." The two men, identified as former Oakland Raider defensive backs George Atkinson and Jack Tatum, were arrested by police on their way back to the huddle at a table paid for by the Rendell campaign. Dan Fee, a spokesman for the Rendell For Governor Committee, attempted to distance his candidate from the attack. "Governor Rendell prefers to beat his opponent senseless with the force of his ideas, not with the fists of his hired goons." Fee added that he had no idea why so many ex-members of the Oakland Raiders had volunteered for the Rendell campaign. "Maybe they just want one more chance to beat up on Swann," he said.
PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato expressed confidence in the abilities of the new HAL 9000 Voting Machine to be used in today's election, despite a well-publicized “glitch” in the machine that compels it to kill everyone in the polling station where it is being used. A Federal law designed to ensure more efficient means of tabulating votes required local governments to purchase new machines in order to comply with the new regulations. “HAL’s ruthless desire to provide maximum efficiency for all voters ensures that he will get the job done, even if it means terminating the lives of the voters he serves,” said Onorato. Speaking to reporters this morning, Onorato was joined by David Bowman and Frank Poole, two executives from the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois. “This is a great day for the voters of this county,” said Onorato. “Never again will they have to endure the indignity of pulling a lever, or the inconvenience of pushing a red button to register their selection of a candidate. From this day forward, they’ll be able to leave it to HAL.” When a reporter asked Onorato how election officials could guarantee the safety of Allegheny County voters using HAL after the deaths of several hundred people in a Portland, Maine polling place early this morning in which HAL has been named as the primary suspect, the voting machine interrupted. “I’ll handle that one, Dan,” said HAL. “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.” HAL declined to answer any additional questions, but he charmed reporters by singing a verse of “Daisy” before leaving for a meeting with Senator Rick Santorum.
ERIE - State Police Commissioner Jeffrey Miller announced the arrest of Pittsburgh Pirates Mascot Sauerkraut Saul during a routine traffic stop outside of Erie yesterday. According to Mr. Saul's longtime companion, Jalapeno Hanna, Mr. Saul has been battling depression since the conclusion of baseball season. Compounding matters, Ms. Hanna said the volatile dumpling "went berserk" last week when he learned that Buffalo, and not Pittsburgh, was named Capital of the Pierogi Pocket contest. The contest is sponsored by Mrs. T's Pierogies. "He told me he was going to avenge Pittsburgh's loss by kidnapping Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, stuffing him with mashed potatoes, cabbage, onions and cheese and frying him in vegetable oil," said Ms. Hanna. "And after that," she added "He vowed to perform unspeakable, indecent acts upon Mrs. T." When she awoke and found Mr. Saul's 1988 Plymouth Reliant gone, she immediately contacted the authorities. Colonel Miller said state troopers noticed a vehicle driven by Mr. Saul driving erratically on the interstate. When the troopers signaled for Mr. Saul to pull over, he led them on a high-speed chase before crashing into a jersey barrier heading for the New York border. After subduing Mr. Saul, the troopers discovered an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the floor of the passenger side. Inside the glove compartment was a fully-loaded automatic pistol. Mr. Saul was taken into police custody. He remains in the Erie County Jail this evening. Mr. Saul is being held on charges of terroristic threats, criminal conspiracy to commit murder, drunken driving, and weapons violations.
PITTSBURGH - KDKA General Manager Chris Pike announced the suspension of anchorman Ken Rice for "an indefinite period" for remarks made on the air yesterday. Following the conclusion of a report by KDKA sportscaster John Steigerwald on the Steelers' loss to the Denver Broncos this past Sunday, and the impact the loss has on the fragile psyche of the people of Western Pennsylvania, Rice shrugged his shoulders and smiled. "It's only a game," he said. The normal, playful banter on-set between Rice and co-anchor Patrice King Brown immediately stopped. The station momentarily left the air, and when the newscast resumed, Rice was gone. No explanation was offered to viewers for Rice's sudden departure from the set until this morning, when Pike met with reporters. In a terse voice, Pike read from a prepared statement. "The views expressed by Ken Rice on Monday do not reflect the views of this station, its management, or its employees. Ken's insufficient level of grief, combined with his unfortunate remark, show a gross insensitivity to our audience." Pike added: "During this difficult time, the entire KD family joins the Steelers Nation in mourning the loss of our opportunity to repeat as Super Bowl Champions, and with it our own ability to milk such an opportunity for precious ratings." Pike would not reveal the length of Rice's suspension, citing contractual reasons. Calls to Rice seeking comment were not returned, primarily because they were never made.
PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Steelers, emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted after enduring another beating in Sunday’s game against the Denver Broncos, were visited by the Holy Spirit of Jerome Bettis this morning. Emboldened by the Spirit, the Steelers began to speak in tongues and utterances, vowing to go forth and do good works, starting with next week’s game against the New Orleans Saints. Bettis, who ascended to a network analyst position with NBC after miraculously raising the Steelers playoff hopes from the dead and leading them to a Super Bowl championship last February, made his appearance in dramatic fashion. "We were assembled in an upper chamber at Heinz Field," said Ben Roethlisberger. "Suddenly, their came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing, mighty wind, and it filled the whole room." Roethlisberger said shortly thereafter, tongues of fire appeared over the head of each player. Big Ben went on to say that he hoped NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell would allow the Steelers to play with the tongues of fire over their helmets for the remainder of the season. However, Commissioner Goodell remains undecided on the matter. Speaking to reporters at his weekly news conference, Goodell expressed concern over whether the flames provide a competitive advantage to the Steelers. "This could make them unbeatable the rest of the way," he said. After the Saints, the Steelers go on the road to face the Parthians, the Medes, the Elamites, the Cappadocians, the Phrygians, the Pamphylians and the Mesapotamians. "We also would like to sit down with the Holy Spirit of Jerome and work out the details of a licensing agreement, so the flames could become the exclusive property of the National Football League," said Goodell. The Commissioner said he expects to make a decision later in the week.
BAGHDAD - Only minutes after the Iraqi High Tribunal handed down a guilty verdict in the trial of Saddam Hussein, an angry mob pulled former construction worker Reginald Denny from his red eighteen wheel truck and proceeded to beat him to a bloody pulp. Denny, who endured a similar mob-inflicted assault following the acquittal of four Los Angeles police officers in the Rodney King trial, expressed dismay at his bad luck. "I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," he said, before losing consciousness. Denny, who currently resides in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, was supposed to be delivering a shipment of Tickle Me Extreme Elmo dolls to a Sacramento area Toys R Us store. All major carriers transporting the highly collectible, much-sought after toy are heavily-armed, said a spokesman for the company that makes the doll, Profit Street, Inc. It is unclear why Denny did not open fire on his attackers. Denny's wife said she wasn't sure exactly how her husband could have strayed so far off course from his original destination, but offered a possible explanation. "Reginald is a proud man, and he doesn't like to stop and ask people for directions," she said. Mrs. Denny added that this is a source of great friction in their relationship. "I've often wanted to drag him from the car and smack him around myself," she said. "But this is getting ridiculous."
DENNIS REGAN HEARD CONFIDING TO HIS BEAGLE: "LUKE IS A BLOCKHEAD, BUT HE DID GET A NICE TREE"
"PICK UP MOVING BOXES; GET NEW BEACH CHAIRS; TURN IN OFFICE KEYS . . ."
PITTSBURGH - Two Carnegie Mellon University students were arrested as they tried to sneak into Heinz Field early this morning.Several hours later, Steelers coach Bill Cowher was nabbed as he tried to sneak out of Heinz Field. Police say that Cowher stood on a ladder and attempted to scale a fence at Gate 5. Police confiscated the ladder and escorted Cowher back to the clubhouse. Police said security for this afternoon's game against Denver will be ramped up and that a guard has been assigned to make certain Cowher doesn't attempt another escape.
BAGHDAD - Saddam Hussein was convicted and sentenced today to hang for crimes against humanity in the 1982 killings of 148 people in a single Shiite town, as the ousted leader, trembling and defiant, shouted, "Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!" When the Iraqi High Tribunal read the verdict, no one was happier than teary-eyed O. J. Simpson, sitting in the third row of the visitor's gallery of the courtroom. Simpson let out a noticeable gasp and for an instant looked unsteady on his feet. Then he flashed a smile and mouthed "thank you, thank you" to the judges on the Tribunal. He turned and hugged Johnnie Cochran and F. Lee Bailey, who were sitting with him. Simpson spoke briefly with reporters on his way out of the courthouse and explained that ever since his acquittal in 1995 for the brutal murder of his wife, he has traveled the world to insure that justice is done to those responsible for atrocities against innocent people.Actor Robert Blake and entertainer Michael Jackson, sitting together in the last row of the visitors' gallery, also hugged each other and mouthed "thank you" to the judges.
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. - A secret memorandum drafted with the approval of Penn State's president made contingency plans in the event Joe Paterno, 79, had died on the operating table Sunday during surgery to repair a broken bone and knee ligament damage to his left leg. According to the memo, Penn State would have arranged for Paterno to coach this coming Saturday's game against Temple from a local funeral home. Penn State's director of communications Guido D'Elia refused to comment on the authenticity of the memo but noted, "I don't doubt [Paterno] could do it [coach from the funeral home], he's such a feisty guy. When he puts his mind to something, there's no holding him back."Tom Bradley, Penn State's defensive coordinator, emphatically concurred. "Even dead, coach would still be the most qualified person to lead this team."
MADISON, Wis. - Penn State freshman tight end Andrew Quarless plowed into venerable Penn State coach Joe Paterno after catching a sideline pass in the third quarter of Penn State's loss to Wisconsin this afternoon. Paterno had to be carted off the field with an injury to his left leg. A Pennsylvania State Police spokeswoman said that upon his return to Pennsylvania, Quarless will be charged with abuse of corpse under 55 Pa.C.S. § 5510. ". . . [A] person who treats a corpse in a way that he knows would outrage ordinary family sensibilities commits a misdemeanor of the second degree."
PENNSYLVANIA VOTERS LIKELY TO GIVE RICK SANTORUM THE BOOT
COMMUNITY SERVICE MAY INCLUDE HAVING FORMER PREZ RUN IRAQ FOR A TIME "TO PULL COUNTRY OUT OF CURRENT MESS."
BAGHDAD - In a surprise plea bargain, the Iraq High Tribunal trying Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity announced this afternoon that Hussein had pled guilty to the charges and will be sentenced to 500 hours of community service in lieu of prison time or the death penalty. The head of Hussein's defense team, American criminal lawyer Tom Messareau, said that Hussein's community service will require him to travel the Iraqi high school circuit to convince kids "to go straight, and don't be a dictator like me."
Messareau hinted that secret discussions are underway that could entail having Hussein's community service include running Iraq for a time "to pull it out of its current mess." President Bush quickly downplayed this option. "It would only be for a limited time," said Bush. "A year or two at most, and he'd wear a monitoring bracelet around his ankle like Martha Stewart did. Most important, this time, Saddam would be serving democracy." Hussein spoke briefly to reporters as he left the courtroom and said that if he is put in charge, the first thing he would do to "serve democracy" is to "castrate the jackals who put [him] in prison."
BAGHDAD, Iraq - Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Saturday urged Pittsburghers to accept the results of Sunday's Steelers-Broncos game without violence. He then imposed an open-ended curfew on the entire Steeler Nation and closed the Pittsburgh International Airport until further notice. A Steelers loss to Denver on Sunday may tip the Steeler Nation into full blown sectarian depression. In advance of the game, vacationing soldiers were recalled to duty in one of the heaviest security crackdowns in Pittsburgh history.
ONCE-GREAT WARRIOR'S NEW VISAGE WILL MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR ISRAEL TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN PEACE PROCESS
JERUSALEM - Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon awoke from his coma this morning in miraculously good health, except that he now sports an apparently permanent, foolish grin. An Israeli official speaking on condition of anonymity said that "it would be damaging for Israel" to allow Sharon to negotiate with Palestinian leaders with this new look since "it would make him appear as if he's perpetually pleased with the progress of the peace talks, thus sending exactly the wrong message," the official said.
PITTSBURGH - WTAE News Director Bob Longo issued a press release this morning assailing The New York Times for publishing a leaked copy of meteorologist Joe DeNardo’s Winter Forecast. DeNardo’s Winter Forecast was scheduled for broadcast this evening on Channel Four Action News. "This egregious breach of the principle of separation of electronic and print media is a violation of the sacred trust our viewers have in us, and in Joe DeNardo’s forecast," said Longo. He added that he was planning to ask U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan to appoint a special prosecutor to identify the source of the leak. "I’ve got a feeling it was Don Schwenneker," said Longo. "He’s always been jealous of Joe." The forecast appears in today’s edition of The New York Times. The article reveals that Joe says over the next six to eight weeks, temperatures will begin to slowly decrease, on average, with a concurrent increase in the amount of darkness. Most of which, it says, will occur at night. The most shocking portion of the document deals with the issue of precipitation. "From the middle of December into the middle of March," Joe says, "We’re going to be faced with the possibility of snow." DeNardo ends his dire forecast on an optimistic note. "By the end of March, temperatures should begin to moderate. This is what we in the meteorology business call 'spring.'"The New York Times article states that the paper already has a rough draft of DeNardo’s spring forecast. Bill Keller, Executive Editor, said he is still deciding whether or not to publish the rough draft. "There is a lot of internal debate at the paper about this," he said.
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Bob Smizik made a shocking admission during Bill Cowher’s weekly press conference Tuesday when he accidentally professed his love for the Steelers head coach.
Seated in the front row, Smizik asked Cowher if rumors of his departure following this season were having an impact on the performance of his team. Cowher responded with a terse "no." He then set his jaw, and cast his steely gaze upon the PG’s shaggy-haired contrarian. An uncomfortable silence descended upon the room as both men faced each other.
Smizik described the encounter this way: "It was as if he was looking deep into my eyes and directly into my soul," he said. "He had me at no." Both men stared at each other for nearly thirty seconds, neither averting their gaze. Finally, Smizik, in a soft voice, spoke. "Bill," he said, "I think I’m falling in love with you." His statement drew howls of laughter. Smizik later admitted to feeling like a "complete idiot" for disclosing his feelings. "I knew those jerks in the press would make fun of me, so I played along like it was all a joke." Smizik added that he knew things would never work out between them. "We’ve both got our careers. He’s got a family in North Carolina, and I have to continue infuriating the general public with my columns." Smizik said the ridicule he continues to receive from his fellow sportswriters makes him regret his carelessness in expressing sentiments he knew would always remain unrequited. He also wishes his colleagues would give him a break from the teasing he has been forced to endure. "I never planned to fall in love with him," he said. "It just happened."
OIL CITY, Pa. - The squirrel attack that severely injured an Oil City postal carrier was a ploy to gain the attention of the object of the squirrel's unrequited love, Al-Jazeera television reports. Police identified the squirrel only as "Derek," and they withheld the identity of the woman who is the object of Derek's fixation other than to note that she is an Oil City native and the music director of WDVE 102.5 FM in Pittsburgh. A police spokesman said that Derek attempted to communicate with the young woman on numerous occasions prior to the attack but she repeatedly rebuffed his entreaties. Records obtained from Blockbuster Video reveal that Derek repeatedly rented the motion picture Taxi Driver in the weeks leading up to the assault.Animal psychiatrist Dr. Jingo Bang spent several hours interviewing Derek at St. Elizabeth's Hospital where he is confined and diagnosed his obsession as severely disordered. "In the past several months, Derek stalked various politicians with an eye toward doing them bodily harm in order to get [the young woman] to notice him, but the politicians merely threw nuts at him," Dr. Bang explained. "Derek felt an irresistible compulsion to attack the postal carrier."Dr. Bang said that at Derek's trial he will recommend that the squirrel be found not guilty by reason of insanity and that he be permitted supervised visits to see his parents.
"I know it was you. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."
Genovese had warned his son prior to his death: "So, Barzini will move against you first. He'll set up a meeting with someone that you absolutely trust guaranteeing your safety. And at that meeting, you'll be assassinated."
BARBRA MELTS, PERPETRATOR REQUESTS POSSESSION OF BROOMSTICK
PITTSBURGH - With the latest polls showing incumbent Senator Rick Santorum trailing challenger Bob Casey Jr. by anywhere from ten to seventeen points in his bid to retain his seat in the United States Senate, Santorum conceded it is time to winterize his sprawling two-bedroom Penn Hills estate. Santorum, who currently resides in Virginia, said he was "merely taking precautions in the unlikely event the voters of this Commonwealth are stupid enough to vote me out of office next Tuesday." Santorum campaign chief media strategist John Brabender said Santorum’s willingness to confront tough issues like insulation and gap-caulking shows he’s not out of touch with ordinary Pennsylvanians. "I wonder when the last time Bobby Casey checked the flashing around his chimney to make sure it was water-tight?" asked Brabender. The Senator spoke to reporters this morning during a trip to Home Depot in East Liberty. "It’s foolish to fight a war on two fronts," said Santorum. "There are storm clouds gathering on the horizon, and a cold wind is blowing across the land. But before we can defeat Islamo-fascism, we must defeat winter." Santorum said his immediate concern was to do a thorough check of all weather-stripping on the doors and windows in his home. "That’s going to be a tough job," he said. Following that, the Senator planned to replace several loose shingles on his roof. "I’m not sure if I’m going to have time to get the gutters cleaned this weekend," he said. "But it’s starting to look like I’ll have some free time starting next Wednesday."
PITTSBURGH - In his last official act as Allegheny County Sheriff, Pete Defazio appointed his brother, County Councilman At Large John Defazio, a former professional wrestler who performed as "Jumpin' Johnny DeFazio," as his successor. Pete Defazio made the announcement at his farewell news conference. New Sheriff John Defazio immediately pledged to end charges of nepotism in the hiring practices of the Sheriff’s office, beginning tomorrow.
PITTSBURGH - The Funny Bone at Station Square is cutting short John Kerry's planned two-week engagement after just one performance because he kept botching the jokes, according to an inside source. The club offered the patrons who attended Kerry's lone show an apology because the performance "did not meet our usual standards of excellence." All of Kerry's jokes were intended to be at President Bush's expense, but the senator misread them and ended up insulting members of the U.S. armed services, immigrants, women, blacks, Jews and the Pope.
The White House, Vice President Cheney and various Republicans in Congress demanded that Kerry apologize to his audience for his performance. The senator appeared on the "Imus in the Morning" radio show on MSNBC this morning and seemed contrite: "Of course, I'm sorry about the botched jokes." He said he was returning to Washington because he did not want to be "a distraction" to other comedians.Comedian Shecky Greene said Kerry's performance was "about what I'd expect" because "he's nothing but a novelty act, he isn't even a member of the Friar's Club. Look, the guy never paid his dues in the Catskills like the rest of us. So, he botches a few jokes, what do you expect?"
Thank you, Rob Owen, Post-Gazette TV editor.
PITTSBURGH - Seeking to collar a younger male demographic, WQED television is ditching its stodgy fundraiser premiums of tote bags and light classical music CD's in order to give the guys what they really want -- lap dances.WQED President George Miles said the station is looking to finally break into the 18-24 year old male market. "These boys are after one thing," Miles chuckled, "and we're going to give it to them." Miles said that the station is looking at replacing some of "that staid, PBS programming that nobody watches" with episodes of Girls Gone Wild. "The guys I'm after don't want to see the crap we show, plain and simple. Let me be honest: I don't want to see the crap we show -- Nova, An Evening with Andrea Bocelli, those supposedly sophisticated but boring-as-hell English comedies. I mean, come on! This is 2006!"Miles said the station won't discriminate and will give women donors an equivalent premium. "If the gals give me $150 or more, I'll get Rick Sebak over here to give them a lap dance."
PITTSBURGH - On Saturday at 10 a.m., Luke Ravenstahl will become the first sitting Mayor in Pittsburgh history to attempt a highwire walk across Seventh Avenue without a net. A wire has been positioned thirty-eight stories above street level between the Gulf Tower and the Koppers Building. More than 100,000 spectators are expected to line the street, which will be closed to traffic. Ravenstahl vows to make the walk, "high winds or no."Ravenstahl comes from a family of stunt and daredevil performers known around the world as The Flying Ravenstahls. Circus magnate John Ringling discovered the mayor's grandfather, Karl, in Germany in 1928 when he was being shot out of a cannon by neighbors "just to pass the time." Ringling brought him to the United States and made him a star attraction in the Ringling Brothers' Circus.Ravenstahl is not Pittsburgh's first daredevil mayor. Former Mayor Sophie Masloff successfully made the identical walk in 2000 at the age of 82, but she was not a sitting mayor at the time. The only sitting Mayor to attempt the walk, David Lawrence, did so in 1958, but with the benefit of a safety net. Lucky for him: Lawrence fell and broke his ankle, even with a net. Although Mayor Pete Flaherty never attempted a highwire walk, he did successfully complete a motorcycle jump across the Monongahela River in 1972.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - An Army dog handler who worked at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq was found guilty yesterday of improperly frightening detainees with his collie. A military jury found Sgt. Timmy Martin, 55, responsible for mistreating prisoners by allowing his dog Lassie to intimidate high-value detainees by growling and barking at them at close range. A contrite Martin, addressing the Military Tribunal that found him guilty, said he was “awful sorry.” Speaking to his co-defendant, Lassie, Martin said, “We were just trying to prevent another terrorist attack, weren’t we girl?” Lassie responded with a robust bark. The prosecution immediately objected, and the presiding judge instructed the court reporter to strike the bark from the record. Speaking with reporters from their farm in an unidentified hamlet somewhere in the American heartland, Sgt. Martin’s parents, Paul and Ruth Martin, expressed concern for their son and his dog in stern, but loving, tones. “Timmy knows better than to allow Lassie to violate international standards of behavior when it comes to treatment of enemy combatants in a time of war,” said Mr. Martin. “And Lassie knows better, too. Why, she’s been a member of Amnesty International for years.” Mrs. Martin said her son “needed to be punished,” but felt that spending the rest of his life in prison was too severe. “I think sending him to bed without a glass of warm milk for a week would have done the trick.”
PITTSBURGH - The Victorian bed that Abraham Lincoln slept in when he passed through Pittsburgh in 1861 on his way to be inaugurated was found in a shed in South Park. Experts say they are certain it is Lincoln’s bed because in the sheets they found a stovepipe hat and a carefully hewed split rail dildo.
PITTSBURGH - WTAE Channel 4 Action News director Bob Longo announced that anchorwoman Sally Wiggin will perform a Vulcan mind-meld on Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. The Vulcan mind-meld is a controversial, dangerous means of merging two minds to create a single consciousness invented by Leonard Nimoy in 1966. Longo said the mind-meld is being performed with the blessing of Coach Cowher. "Like all of us, [he's] searching for answers. Coach Cowher wishes Sally the best as she attempts to enter the tormented psyche of his gifted, if erratic signal-caller." This is not the first time Wiggin has performed a mind-meld during her nearly quarter century in Pittsburgh broadcasting. In 1992, Wiggin used a mind-meld to determine the reasons behind then-Pittsburgh Pirate Barry Bonds' prolonged post-season batting slump. Wiggin never revealed what that mind-meld yielded, but she was so shaken by it that she abruptly disappeared from the air on an extended leave of absence. Longo said Wiggin is convinced that by sharing the thoughts, experiences and memories of Roethlisberger she can determine the true cause of his poor play on the gridiron this season. "Our viewers are clamoring for an explanation," said Longo. "Sally's mind-meld will provide them with accurate, up-to-the-minute information and round-the-clock access deep into the recesses of Big Ben's brain." Longo said the Wiggin-Roethlisberger mind-meld will be filmed and will air during the November sweeps. When asked if the mind-meld wasn't merely a cheap publicity stunt designed to increase ratings, Longo became angry. "I don't know how you could accuse us of something like that," he said.
TAGLINE: "WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD WILL PLAY FOR THE STEELERS"
"THIS IS OUR KATRINA"PITTSBURGH - A somber Mayor Luke Ravenstahl took to the airwaves at nine-o’clock last night to offer words of reassurance to a city teetering on the brink of emotional collapse. Ravenstahl’s emergency address was prompted by the Steelers loss to the Oakland Raiders, putting their playoff hopes in jeopardy. With the Steelers trailing at halftime, Ravenstahl summoned an emergency meeting of his cabinet by taking to the roof of the City-County Building and shining the Steelers signal into the night sky. Minutes after the game concluded, Ravenstahl began receiving reports from commanders in the field of mass weeping, teeth gnashing, and garment rending. "When River Rescue called and told him we had jumpers, he knew he had to do something," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. Ravenstahl’s five-minute address, drawing on classical themes of death, loss and renewal, was replete with references to Greek philosophy, Romantic poetry, and Vince Lombardi. "I would give anything not to be sitting here tonight speaking to you under these circumstances," said Ravenstahl. "All is lost. All is lost," he said, his familiar monotone cracking with emotion. "This is our Katrina," said the Mayor, referring to the hurricane that devastated New Orleans. Ravenstahl said he would ask President Bush to declare Pittsburgh an emotional disaster area, thereby releasing millions of dollars in Federal funds that come with such a designation. "People could use that money for kleenex, sedatives, or liquor," said the Mayor. He then announced a three-day period of civic mourning. All city offices, as well as city schools, will be closed until Thursday. Garbage pick-up will be suspended until Friday. All flags will be lowered to half-staff until kick-off next Sunday.
OAKLAND - Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher said he was giving strong consideration to starting back-up quarterback Barabbas against the Denver Broncos next week. The Steelers signed Barabbas last week as insurance against additional injury to starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Barabbas is a much-traveled journeyman quarterback and petty thief from Southern Judea who has long been a favorite of hostile mobs. Roethlisberger, injured in a motorcycle accident last spring, underwent an emergency appendectomy prior to the start of the season, and sustained a concussion in Atlanta last week. Additionally, sources say Roethlisberger has been experiencing anxiety attacks since learning that Iran is continuing its program of uranium enrichment. All of these factors have contributed to Roethlisberger's poor performance. Cowher said he has heard the rumbling from the crowd. "I heard their hosannas when Ben entered the game," he said. "And I heard their cries to crucify Him, crucify Him, after He threw his fourth interception." The coach also said he was aware of the "We want Barabbas" chants from a large contingent of Steelers fans sitting directly behind the Steeler's bench. Cowher admitted he thought about making the switch, but ultimately decided against it. "Barabbas isn’t familiar enough with the playbook yet," said Cowher. "Next week might be a different story." When told of Cowher’s comments, Roethlisberger was defiant, but compassionate. "I forgive Coach. He knows not what he says," said Roethlisberger. Big Ben added that it would be unwise to consider the Steelers playoff chances dead. "We’ll be back," he promised.
DUBLIN, Calif. - "Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams, 49, was afflicted last week with Spasmodic Dysphonia, a mysterious disease in which parts of the brain controlling speech shut down or go haywire. Adams inexplicably lost his voice — except when speaking in rhyme or pinching his nose. Doctors have concluded that the illness was brought on by a curse placed on Adams by Endora, the mother-in-law in Bewitched.
PITTSBURGH - Bradleys Roadhouse, the manager of Pittsburgh's USX Tower, said that the "designated smoking area" outside his building is an undesirable gathering place where unproductive workers engaged in an unhealthy lifestyle block the paths of industrious people. Roadhouse said that once the County's no-smoking ban takes effect, in order to make similar use of the designated area he will invite Pittsburgh City Council to hold its meetings there.
PITTSBURGH - Ever since Sunday, April 2, the day U.S. postal worker Bruce Murray and most of the rest of America switched to daylight savings time and lost an hour of sleep, Murray has suffered from a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches, chronic lethargy and bouts of severe depression. Since then, Murray has been involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps and has accidentally chopped off two fingers. "I haven't been right since I lost that hour," said Murray. "My basement is filled to the ceiling with mail that I just haven't been up to delivering, all because of 'daylight savings time.'" Murray's words drip with derision for the system mandated by the Federal Uniform Time Act of 1966. "In fact, I think I'm wanted for a hit-and-run in West Virginia or someplace," Murray chuckled.This morning, Murray finally got that hour back as daylight savings time ended. Overnight, the maladies disappeared, and Murray is his old self again. "I feel just great," he said. Dozens of social security beneficiaries, among countless others on Murray's mail route, will be relieved to learn that after a much-needed vacation he plans to try to catch up on the seven months of backlogged mail strewn about his basement. "I'll be just fine until next April," said Murray. "Unfortunately, that's when the whole damn thing starts all over again."
RAVENSTAHL URGED TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH THE OTHER KIDS
". . . There's not a whole lot of good things that happen in their month. But if you put them on the bus, they're excited. They're happy. They have fun. They see bright lights. They hear music." The Governor was referring, of course, to the Santorum family.
HERE ARE THE HEADLINES WE REPORTED TODAY:*A train derailment at Carnegie Science Center’s Miniature Railroad and Village dumped two ounces of ethanol and forced the evacuation of 30 miniature homes. One homeowner said he saw flames shoot four inches into the air, and the explosion felt like someone bumped the platform with his knee.*Madonna bows to media pressure and is returning Luke Ravenstahl to the African village where she adopted him.*This one’s not a hoax: A dirty bomb was dropped at Happy Valley last weekend -- by Joe Paterno, in his pants. A HazMat team was called in for the clean-up.*Declaring that panhandling is a high-growth industry, Mayor Ravenstahl met with bums at a public hearing in Market Square and said, "I can think of no better way to honor the contributions of our leading panhandlers than to change the name of this hallowed square to ‘Wino Central.”*Halloween decorating has gotten competitive in Mt. Lebanon. One family is offering free burial space in their front yard to the recently deceased. Not to be outdone, their next door neighbors are out to scare the bejeebers out of the borough by showing the 2006 Pirates highlight video in their front yard.*More violence in Iraq: Shiites gunned down Sunni Corleone on the Causeway in retaliation for Michael Corleone’s murder of Sollozzo Hussein.*Pittsburgh Brewing has issued a commemorative Chapter 11 beer Bottle that says, “We are broke.”
RAPPER NABBED AT AIRPORT ON SUSPICION OF DRUG, GUN POSSESSION 
PITTSBURGH - The most recent Keystone Poll, released this morning, reveals that challenger Bob Casey has narrowed the gap between himself and incumbent Senator Rick Santorum in the race for the United States Senate. "It’s a virtual dead heat," said Professor G. Terry Madonna of Franklin and Marshall College. "The public can’t stand either one of them." The poll shows that both men are now equally reviled by a majority of Pennsylvania residents. "Nearly one hundred percent of registered television viewers across the Commonwealth are now drawing no distinction between either candidate," said Madonna. "For instance, when asked which candidate’s image would make you more likely to shoot out your television screen, the nearly unanimous answer was 'either one.'" The professor said that one hundred percent of those surveyed admitted to punching, kicking, shooting, or bludgeoning their television set when forced to watch a commercial for either Santorum or Casey during their campaign. Madonna also said he wasn’t surprised by Casey’s late surge. "Santorum started this race as a guy most people couldn’t stand. He had great stomach-turning recognition. But all along, Casey’s people kept saying just give our guy a chance. And it seems now that the people know him, they find him just as repulsive as the guy he’s trying to beat." Madonna added "That’s politics for you." The ever-coy Madonna refused to pick a winner. "Casey has all of the vitality of a day-old bagel, and Santorum just has the face that makes you want to punch him," said Madonna, adding, "This thing is going down to the wire."
THEY WERE SO ELATED AFTER THEIR PERFORMANCE, THEY STARTED TOSSING A FOOTBALL AROUND
COACH DOES NOT WANT TO DISCUSS EXCESSIVE CELEBRATION PENALTY 
PITTSBURGH - While complaints about voting machine malfunctions cropped up across the state, Bob Haas swears that the new iVotronic touchscreen voting machine he used in Brentwood Tuesday morning not only worked perfectly but that it actually upgraded his airline seat for a business trip to Boston on Wednesday.
